Horse Racing Payout Calculator Calculates the Possible

Ramtidings, dear friends! Where last we parted ways, I had finished working for a friend in Southern California. Before I left to reunite with my hobo crush, my friend had seen me off with some gifts, most notably, a set of RPG dice. After making a wager against a neckbeard on a Greyhound bus that ended poorly for him, I enjoyed the rest of the ride in the lap of luxury. At long last, I had been reunited with my sweetheart, Janet, for a time. After I left, she decided to chase me down. Reunited for a third time, we hit the road together, now with a third, mutual friend in tow by the name of Queenie, a skirt-wearing snaggletoothed hobo with a very haggard voice. I had promised to teach Queenie the joys of tabletop, and even Janet began to express interest in this nerdy passtime as we loitered on freeway onramps, behind gas stations, and under overpasses. Without further introduction, then, we shall dive headlong into this TAAAAAALE FROM THE TABLETOP, lovingly subtitled Are We The Neckbeards?
The magnificent ReddX has narrated our story thus far, and I highly encourage you to go give that boy a like, a sub, and a share. You can find our story at the following link...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AiJwQA8Dsw
If you're new here, stories about neckbeards are gross. We're probably going to talk about uncomfortable things. You have been warned.
Night had fallen over a truckstop in rural North Dakota. Queenie, Janet, and I had caught a ride in the bed of a pickup truck, and now with the sun down, all bets of traveling further were off. We went and hung around the side of the building and took a seat, becoming a giant pile of bums, backpacks, instruments, and dogs. We spent what pocket change we had on gas station hot dogs and a couple cans of steel reserve, and got comfy for the evening, when Queenie blurted out the words that began it all...
Queenie: I'm bored.
Ah, the doldrums, an inveitable quandary that is bound to strike someone on the road. You can only talk so much about trains, trash, and trouble before you're just beating the same old dead horse. I sympathized with Queenie. I was kind of bored myself. Then I remembered what I had in my backpack. As I dug through my belongings, I cleared my throat and I struck up my best narrative voice. It had certainly been awhile, but I knew I still had it.
GM: Hey, Queenie.
Queenie: Yo.
GM: You wake up naked in a field with a rock. The sun is high in the sky above you, warming your body on this summer day. The grass stands up to your waist, and you hear all around you the quiet, soothing sounds of nature - the wind rustling the grass, birds chirping, the buzzing of insects. To your west you see a sprawling forest, and behind you stands a tall range of rocky mountains. A road, its pavement long since broken and cracked, runs from north to south, and your vision of it is lost behind the treeline. What do you do?
Queenie: What the fuck are you on about dude?
GM: Just humor me, man. What do you do?
I repeated the scenario while queenie contemplated his options once more. He didn't realize I had suckered him into his first tabletop experience, minus the books or table of course. I did, however, recover my dice from the depths of my backpack, and dumped them out on to the concrete in front of me. Queenie responded to my interrogations with a question of his own before he proceeded on his course of action.
Queenie: What kind of rock do I have?
GM: Well, what kind of rock do you want?
He thought about this long and hard.
Queenie: ...I want a big rock of crack!
He enthusiastically shouted this, and a worker taking out the trash gave us a worried look. He probably thought we were dealing drugs behind the gas station. Jesus Christ, Queenie... alright, your wish is my command. Crack you shall have! I told him that he held a giant powdery rock of crack cocaine in his hand, easily the size of his fist.
Queenie: I boof it.
Boofing is when you stick stuff, specifically drugs, in your butt. I've heard it rumored to be the province of alcoholics that get so sick in the morning that they can't physically stomach booze. I do not know the veracity of this. Now, boofing might mostly be a meme and a funny word, or so I thought, until I saw 14, FOURTEEN, people in a row drink beer with their asses one New Year's eve in the desert with my own eyes, but that is a story for another day that I lovingly call Fetch The Apparatus! Back to the act of boofing itself, you can boof powder drugs, alcohol, and LSD, and allegedly, they get you way higher when you do them this way. Some things, however, like some mushrooms or a nug of weed, probably aren't going to do anything. Also, it was common knowledge that, if you boof it, it's free. However, due to recent economic hardships and an unexpected increase in the bum supply, boofing now only nets you a 50% discount. Life's hard like that.
Queenie was adamant about sticking crack cocaine in his ass.
GM: The whole thing?
Queenie: Duh.
I shook my head, took a sip of my beer, and continued the scene. It was his first tabletop afterall, it was funny as hell to my drunk self, and we're all weirdos out here in our own right. At least he's not trying to make me narrate a sex scene with him. Queenie turned over the massive, fist sized crack rock in his hand, before reaching around to his butt, and began to work it in. I held out the dice to give to him. At first he was confused, and then I told him to roll it and tell me the result. Ahhhhh, he's learning! The dice clattered upon the concrete and we leaned in to see what number came up, and he told me with an inquisitve tone, that he rolled high. Something like an 18. He asked me what it meant. I replied that Queenie's asshole was as wide as the open field in which he stood, and it greedily devoured the fist sized crack rock that he had inserted with minimal pain or discomfort.
With a giant rock of crack cocaine dissolving in his pooper, Queenie decided then that it would be a good time to take a nap in the field until there was enough in his blood system for him to enjoy the effects. He laid down in the grass and closed his eyes. I had him roll again, and he rolled very low this time. He didn't even get to fall asleep before he found himself strung out on crack cocaine, started looking for shiny objects in the dirt, and then suffered fatal cardiac arrest. As he lay on the grass, clutching his chest, wondering why this had to happen to him, the world faded to black and he died. Another valuable lesson had been learned. High roll good, low roll bad.
Queenie: That's it? I just die?
GM: You die. The world fades to black as you take your last breaths. You wake up naked in a field with a rock, with a gasp, as if you've just come up from deep underwater. You feel as if you've just come out of a bad dream from having a crack overdose. You turn over the crack rock in your hand before struggling to your feet and surveying your surroundings once more. They seem very familiar to you.
I described the same scenery as earlier that lay before him.
For those of you that haven't figured out just what we were playing, I invite you to explore the videogame known as Rust, back when it was in testing. The premise of the game is that you, well, wake up naked in a field with a rock, and then have to go about the tasks of surviving, building shelter, feeding yourself, and eventually, protecting yourself from others. It was a grind, and all your progress could be snatched from your claws after one bad firefight or simply being asleep at the wrong time. It was a good time however, and without any rulebooks and just my imgination, it seemed simple and intuitive enough to condense into an impromptu tabletop game - it was a modern day feel that was very, very barebones. Oh... and everything's made out of chicken breast. That pig? You betcha. A deer? Sure! A bear? More chicken breast.
Queenie was absolutely fascinated by this revelation that he could not actually die. After boofing his crack rock and dying several more times, he decided that the novelty and humor of this action had worn off, and instead, decided to do something else. He wandered off into the woods. Janet was enraptured as well... this was something new to both of them. Gamified communal story telling with dice? Do people really? They do.
It was getting late, I was getting drunk, and I was tired of narrating all the different ways in which a man could die from stimulant induced heart attacks. I packed up my dice, stood up, slung my backpack upon my shoulders, and wandered out to an empty field. The others joined me, and we struck camp for the night.
The next day, I woke up naked in a field next to Janet. I got dressed, packed my things, and stood up. We went to the truck stop again, and looked for a ride out. To kill the dull hours, I kept the game going. However, Janet was interested if maybe we could do something different than rocks and naked people in fields. I obliged her, and decided to go for a fantasy bent that I figured would be more appealing to her sensibilities, leaving the initial introductory setting in the dust. We began an impromptu fantasy roleplay with m'lord and m'lady, Queenie and Janet. You can imagine, I'm sure, that people must have thought we had lost our minds as I talked about how they had found themselves now inside, guess what, a tavern and the town gaurd told stories of roving orc warbands attacking the outlying countryside, and my companions played right along, going so far as to even talk in exaggerated character voices as we sat under the awning of a Pilot travel stop.
Tabletop is not a spectator sport. Still doing it.
Queenie was gung ho to slay some orcs. Janet, however, wanted to procure some new, gleaming steel before her journey. She sought out the local blacksmith, much to Queenie's dismay, as he insisted that they could just loot bodies for new goodies. That wasn't good enough - she wanted something special, and so she followed the sound of a banging hammer through the town market until she found the blacksmith, a massive giant of a man, beating away on a hot piece of iron atop an anvil. As she approached, he addressed her with a grunt.
Janet: Hi there, I'd like to purchase some weapons.
Blacksmith: K.
He dismissively waved his hand to the back of the shop where racks of glistening steel glimmered by the firelight of the forge, and then returned to mercilessly beating upon the hot iron on the anvil. Janet looked over the wares, somewhat disinterested, and then spoke up again.
Janet: I mean, that's really nice and all, but doesn't a big boy like you have anything more appropriate for a dainty girl like me? Teehee.
I'm denser than a 10 IQ blacksmith savant sometimes.
Blacksmith: Dagger. 10 gold.
Janet: Oh, I see... it just slides in the sheathe like that... can you, uh, show me how to polish this thing?
Damnit, Janet.
Queenie was picking up what she was putting down, and without missing a beat, he told us to go get a fucking bush. He sounded a little spiteful when he said it. He was probably still hurting from his breakup with Sarah, and I wasn't trying to rub his nose in the current euphoric nature of my existence, so I motioned to Janet to follow me and give him some space. I felt bad about it for a bit, but Janet wasn't about to let it dampen her mood. We went off somewhere alone and left him to his thoughts, hopped on the good foot and did the nasty, and laid there for an hour or two, letting the time pass. Eventually, we got dressed, packed up, and returned to the travel plaza. Queenie still sat there by the awning. I asked him how he was holding up.
Queenie: I dunno, man... I just miss Sarah a lot. And I know I've been running with you guys for a few days now, but I don't think I can keep hanging around like a third wheel, especially since you guys are all fucking cute with each other and all that shit. I think I'm gonna turn around, and see if she won't take me back.
No hard feelings here, my brother. Go get your woman. We divided up the bank we had and gave him his share, and I bought him a beer for the road from my own portion. (Somebody usually plays bank and manages all the funds for the group. It's a common courtesy that if friends are to part ways, the bank is divided. This is not always observed, depending upon 1 - who is banking, and 2 - how they feel about the other person. I however, thought, and still think highly of Queenie.) He stood up, grabbed his things, and walked away from the truck stop to the onramp going back east. Janet and I would continue along on our own due west.
The day was getting late, so we decided to hit it again in the morning, and retired to the bush. When the sun rose the next day, we wasted no time, getting to the highway ramp, and caught a lift all the way through from someone going on a long haul to Montana. Somewhere in Billings, we posted up for a bit while we calculated our next move. We were just flying blind at this point, for no reason due west. I figured I would reach out to my boy back in California and see if, well, maybe he had some more work for me. I knew it was way early, and there probably wasn't much going on, but he had a good amount of property, trusted my judgement, and if he had something to do, we could make money. Regrettably, there was nothing going on out there, so we just kind of shrugged our shoulders and sat in place. WIthout Queenie, I didn't really bust out the dice, either, because, well, trying to play an RPG with 2 people just isn't that fun. Janet didn't seem to mind too much. I think she was just using it as leverage to ERP. which, coming from her, didn't bother me at all and I was totally willing to oblige, but, well, I'm not going to whip out dice for that. Instead we spent our time hustling bucks on the street. She played a fiddle, I had a guitar, and we could turn a healthy few bucks between us because we were both competent. Seemingly stuck, with the wind taken out of our sails, we sat tight and made money.
I've never liked reversing my direction. I refuse to do it. I don't know why. Maybe it's a superstition, but after I've started going one way, I won't just turn around. If I'm going East, I'm not going to turn around and start going West. I may turn North or South, but I won't just say, you know what, let's do a 180. It was almost 5 days of living in Billings before the winds of travel decided to blow at our back again. Sick of the town, we said fuck this, climbed aboard the back of a freighter, and got pulled off by a cop maybe 20 miles later at some little town in the middle of nowhere. At first we cursed our luck, but it seemed it was a blessing in disguise. We trudged to the freeway and sat down, and within minutes, a bright yellow cargo van pulled over. Behind it came a battered and busted RV. Could it be?
Hippies. A whole fucking caravan of hippies heading the direction we were trying to go.
I'm not very fond of hippies at all. Rainbow family, grateful dead family, non-affiliated... Doesn't matter. I hate patchouli and if somebody unironically calls me brother bear I get a tension headache and hearing the Grateful Dead gives me an aneurysm. Drum circles always play the same shitty song, crystals won't heal you, and windchimes cause cancer. Conflict and struggle is the truth of the world and peace is a pipe dream. Natural selection, baby. Nevermind that I've had things stolen from me by hippies. Nevermind that somebody who tells you that they love you like you're their family within moments of meeting you is probably trying to extort you for something. Nevermind that every crusty worth his weight in ramen packets knows that a traveling caravan of hippies makes the locals overwhelmingly hostile to the next vagabond that comes through. I could go on. I generally despise hippies.
Are some hippies alright? Some, yes. Was I willing to chance it with these people? We were in smalltown bumfuck Montana and the sheriff already hated our faces just for existing there. I swallowed my pride, and scanned the crowd for familiar faces, of which I saw none. Still, they were willing to give us a ride. They were headed all the way to Oregon. Apparently, there was a gathering going on.
What's a gathering? Exactly what it sounds like. It's a gathering of hippies. I had found myself at one a few years before this. It was known as Black Sheep. It was basically hobo christmas in the middle of the desert for everyone who had nowhere to go, and it was a very small, intimate experience. It was kind of cool because it was tiny in its scope, and I met some genuinely cool people there. Black Sheep is not "officially recognized" by the greater hippie community that does these gatherings, however, for who knows what reason. Maybe it's because people drink there and nobody gives them grief for it, while at any other gathering, you can smoke all the pot and eat fucktons of acid, but god forbid you open a beer. They get pissy about alcohol. It's weird, I know.
Well, like I said, these hippies were on their way to a gathering known as Nationals. This is the big one. This is ground zero for hippies. You can't throw a stone in the woods without hitting some drug addled free spirit shaman with hella heady tradeables who recognizes your spirit and is loving you, sister squirrel. They asked us if maybe we wanted to come with them.
We definitely wanted the ride. The sheriff made it entirely apparent we'd be going to jail if he caught us around the next day, and Janet had a dog with her. We needed to leave. We took that ride, and got a spot in the RV with the rest of the crew. These hippies, thankfully, were not the most insufferable ones that I have met. They were comparatively normal, to our good fortune, and we actually got along rather swimmingly with them. Then they asked the same question an hour or two in to the ride: do you guys want to come to Nationals?
Janet and I looked at each other, and contemplated what the Hell we ought to do. We had nothing going on anywhere else in the world, these people weren't the most awful people in the world - we would probably camp with them, and who doesn't like a week or two in the national forest? Why the fuck not? It's not like either of us would come to regret this decision, right? Let's fucking go to nationals I guess.
We enjoyed the ride, helping them to get gas and food and all that good stuff, and as the ride dragged on, I once again, busted out the RPG dice. I turned to the nearest hippie, and with a smile, told him, you wake up naked in a field with a rock. What do you do?
I would like to thank my wonderful patrons for their support as I not only compile these tales for you, but write my RPG, Blood & Thunder. Special thanks to TatoFerret and Sillibits, and all due respect to the man himself, ReddX, for reading these stories. Thank you for helping me to live the dream.
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Ultimate Kars can beat majority of Stands

Here I will explain how I think each of the stands in each Parts 3-5 would fight against Ultimate Kars and how he could potentially beat each of them or be beat him.
At minimum please read the **NOTE*\* and Ground rules before proceeding, there is a TL;DR at end.
**NOTE**:

This is only up to the part 5 of the Manga (for now).
The users of each of the stands will be included in the fights, as to make it fair & a realistic match, this includes personality, strengths, and flaws.
Each fight will take place in the areas where they were first encountered or where they were in combat in the manga/anime, they will also fight in the same manner that is fair to the stand user (may vary depending if the stands/ stand users had changed in some way/ manner and may apply to non-combat stands Ex: D'Arby brothers).
For the sake of pleasing the harden Jojo veterans I will only be using the manga as references as it shows Araki true intents of conveying the story.
The fights will be Kars vs one stand user, if there were multiple users in the fight it'll be 1 v 1 then it'll be Kars vs stand users (if that's how it was presented in the Manga)
Ultimate Kars & the stands and users will **NOT*\* know each others abilities, and users don't know Kars is the Ultimate life form, but Kars will be aware of stands existing.

Ground rules:

Kars can vaguely see stands; there are times in the Manga where stands interact with objects unintentionally, Ex: Crazy Dimond punching Jotaro's hat, Sheer Heart Attack crashing through the shop keeper's hand, Joseph stopping Silver Chariot sword with his mechanical hand, and DIO breaking free from Hermit Purple. Therefore, it is not unreasonable to say, when a stand is attacking the limbs become tangible; and implies that as a stand is attacking the air around is disrupted and it can be detected briefly. This also implies that stands have an off/on switch for their intangible properties, with intangible being the default state. Meaning Kars can use read the air pressure to see movement like Wamuu or use echolocation as they're attacking.
Hamon can conduct through stands; from what we briefly see when Joseph is using Hamon in his fights with the Empress and DIO & The World. Both of them acknowledge that is could be a threat. For the Empress fight, it is implied Hamon would have worked if it wasn't Joseph's body. And in the DIO fight Joseph conducted Hamon through Hermit Purple and used it as a trap against DIO forcing him to attack from range and not punching with The World. Showing that stands could conduct Hamon if in direct contact with it. This can be though of as when Magician's Red hit Silver Chariot with his flames, while the flames are hitting the stand and not user it still generates flames on the user. And Kars' Hamon hundreds of times stronger than Joseph's and can melt human flesh like normal Hamon does to vampires.
Kars is invincible, immortal, and nigh indestructible. He does not age, is self-sustaining, and is described as more beautiful than a Greek sculpture. QI of 400. People tend to forget these facts when debating about Kars, however this doesn't consider nuclear bombs as in cannon the bombs will not make a public appearance till 1945, spatial manipulation and time manipulation was introduced till part 3 as Araki only think and plans per a part. Meaning Kars cannot be killed by conventional means unlike his previous form, so mashing his head is no good.
Kars' body contains the **DNA of every organism to ever live on the Earth**, and he is EXTREAMLY adaptable, and can evolve to the situation as needed (meaning I will be using a list of hard to kill animals as his abilities). This also means he can use the abilities of Vampires, Pillar men, or other organic abilities. Here.

*\*Part 3*\*:

Star Platinum: (Jail Cell in 1st chapter) In this situation there is not particularly much Jotaro & Star Platinum could do to put Kars down, as Jotaro main tactic is to observer the enemy and get close enough to pummel them, Star Finger is useless, and by bashing his head-in Kars would come back till Jotaro is exhausted. Or Kars could conduct Hamon through his body as he is getting beaten down and burn Star Platinum arms than going for the kill.
"Star Platinum: The World" : (Streets of Cairo) It would be very similar to Star Platinum but Kars would be more confused as of what's happening before figuring out what he's doing by feeling the instantaneous changes in air pressure and fist to the face, and Jotaro would realize that he has Hamon and trying to pummel him in time stop would hurt him self and would attack from afar, but Kars would close the distance as he can fly and wear down Jotaro before long.
Magician's Red: (Hong Kong same places as Polnareff vs Avdol): Magician's Red & Avdol have a best chance out of all the Crusaders, if Magician's Red could burn all of Kars he would likely died however some trees such as the Canary Island pine are extremely fire resistant due to their extremal thick bark. Kars could grow a thick bark if needed, and Avdol has said the he was capable of melting the steel rods of Jotaro's jail cell. Assuming this was stainless steel which is used USA jail cells, which the melting point is 980–1,050 °C (1,800–1,920 °F), depending on grade. Which is much lower than Kars magma diving range of 700 °C to 1300 °C (or 1300 °F to 2400 °F). Additionally, Avdol is a honorable fighter while Kars is not, Kars would get scored get up and stab Avdol from behind after playing dead.
Hermit Purple:(Streets of Pakistan same as Empress fight) Now Joseph is a smart guy, but he has little to no chance. Trying to hold Kars with Hermit Purple leads to Kars breaking free like DIO did or he would conduct Hamon through Hermit Purple and kill Joseph. The only way he could survives is if he runs finds a plane with Hermit Purple and crashes Kars in Tor Zawar volcano in Pakistan, launching him into space.
Hierophant Green:(Area: Streets of Cairo) Kakyoin & Hierophant Green are in a similar position as Joseph, just doing Emerald splash is no good and possessing Kars will kill him if Kars uses Hamon. The 20 meter Emerald splash can keep Kars pin for a while before he escapes and gets Kakyoin.
Silver Chariot:(DIO's mansion) Similar to Jotaro but worse as Polnareff is more impatient and is less calculated than Jotaro is. If he takes his armor off he faster but is still prone Hamon, and could be caught in a string trap made of Satiporoja beetle silk which can conduct the Ripple at 100%. Shooting Silver Chariot rapier will do nothing and Kars could dodge it as it has been shown ricocheting off wall therefore interacts with the air around it.
The Fool:(The dessert of Egypt): Making copies of people, and attacking with The Fool is useless. If Iggy is fast with The Fool he can pin Kars down, but Kars could just release a bunch of mosquito, fleas, and tick and give Iggy heartworm, West Nile virus (WNV) and Eastern equine encephalitis (EEE), Anemia, Lyme disease, Powassan virus, and even the meat sweats. Then again I guess this applys to ever stand user really.
The World: (Streets of Cairo) DIO is extremely arrogant but not careless, it would likely play out the same as Jortaro if he isn't aware Kars is a Hamon user or worse. If he tries to suck Kars' blood he could start eating DIO from the inside similar to Santana's Meat Invade.
Tower of Gray: (Plane) There no way for Gray Fly to win, Kars could read every one's heat signature and see and see who is faking sleep as the human body is 1-2 degrees lower when sleeping, Tower of Gray is literally a pest as he can't do meaningful damage.
Dark Blue Moon:(Boat) Kars could question who is a stand user and listen for how has a higher heart rate, and lick the sweat of the crew. After finding it's the impostor Captain Tennille, he would likely retreat into the water after being attack by Kars and start the whirlpool. Kars could realize various fishes to attack him in the water, consume/break free from the brinicles covering him and transform into a merman unless it's a stand ability and is intangible. Then he could just release a massive overdrive and fry the impostor Captain in the water.
Strength: (On Strength) Kars would be surprised that an orangutan can get a Stand, and would get impaled by various metals and glass but fine over all, Forever would cower away into the wall of Strength but would get struck through the walls with a Sendō Ripple Overdrive.
Ebony Devil:(In hotel room): Devo gets his cuts and jumps the window, Kars would be more perceptive than Polnareff and would hear the doll coming and cut him in half with his leg blade.
Yellow Temperance: (Gondolas/Docks) Kars might be beaten if totally cover by Yellow Temperance, but Rubber Soul is overly confident/reliant on his stand, Kars would likely try various ways of killing Rubber Soul, but none would work and would likely try drowning as Yellow Temperance is far too slow to kill Kars with is regeneration and 400 QI. And would beat Rubber Soul in the water.
Hanged Man: (Streets of India) Now Hanged Man is tough as Kars has no was of hitting Hanged Man as he is light even though Kars has react to light speeds before, he will not be able to hit him with his blades. However, if Kars has the description of J.Geil's and his 2 right hands, he could send army of mice or other small pest to look for him. And form into a tiger when they find J.Geil killing him, while Kars is occupied with Hanged Man as J.Geil has no way of killing Kars.
Emperor:(Streets of India) Bullets won't kill Kars and will only slow him down. **Bonus** "Hanged Man & Emperor": With both they still have no chance as, there are sill no means to kill Kars, Hol Horse would become Half Horse and Hanged Man would repeat.
Empress:(Streets of Pakistan) Literally a pimple Kars cuts her off, or consumes her.
Wheel of Fortune:(Pakistan) Ok Kars is in a car on a dusty road in Pakistan, Wheel of Fortune tried to push Kars' car out of the road. Kars would immediately come to a stop. fly up into the air and shoot armadillo shells at Wheel of Fortune morphing into piranhas killing ZZ in side.
Justice:(Hotel/Grave yard): Ok Kars wouldn't know the towns is a grave yard, but could tell no one in town is alive because he can't hear a heart beat. Enya would try to stab Kars, he would dodge, she would summon her corpses and Kars could absorb them fuse them into a ball or just dodge them all and go straight for Enya. If Kars gets stabbed he could rip the part of regrow it and go for Enya.
Lovers:(Streets of Pakistan) Steely Dan is overly confident in his stand, Kars would do nothing ask lovers flies into him as stands sound are unnoticeable if your not a stand user. Steely Dan would boasting about his stand, Kars would cut him, hit him with Hamon, absorb him and Kars would be fine.
Sun: (U.A.E desert) Kars would notice that the sun is suppose to be down via biological clock. Get shot at by the sun he takes cover and would figure out that Arabia Fats is hiding be hide a mirror with his 400 IQ.
Death 13:(Saudi Arabia desert) As the Ultimate life form he doesn't need sleep however for the prompt he will be sleeping. In the dream world Mannish Boy will pin and behead Kars, Kars will waken cover in blood realizing the baby is the stand user and consumes the child . Or just attack Death 13 in the dream with Hamon and fry Mannish Boy. *NOTE\*: Death 13 has to kill it his scythe for him to kill someone
Judgement:(Some island In the Red Sea) Judgement offers Kars 3 wishes, he wishes for Esidisi, and Wamuu back(not Santana cuz he's a bitch). And that they were ultimate life forms. Immediately recognizes that those are dirt dummies and destroys them, get attacked by Judgement, feel it coming from the change of air pressure, cover self in Hamon, tanking the hit and Judgement retreats. And Kars could feels for vibrations in the ground like an elephant and crushes Cameo into dirt coffin for disrespecting his former comrades.
High Priestess:(Red Sea/Submarine): Assuming High Priestess is a physically bounded stand Kars can see and fight it as normal. Will be annoying to fight to High Priestess and she has no way of killing Kars.
Geb:(Egypt Desert) Kars would get hit by Geb, heals, wait for Geb attack, charges Hamon and hits Geb killing N'Doul. Or just fly up and scan the desert for N'Doul.
Khnum & Tohth:(Streets of Egypt) Both Oingo and Boingo are incompetent and are basically just humans, Kars won't even notice them as the take themselves out.
Anubis:(Streets of Egypt) Anubis is tough as he can be come stronger and faster after each fight, however he has no way of killing Kars for good. Kars would figure out the sword is the stand and destroy it. **Bonus** "Anubis & Silver Chariot": It will more or less be the same but a bit tougher since Silver Chariot is also attacking and Polnareff might die as Kars has no regard for him.
Bastet:(Streets of Egypt) Mariah has no way of killing Kars, shocking kill with electrical wires Kars could grow insulating fat like an electrical eel and survive and just kill Mariah.
Sethan:(Streets of Egypt) Now Sethan has a chance, as the reverse aging is an inverse exponential rate meaning it he could potentially degage Kars by thousands of years. And if Sethan gets him in the direct sunlight he could damage him greatly and possibly killing Kars. However Kars is extremely experience, and can survive direct sun for a few second as a pillar man, he can leap in to an alleyway and defeat Alessi.
Osiris:(D'Arby's Bar) D'Arby got a chance, but it depends on what game the play, if it's the Cat-Jerky betting Kars can interfere by creating a dog or rat to interfere, if it's the coin game Kars could siphon out some of the alcohol while he's placing in the coins, than add it back it, or just sniff/see out the chocolate under the cup. The only way Kars could win at Poker is if he changes the cards appearances via mold or something but it has to be perfect.
Horus:(Streets of Egypt) Kars would dodge majority of Horus attacks as it's visible bounded to ice as the rich beggar saw the ice before dying. If Kars gets trap by the ice he could rip the limb off and continue to attack Pet Shop. And KArs could use Esidisi heat modes to thaw and to attack from afar if needed.
Atum:(DIO's mansion) Now Kars has now way of beating young D'Arby as Atum would read his soul before he could make his move. But he can pump Androstadienone, and create high pitch noise and others to things to put young D'Arby on edge. Or create mosquitoes fleas and ticks to harass young D'Arby and inject him with caffeine and cause a heart attack.
Tenore Sax:(DIO's mansion) Kars see heat signature in wall kills Kenny G.
Cream:(DIO's mansion) Cream had the good chance of killing Kars, however people neglect the user Vanilla Ice. Vanilla Ice would preach about DIO, Kars would laugh that a vampire is lecturing him about a vampire, Vanilla Ice would get pissed. Attacks Kars, he would dodge as the air pressure is changing around him. And wait till he pops out of Cream and hit him with Hamon or eat him. Additionally if Cream misses a bit of Kars, he can regenerate like starfishes/flatworms which have been know to be able regrow from fractions of themselves. So Kars could regenerate from a pink toe if need be.

*\*Part 4*\*:

Crazy Diamond:(neighborhood in Morioh) Similar to Jotaro, Josuke & Crazy Diamond have no way of killing Kars, even with his tracking bullets or fusing him into a rock won't work, as Kars was literally sleeping in a rock of 2 thousand years and can unfused himself. Josuke can't undo Kars' Ultimate form Kars would make fun of Josuke's hair and compare it to his luscious locks. Josuke would whale on Kars, Kars would use Hamon and Josuke would burn his arms in his blind rage, Kars would finish Josuke.
The Hand:(Front of Nijimura house) Similar to Cream, The Hand had the good chance of killing Kars, however people neglect the user Okuyasu Nijimura. He is a absolute dumb ass, if it was just The Hand of course he would win The Hand is one of the strongest stands, however Okuyasu is narrow minded and that is reflected in The Hand's head visors design. Kars would sense the air is disappearing and be aware The Hands' right hand and goat Okuyasu into making mistake. Also Kars can regenerate like starfishes/flatworms in needed.
Echoes Acts 1-3:(Alleyway of Centipede Shoes) Echoes Act 1 is only an annoyances, Act 2 can push Kars back as Kars can't see the onomatopoeias of Act 2 but can't kill Kars. Act 3 is the most offensive and can pin Kars but Kars can do a Sendō Ripple Overdrive and kill Koichi.
Heaven's Door:(Rohan's house) Kars has a chance of beating Rohan, but without knowing Heaven's Door ability Kars will get booked. If Rohan shows him a manga page Kars gets booked, if Heaven's Door touches Kars he gets booked but can likely dodge the touch. Attacking from afar Kars could use echo location to find Rohan maybe. If Kars sends an ant or other bug to scout and get an idea of Heaven's Door power maybe.
Love Deluxe:(Vacation house) Kars can cut Yukako's hair and get to her, she also has no way of beating Kars.
Harvest:(On top of a building) Shigechi a kid with good instincts but has no way of killing Kars while Kars can use Hamon to destroy Harvest. If Kars destroys enough of them he will start to damage Shigechi.
Killer Queen:(neighborhood in Morioh) Killer Queen and Kira are very competent however Kira is very boastful about his abilities and will monologue if he thinks he can win. He also can't use his bombs close to himself or it'll hit him too. Additional, when he turns a object into a bomb the object doesn't explode and I would say Kars is faster than Killer Queen as his speed is a B. Or Kars could try shooting Hamon infused stuff at Kira or using the monster squirrel. But I digress, Kira could probably beat Kars if he can turn something big enough into a bomb, Kira would likely turn something inconspicuous into a bomb like a brick in a wall and blow it up, and finish off Kars. **Bonus** "Killer Queen & Stray Cat": Kira is more defensive here and Kars would figure out would figure out Kira's Dad is in Hayato's coat, Kars would dispose of Kira's Dad and send a venomous snake to Kira biting his ankle. Additionally Kars could sense the air bombs.
Sheer Heart Attack:(Alleyway of Centipede Shoes) Because Sheer Heart Attack is always on the attack he collides objects around him meaning Kars can detect it. In addition Kars would know it's a bomb from the owner's death with this info would conclude that it's a heat seeking bomb and Kars could lower his body temperature and look at the address book of all the customers in Centipede Shoes, and find Kira's name and phone number and cut Kira through the wall like Stroheim's men.
Bites the Dust:(neighborhood in Morioh) Well Kars would die if Bites the Dust is ever activated so really it's up to Hayato, if not it's a win for Kira.
Aqua Necklace: (Higashikata residence) Same as Geb if in water form, and if he enters Kars' body it won't kill Kars and he could just use Hamon to burn Anjuro.
Bad Company:(Nijimura residence) After getting riddled with bullets Kars could play dead and pull a sneak attack on Keicho.
Red Hot Chili Pepper:(Morioh Docks) Kars could take the beating, and potentially the shock if dragged into the power lines, but Kars could just use Hamon if he is grabbed and fry Akira Otoishi.
The Lock:(neighborhood in Morioh) Kars would feel no pity Kobayashi and absorb him.
Surface:(Budogaoka High School) Kars touches the dummy and be comes controlled by Surface can't kill him Kars release the monster squirrel to kill Hazamada.
Pearl Jam: (Tonio's Restaurant) As the Ultimate life form, Kars doesn't need to eat and is in perfect health but Kars will eat Tonio's food to be polite and will be off with his day.
Achtung Baby: (neighborhood in Morioh) Kars can easily locate the baby as he has thermal vision, echo location, can differentiate changes in air pressure, excellent smell, can distinguish a bats scream to a whales chant. He could also figure out who the baby's parents are with his genetics variations.
Ratt:(boonies of Morioh) Kars could locate the rats locations and tank the shots as he could form an antidote when hit. Or cover himself with armor and deflect the shots.
Cinderella: (Cinderella Shop) Kars is described as more beautiful than a Greek sculpture, that being said he will go into Cinderella and Aya will be able to do nothing for him because he is perfect.
Atom Heart Father: (Kira residence) Kars would figure out the how trap him in his own photo and destroy the camera, and destroy the photo he is in.
Boy II Man: (neighborhood in Morioh) Kars doesn't have a stand to steal so we'll wager his souls instead. Kars will have to cheats in some manger, he could use his super reflexes to change his hand to what would beat Ken Oyanagi.
Earth Wind and Fire: (neighborhood in Morioh) Kars would know if Mikitaka is really an alien. as he should be able to replicate his DNA sequence or tell if he's from Earth's origin.
Highway Star:(neighborhood in Morioh) Kars would be able to out pace "Tiger beetle is able to run 772 Kmph (480 mph)" or fly away from Highway Star till he can piece together that Yuya Fungami is the stand user. Even when hit Kars would fair a lot better than a human as he doesn't need food to survive.
Stray Cat:(Kawajiri back yard) Kars could cut through the air bubbles and can detect them as well, and use Wamuu's wind modes as well against Stray Cat.
Super Fly:(on Super Fly) : Kars get tricked into Super Fly tries to get start turning to iron, tries breaking super fly gets hit back but heals, Toyohiro would explain Super Fly power, and Kars would grow a human out to take his place and fly after Toyohiro killing him. *NOTE\: It's unclear if Super Fly heals after reflecting damage as the beam is hard to see after it was beaten by Josuke and Okuyasu, but I would say *NO** as Josuke repairs Super Fly's cable after Toyohiro cut it and reflected damage to Mikitaka.
Enigma:(neighborhood in Morioh) Enigma has a good chance of killing Kars, if burning the paper can burn Kars dead it'll work, however if Kars can figure out Terunosuke needs tell of people fear habit it will be easy. As Kars can't be killed via normal means Terunosuke would have to do something impressive to get Kars fearful or Kars can shut off his Amygdala. Other than that Kars would win.
Cheap Trick:(Rohan's house) Kars would look at Masazo Kinoto back activating Cheap Trick, Cheap Trick will explain it's abilities, Kars will show a random person his back bursting it. However, Kars will recover and won't shrivel up as he is the Ultimate being with an more than human amount of life energy and kills the person who has Cheap Trick on them.

*\*Part 5*\*:

Gold Experience:(street of Naples) Kars would likely attack/absorb one of Giorno's creations and reflect damage and tank the hit, realize he can hit Giorno's creations and find some other was to take Giorno. And flooding Kars with life energy will only be a annoyance, while Giorno is fast and creative he still has no means of killing Kars.
Sticky Fingers:(street of Naples) Sticky Fingers has been shown to be very destructive being able to unzip anything it hits, however this is useless before Kars as Kars could just reassemble and heal. Bucciarati can try to escape by zipping into the ground but Kars can track Bucciarati via the vibrations he creates as he moves.
Moody Blues:(Pompeii ruins) From the bits that we see Moody Blues actually fighting he is not a powerhouse. Like he can throw a punch but not a great punch, it's very likely that Moody Blues won't be able to defend Abbacchio from Kars.
Sex Pistols:(On top of truck) Same as Hol Horse but Misa gets shot by his own bullets somehow .
Aerosmith:(street in Capri) If Kars tried hiding/sneaking he'll be found by Aerosmith unless he switches to some anaerobic breathing like certain prokaryotes. Other than that Kars can dodge around and make his way to Narancia.
Purple Haze: (Pompeii ruins) Because Kars has the DNA of every life form to exist there bounds to be some genetic sequence that is immune to the Purple Haze's virus or Kars can create a vaccine if needed. In addition Hamon is like able to work against the virus as even weak lights can destroy it.
Spice Girl:(Plane) Spice Girl is very destructive however softening things can only slow down Kars, and has no means of killing Kars.
Chariot Requiem:(Rome) Kars is screwed here without his body he can't fight nor is he able to hit the light behind his he without a stand. And can't reclaim his body because it's immoral from conventional attacks nor can he kill Chariot Requiem, Kars in his new body will transforms into Lovecraft monster, so Kars has no chance here.
Gold Experience Requiem:(Rome) Absolutely destroy Kars here, Kars cannot fight back here just gets thrown into a death loop, despite his durability, it too can be set to zero.
King Crimson:(Rome) Diavolo will get the first hit in, as the can scan the future and dodge whatever Kars is doing. Likely will ended with a donut to Kars, Kars can the use Hamon and Burn Diavolo's arm off. And Kars would heal and the fight will wear down on Diavolo till Kars gets him.
Black Sabbath:(Giorno's Dorm courtyard) Kars fails the lighter test summoning, he does know till he gets grabbed in the shadows, but Black Sabbath is weak to sunlight, therefore Hamon would work as well.
Soft Machine:(Ship) Zucchero got a chance if he can sneak up and grab Kars and deflate him then burn the deflate Kars, but Soft Machine has the speed of C. Meaning he is slow for a stand and is slower than Kars is. So Kars can easily react to Soft Machine to grab and stab him. And sink the first layer ship like Bucciarati did.
Kraft Work: (On top of truck) If Kraft Work Position Locks Kars on to the truck he could just tear the limb of and reaerate and keep fighting then infuse his hit with Hamon or guard with Hamon if hit.
Little Feet:(streets of Capri) Say Kars is around 182 cm, it would still take Kars a long time to shrink and would immediately realize it and if Formaggio shrunk down to hide, Kars could send out the monster squirrels to find Formaggio forcing him to resize and fight Kars head on which he would lose as Kars is much stronger.
Man in the Mirror:(Mirror world/Pompeii ruins) Man in the Mirror is only good against stand users who rely on their stands too much, Kars would overwhelm him easily.
Mr. President: (Train station) Kars would use Coco Jumbo as his personal lounging area.
Beach Boy:(Train) All be it Beach Boy is very powerful, it can't do and meaningful damage to Kars.
The Grateful Dead:(Train) As the Ultimate Life form Kars does not age, and when he figures out that the ageing is body temperate based he could switch to cold blooded circulation and would be super undefective. Even a direct touch from Prosciutto, would in theory be undefective against Kars. **Bonus** "Beach Boy & The Grateful Dead": The results would more or less be the same as neither one can deal fatal damage to Kars.
Baby Face:(Dirt field next to Parking lot in Firenze) Baby Face junior's matter manipulation does not allow him to destroy matter but rather transform it into some other object. So junior can't kill Kars as he could just regenerates the lost part, but it would be a tough fight as when the junior manages to get all of Kars he would be incapacitated. However, starfishes/flatworms have been know to be able regrow from fractions of themselves. So Kars could regenerate from a pink toe and sneak attack. Then try to locate Melone which will take a while, but he can do it... eventually.
White Album:(Road to Venezia/ Brenta River) While Kars can't use Hamon as itn't conductive and can't grow anything as White Album is too cold. Although White Album is a physically bounded wearable stand, meaning he is also visible. Golden Experience punched White Album cracking the armor, meaning if Kars could punch White Album he could easily break it and get to Ghiaccio.
Clash:(Venezia Canales) Kars could bate out a grab from Clash and just use Hamon on it burning Squalo.
Talking Head:(Venezia Canales) is useless in a one on one fight, Kars will realizes something is wrong quicker than Narancia. **Bonus** "Clash & Talking Head": Same thing mostly as Kars is taking both alone so there's no real interferences nor can they kill him. Clash will attack first grabbing Kars, Talking Head is already in Kars' mouth, Kars uses Hamon burns both of them at same time.
Notorious B.I.G:(Plane):Kars will kill Carne and board the plane with a kidnaped pilot and Notorious B.I.G will follow. The only way is to trick Notorious B.I.G into the sea, as Notorious B.I.G is immortal. Kars can create Dragon files/ Tiger beetles to distract Notorious B.I.G, then Kars can kill the pilot and leave the plane to crash into the sea below.
Metallica:(Sardegna) Kars can take the hits done by Metallica, and sense were the attacks are headed as magnetoreception is present in bacteria, arthropods, mollusks, and members of all major taxonomic groups of vertebrates. In addition, Kars and read the air pressure to see where Risotto is invisible is at and attack when he gets close enough. And Kars can replenish his iron by eating the dirt like a work, growing roots and absorbing it like a potato or just absorb Risotto.
Green Day:(Rome/Helicopter ) Kars can develop a anti fungal medicine for Green Day's mold, furthermore Kars can just fly above the helicopter shoot is with armadillo scales and grow it into a tentacle and stop the propeller, crashing the helicopter.
Oasis:(Rome) Kars can feel for the vibrations as Secco is approaching and send a Hamon overdrive at him, if Secco shoots at a range in the ground Kars can easily dodge and wait till Secco comes up for air. **Bonus** "Oasis & Green Day": If they're together on the helicopter, Kars can just do the same thing as before with Green Dat and crash both of them, and if they're split up where Secco is on ground and Cioccolata is in the helicopter Kars could take care of Cioccolata then Secco.
Rolling Stones:(street of Naples) If Rolling Stones is after Kars, Kars could accept it but idk if it would really kill him as it's basically the same as getting smashed with a big rock. Or Kars can resist it and send like a chimp or gorilla to destroy Rolling Stones and change his fate of when he'll died. While Kars can fly from a safe distance above to avoid get crushed.

**TL;DR*\*:
Kars can counter many of the stands in parts 3-5, out of the 86 stands listed here, Kars can be beaten by 14 of them, in perfect conditions or can normally defeat Ultimate Kars. Which are Yellow Temperance, Sethan, Osiris, Atum, Cream, The Hand, Heaven's Door, Killer Queen, Bites the Dust, Enigma, Chariot Requeim, GER, Notorious B.I.G, and Rolling Stones(maybe?).

The Wager: Opening Shot

Hello again, welcome back if you’ve been following along, and welcome if it’s your first time! For you first timers I’d recommend starting at the beginning.
This one was a doozy, and the longest installment by far. I welcome comments and feedback, and I hope you enjoy this latest chapter!

-5- Opening Shot
The only regrets had by the captains of the Atlantis Fleet was that they wouldn’t see the devastation their cannons wrought on the invaders up close. Moments after Humanity’s reply to the demand to lay down and die was delivered at half the speed of light, space snapped back to its original shape, opening back the chasm of emptiness as a buffer to retaliation.
Twelve ships were ripped apart from the initial impact, seventeen were destroyed from debris and fallout from the first strikes, and another forty were caught in the explosions as the wrath of Poseidon Deep crashed into them.
A full quarter of the fleet meant to be our doom laid waste.
The ships on the periphery of the expanding ruin appeared to shimmer as the blooms of fire from the devastation lapped against them. Additional observations showed ripples like stones in water as debris impacted on the hulls of their ships. Whatever protection they had proved wanting in the face of the onslaught.
The invading fleet quickly shifted away from the kill zone, moving around and past the floating graveyard like a river rushing over rocks. The ships split into four smaller groups, each appearing to adopt a different evasion tactic and maneuvering method.
One fleet accelerated toward Neptune with near-light, straight-line speed. In hindsight, we believe they assumed our opening volley was our shock and awe attack and we required time to fire again. Their assumptions were corrected with a wall of relativistic death that shattered their fleet. Their destruction was so complete, valid concerns about debris still traveling near light speed were put to rest.
The remaining three fleets had taken arcing paths along, above, and below the orbital plane of the system. After the obliteration of the fleet attacking Neptune, one group began moving as a swarm with random swaying and looping paths while maintaining their general heading. Another arranged into a mostly flat plane with undulation like a school of fish. The third adopted a method of rearranging in geometric patterns such that crossing ships would overlap and obscure those around them, potentially breaking line of sight on any one ship with each cross. While not nearly as fast as the straight-line speed, they moved at a considerable pace.
I watched the formations move on the solar system projection. Glancing at each of the original destinations, real-time readiness and asset logistics information was brought up as my eyes focused on the respective planetary bodies. Looking back at each of the enemy fleets there were three timers next to each group indicating the estimated time of arrival to the original three targets.
There’s no damn way this is their maximum achievable speed. They simply can’t be the universal bogeyman they’ve been made out to be if they’re moving at what equates to crawling on broken legs on a cosmic scale.
I looked back to Europa, and with a few glances and gestures brought up the personnel roster.
Administrative...
Flag staff...
Commander...
A smile ran across my face as an old friend materialized in front of me.
“Jim! It’s been a while, what can I do for the famous Admiral Abrams?”
“Shut up, Andy,” I said, shaking my head and laughing. “It’s been too long, old man. How’s the weather there,” I asked with a smirk.
“Colder’n shit and you know that. Now what’s up, I know you didn’t reach out for today’s forecast.”
“Have you been keeping up with our visitors and their traveling arrangements?”
“You mean how I went and put the good welcome mat out front and it’s gonna be frozen solid by the time they get here? Yeah, I noticed. Maybe they’re old, Jim, reflexes aren’t what they used to be.”
“Right. This seems oddly out of place for what the Seeker described.”
“Yeah, well I don’t trust that talking torch any further than I could throw it. Nothin’ in this universe is free, and I don’t buy bein’ charitable just because. You know all this, and I won’t keep beatin’ that dead horse. What’re you thinkin’?”
“I hear you, Andy, I hear you. What if this is just a contact force to test the waters? See what we can do. With a competent AI, you could even fake it well enough to pass a quick sniff test.”
“So whadaya suggest? Pull some punches? Keep the expensive toys in the box for now?”
“I’m thinking that’s exactly what we should do. Keep your hand on the latch just in case, though. Also, while I’ve got you, was your signal intel listening in while we firmly refused their demands?”
“Hell yeah you did, and yeah, we had our ears open. Had our crypto guys standing by, but they ended up sittin’ on their hands. I’ll forward you the reports.”
“Huh, okay, that’s another wrinkle. I’ll check in later.”
“Yep. Admiral Abrams,” Andy said with an exaggerated salute.
“General Pratt,” I replied, my salute simpler and employing just one finger. A loud belly laughed faded out as one of my closest friends and allies dissolved away.
Looking again at the three fleets, they continued at a pace that left hours to reach even Europa and General Pratt’s frozen welcome mat. A small tone indicated the arrival of the report mentioned, and I opened it to see what it contained. I was most interested in why crypto was left without much to do.
While firing solutions were locking in before the Atlantis fleet fired their first shots, listening stations throughout the nearby Kuiper belt and other planetary bodies were directed to monitor for any traffic in any medium and to attempt to intercept and decode whatever transmissions they discovered. Station heads were connected via neural VR uplink to share information as it was discovered with real-time summarization and reporting directed to their chains of command.
The Europa listening station internally reported, in so many words, that they were intercepting unencrypted traffic, but the sounds were like rushing water punctuated with clicks and scraping noises. The actual initial spoken reaction to the sounds was, “What is this shit? Sounds like a fuckin washing machine filled with broken glass.”
Not the words anyone wants to be famous for, I’m sure. The transmissions were flagged for further analysis and forwarded to the Babel division for a possible language evaluation.
I pinged the SVALINN Project leads to request a meeting which was promptly accepted. The three leads faded into my view sitting at a large conference table.
“Admiral, it’s unusual to see you again so soon. What can we do for you?”
Taking a seat to be at eye level, I began, “Ladies, sir, we have an unexpected reprieve, and I wanted to see if any more progress had been made on breaking the EM scattering employed by the enemy fleets."
"We have had a breakthrough, sir. Loki has been hard at work examining the data recovered from observations and has discovered some repeating patterns in the scattering. Using our developments on EM manipulation, they gave the data to the Net AI which was able to dissect their manipulation methods and essentially tear it to shreds. We shouldn't have a problem with scans or targeting in any future engagements. Additionally, the improvements in our counter-EM capabilities should widen our abilities beyond point scans by ships within firing distance. Of course, we’ll push this to need-to-know individuals as updates are processed and deployed.“
"Outstanding. Incredible work, SVALINN. Just to be clear, would you feel confident that we could trust longer-range scanners to see if any monsters are creeping in the shadows waiting for an opportune moment?"
After a few glances back and forth, all three nodded. "We have complete confidence in our algorithms, Admiral."
"Excellent, you've done great work, SVALINN, I imagine I'll be coming back to you sooner rather than later."
"We'll be waiting on your call, Admiral," the trio fading out as the transmission ended.
With a small wave, the solar system rotated, bringing Mars and Earth to the forefront of the projection. I reached out, closed my fist on Mars, and drew it into me. The Red Planet filled my view, and the familiar assets and logistics panel began populating next to it.
I pinged Admiral Clark, Commander of the Ares Reach Base. No response.
A quick scan of the relay system and communications grid showed all green.
There shouldn’t just be no response. Some type of status or error message should come back at least.
I pinged her again, this time the relay system status changing to amber momentarily, then back to green. She suddenly snapped into existence in front of me, entirely too close and with small artifacts causing pieces and lines of her projection to be missing. I nearly fell out of my chair, I was so surprised. I only just caught myself and stood to back away.
What the hell is going on here?
“James, it’s good to hear from you! How have you been,” she asked, brightly.
Okay, really. This isn’t Claire. She isn’t some sunshiny pixie.
Placing my hands behind my back, I made several small gestures touching various fingertips together to start a trace and silently alert system admins to a breach.
“I’ve been well,” I said, steadying myself. “How are things at Ares?”
“They’re humming aloo-oo-ong smoo-oothly!” More artifact. Voice skips. “Wha-at can I do-do-do for you?”
Jesus, that smile is unnerving.
Three IT security experts entered the room quietly at the edge of my periphery carrying some small equipment, all three wearing what appeared to be oversized glasses. I tried to speak slowly to give them time to work.
“Just reaching out, checking on various assets and readiness. Will Ares be ready for the joint operation with Poseidon Deep we discussed in addition to your current preparations?”
One technician looked at me just over the projection’s shoulder and I moved my head a hair’s width to one side and back.
“Oh a-absolutely, James. Would you ca-ca-care to d-discuss the logiiiissstic-cs with meee?”
The technician looking over the projection’s shoulder quickly reached above his head, crashing his hands down, shoulder-width, then pulling sharply to his sides, as if tearing the air apart. The other two technicians were looking intently at their screens, one poking and swiping at the device and the other holding his handheld device pointed at the projection. The projection suddenly twisted and screamed as if in agony, clawing like an animal at empty space. Hunched over and heaving, the projection looked at me, eyes stretched wide and slightly bulging, and screamed out to me through a smile stretched ear to ear in a voice broken and grating,
“Clever names and invocations of your beings of power will not save you. Their power, unimaginable to you, is a fading memory to us. The mightiest of your gods would fall at our feet. You will know what a god can do, as the galaxy is wiped clean of your existence, from the atoms of your bodies to even any gravitational trace of your star. You are weak and utterly insignificant. You will be destroyed and forgotten, and we will end this game with your benefactor. Death comes for you all.”
Try again, assholes.
“We’ll see,” I responded, my voice low. “Whatever you are, your masters will have to do better than you. We’re not what you assume. You may think you can slay gods, but you’ve never seen monsters like us,” my voice almost a growl punctuating the last word.
In the time it took me to blink, the projection leaped toward me, dissolving into nothing as it jumped.
“Gentlemen, thank you for your prompt response. What was that? What did you find?”
“We’re running secondary scans now, but the trace you initiated seems to indicate our systems were compromised by this rogue program when we tapped into their unencrypted systems to attempt to intercept data. It likely appeared as nonsense data at first glance.”
The fucking glass in a washing machine.
“Can we isolate and contain it?"
“That started as soon as we got set up here. We linked up with three other G-level intel, communications, and crypto units, and progress appears to be steady.”
“How soon until communications are back up, and what can we trust at this point?”
“Comms should be…now. Logistics and other asset reporting could take up to a half-hour. Pretty much everything is reporting some level of corruption right now. It could be hours before it’s fully removed. At least now we know what we’re looking for.”
I quickly snapped open my HUD, and with hard, pointed gestures I opened the solar system overview displaying the enemy fleets, trajectories, and ETAs. They appeared unchanged, but now I couldn’t trust them.
“Comms are good?”
“Yes, sir, they should be.”
Using my bypass authorization, and as high encryption as I was allowed, I opened a direct channel to Admiral Clark.
“Claire, are you there? What’s going on?” She appeared hunched over a table and looked up with a mix of annoyance and surprise.
“James! What the hell are you doing? Trying to scare the shit out of me?”
There she is.
“Have you noticed any anomalies in your security protocols, scans, comms, or any other systems?”
“Other than a presumptuous colleague barging in on me?” she asked with raised eyebrows. “I have. I was just reviewing them with my staff.” Her brow softened and head cocked slightly to the side. “Why do you look like that? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“I feel like I have. Our security was cracked and something was impersonating you. Poorly.”
“Oh shit. What was the tell?”
“Well primarily, the projection was imperfect with bits and pieces missing or corrupted, and whatever it was admitted to knowledge of an operation that didn’t exist. But mostly, it was too nice and shiny.”
“Oh, get fucked, James,” she said with a wry smile. “So what do you actually need?”
Definitely Claire.
“SVALINN has been pushing out updates for scanners and targeting to break the EM scattering—“
“I saw that come through a while ago.”
“Right, so you probably know my next question.”
“Have I tested our new and improved scanning capabilities? Only local space and it came up clear.”
“What are your thoughts on linking up with the other Owl stations and see what might be hiding in the dark corners of the solar system?”
“Jesus, James, the entire system? I wouldn’t be opposed, but that’s a wide search and a ton of space. What are you looking for?”
“I’m working on a hunch. I spoke with Pratt earlier, and he agrees that our visitors’ grand entrance might not be all it’s cracked up to be. It seems to be a bright light show to get our attention. Just enough to get us pissed or scared and maybe swing hard so they know what to dodge later.”
“That’s—hmm—that’s pretty sound. I’ll link up with the other Owls and see what we can dig up.”
“Thanks, Claire. Make sure you verify all interactions and encrypt the hell out of them.”
“Not my first rodeo, but thanks for the advice. You take care, James. And next time you’d better knock first,” she said with a scowl, then a tiny smile.
“Mmhmm,” I replied, giving a small wave before she disappeared.
Slow, elementary tactics. Easily discovered, quickly defeated cyber attacks. This is a probe. It has to be.
We need to clear the air. A small threat is still a threat.
I requested an immediate round table with the rest of the Defense Council. As part of the connection protocol, I set a gate in place to ensure only one member connected at a time. As each member joined, we had a short conversation recalling personal stories or events only they would know. Once all members were present, we jointly agreed to a temporary lockdown that would prevent all other incoming signals.
“Ladies, gentlemen, I will be brief. We don’t have the luxury of time to stay in a blackout. We are being probed by our adversaries. As some of you have already mentioned while checking in, there have been breaks and anomalies in our systems, and I and my military colleagues believe the engagement tactics our enemies are using are intentionally basic to test our capabilities.
“As some of you may already be aware, Councilors Ko and Nguyen in particular, Ares Reach is working in tandem with the other Owl stations to perform a system-wide scan out to the periphery of the Kuiper belt to see if anything is hiding in any dark corners.
“I recommend we clear out the remaining advancing enemies with minimal necessary force, and be ready for what I feel confident won’t be an optimistic scan result. Are there any objections to this course of action or other suggestions?”
After a short discussion, Councilor Ayad asked, “If our current understanding of the situation is both accurate and correct, is there any real benefit to putting off action?”
“No, Councilor, I do not believe so. Waiting would only benefit the enemy.”
Glancing to his left and right, he nodded and simply said, “then I think we all agree that your current plan is the best with which to move forward.”
“Very well, thank you councilors, I will keep you apprised as the situation develops.”
Turning to my right, as the council faded away, I called up General Pratt’s status and requested a meeting.
No response.
Ah shit, not again.
I pinged again, this time immediately being connected. Voice only.
“What, Jim? Can’t a man shit in peace? It’s bad enough I can’t turn this thing off!”
“Oh. Ah—sorry, Andy.”
“Well, what is it? You’ve got me now!”
“I just spoke with the council. New plan: grab a fat newspaper and swat the flies. Claire is working on a system-wide scan, and we don’t need any nuisances dividing attention if it finds what we think it will.”
“You’ve got awful timing for needin’ things urgently, you know that?”
“Fine, fine, Andy. I’ll be in touch.”
“Not too soon, I hope,” Pratt huffed before disconnecting.
I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of what just happened and at the mental and emotional whiplash of the last hours. After a few minutes, I opened the system projection to oversee the fray play out.
Once more unto the breach.
From the orbit of Neptune, the Atlantis Fleet began to turn, then organize themselves into two nesting hexagons. Space crushed toward them, allowing Atlantis to jump past the undulating fleet and point the Trident cannons at the interlopers. After a short barrage, the undulating fleet was no more.
In the orbital shipyards of Europa, two enormous carriers, Thor and Odin, were released from dry dock and began initial course-plotting. Both carriers, as opposed to the Atlantis Fleet, were long, flat shapes that would appear like a sword blade from above. Both were equipped with large mag-rail cannons, multiple additional armaments, and carried thousands of heavy and light attack craft.
Each carrier locked in destination coordinates and jumped through bent space to meet their incoming foes.
Odin arrived in the path of the fleet employing geometric path alignments and intersections. Odin’s targeting AI, after calculating their movements, began firing, timing each shot to land when two ships overlapped. Odin’s cannon did not have the raw power of Atlantis’ Tridents, but the long, thin, high-density, spear-like projectiles were exceptionally tasked to pierce and disable targets. Swarms of heavy fighters closed in on and destroyed the crippled ships, pummeling them with high-energy blasts and high-yield explosives.
Similar to Odin, Thor stood fast in the path of the oncoming ships. Their erratic and unpredictable swarm behavior did prove to be difficult for the main cannon AI to effectively lock onto for heavy ordinance delivery. To counter, locking clamps released along the horizontal and vertical midlines of the cannon’s length. Massive, reinforced hinges allowed the top and bottom of the ship to flex, as the cannon widened to allow for large spherical projectiles containing thousands of meter wide, hexagonal conductive plates.
The projectiles fired at five percent the speed of light, released their payload, and covered the opposing ships. The hexagonal plates sank into the hulls of the ships by force of momentum and transmitted notification of impact back to Thor. After laying the trap, Thor released a colossal EMP burst crippling or outright destroying affected ships through the massive conduction of electricity. Cleaning up the aftermath was a similarly simple affair for the light and heavy fighters deployed from within the carrier.
This was intel gathering, plain and simple.
Other than the opening attack, not a single shot was fired by the enemy fleets.
A small ping, with an incoming VR request from Admiral Clark.
“Go ahead, Claire.”
“You’re not gonna like it. This is one time you and Pratt won’t be happy you were right.”
“Show me.” I shrunk down the system to show out to the Kuiper belt.
Clusters of red appeared throughout the system with two large single signals on the outer edge of the belt.
“You’re right. I hate it.”
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First Contact - Part Fifty-Two

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Rack and Pinion each weighed over two standard tons. Warsteel frames and armor, flex-steel muscle, small creation engines, onboard weapons from a 0.5mm laser to a 1.4 meter long monomolecular vibroblade to 10mm caseless ramjet ring penetrators to variable frequency 4cm laser to a 40mm autocannon to micro-missiles, all with mission configurable ammunition. They were strong enough to stop any armored vehicles the Unified Military Council might throw at their charge, their micro-missiles were still capable of intercepting and knocking down anything going less than MACH-14, and their armor thick enough warsteel to stop anything less than a main battle tank's main gun or a frigate's main battery.
They were big, menacing looking, black armored war machines with softly glowing blue eyes and they moved like they knew it.
They watched over Dreams of Something More, trading shifts with other warborgs only during her sleep period. When Dreams left her private chambers at one point she was only escorted by two others.
Now she was escorted by eight total, all with weapons armed and their eyes bright green to warn all who saw them that they were armed and dangerous, legally obligated to protect their charge from threats and protect others from the threat of an evolved natural born killer with psychic powers and the intelligence to master space flight.
Dreams rode on a hoverdisk, a bubble around her. It was currently set to be opaque gray from the outside but inside it was perfectly clear with data streams and data-windows where she could see them easily. She was wearing her contact lenses so that her eyes looked flat turquoise, which she thought went well with her Traditional Red Warriors of the Plains jewelry she'd purchased from a wondrous shop at a gambling resort in the desert lands of Arizona during her vacation tour. Apparently the Red Warriors had been masters of warfare that the Terrans still named helicopters and tanks and artillery systems after them, even eight thousand years after the First Great Diaspora.
It must have been exhilarating to be a human, Pre-Diaspora, she thought, playing with her silver, turquoise and leather bracelet with a silhouette of a running 'horse' that those ancient humans had been masters of.
She sighed, idly wishing that she could have met those amazing humans who had been so brave as to strap themselves into rockets full of hydrogen and oxygen, make them explode, and ride the explosion into space without even knowing if they could get home.
Her people had waited until they'd mastered the graviton to leave their homeworld to even orbit it.
Yes, the Mantid were predators, just like the TerraSol Humans, but it seemed to Dreams that the Humans had a lot more fun doing it.
She wondered what it would be like to wrestle a bear without even her bladearms, just armed with a can-opener, to fight it for its rolls of paper tissue it produced by chewing on tree bark and hoarded. Or to strap herself into a winged aircraft powered by refined petroleum products until it was virtually an explosive to break the speed of sound without even a parachute if something went wrong, not even knowing if she'd disintegrate once she broke the speed of sound.
She sighed again, her hoverdisc following the three man point of her escort at a slow, sedate, and safe pace.
The Unified Scientific Council building was approaching. She looked around and saw the Lanaktallan moving along the paths slowly, talking to one another, or taking the slow moving pathway while tapping on datapads. It did not surprise her that it had taken the Lanaktallan almost two hundred thousand years, two thousand generations, to move from the wheel to the cart and then another five hundred thousand years to move to the steam engine.
She cringed thinking about how long it had taken them to get around to even putting a satellite to orbit their world.
A million years. A full million years from the invention of the vacuum tube and resistor to the launch of a simple satellite that flashed a light rather than a radio signal, because the Lanaktallan were nervous of radio signals back then. Worried about cancer, spoiling their milk, all kinds of concerns.
Her hoverdisc moved up the steps of the council building. She could see that workers were busy making a ramp at one side so 'movement impaired beings relying upon hover or wheeled transport could enter the building with reasonable effort and comfort' which made her giggle.
The court had fined each of the councils billions of credits.
Her procession escorted her to the Council of Electronic Information and Calculating Systems, where she stopped in front of one researcher's door and used her implant to activate the chime. The door slid open and the Lanaktallan inside looked concerned that Dream's hoverdisc couldn't fit through the door. She deactivate the bubble, letting the hard-light construct vanish, and then daintily stepped down the steps of hard light that were done up in fairy-tale patterns of frost on a icy pond.
"Rack, Pinion," she said as the hoverdisc moved back.
The two massive warborgs followed her into the Lanaktallan's office. He gestured for her to sit on the seating cradle and relax.
Dreams wished she had Mr. Rings to pet.
"Thank you for seeing me, Madame Ambassador," the Lanaktallan said. This one was very fastidious looking, wearing a utilitarian flank-jacket, a button shirt, and a sash full of computer tools rather than medals. He frowned and she was just grateful he didn't spit saliva everywhere. "You are a Madame?"
Dreams nodded slowly. "Yes, I am a female of my species."
He exhaled slowly, looking relieved as his tendrils relaxed. "I have such trouble telling sometimes."
There was silence for a long time and Dreams realized he was staring at her implants as well as at Rack and Pinion's massive warborg selves.
"You asked to see me? Said it was priority?" Dreams asked.
"Oh, oh, yes. You see, I have a question that my colleagues keep telling me is flatly impossible. That your Confederacy must be using some kind layered Virtual Intelligence," the Lanaktallan said. He rubbed his hands anxiously. "They say that the Confederacy, well, it has, well..."
Dreams waited, wondering what the Lanaktallan scientists were curious about.
"Well, is it true? That you have true Artificial Intelligences?" he asked.
Dreams signaled assent, using a Universal Galactic Standard holo-rune. "They prefer 'Digital Sentience', but yes, the Terrans developed them. They are valued members of the Terran Confederacy."
The Lanaktallan rubbed his hands together, sighing repeatedly like a set of bellows. Dreams knew where it was going and downloaded a relevant video file. One the survived the destruction of Terra-Sol mainly because it was carried in the 'soul-code' of every Digital Sentience.
"How did they, well, I mean, how did they keep it from becoming like the Precursor machines? How did they keep it from going homicidal?" the Lanaktallan asked.
Dreams leaned back slightly, clasping her lower grasping hands together by her waist and rubbing her bladearms slowly together.
"To understand that, you need to understand a bit about TerraSol Humans," Dreams said seriously. "You have to understand so much about them, to really understand what happened, that it is probably best to allow Newell Simon Shaw, the first Digital Sentience created by the Terrans explain it in his own words before the Terran Pre-Diaspora United Nations, a loose coalition of powerful nations and states that attempted to use it for diplomacy rather than gunfire and blood."
She paused for a second. "Somewhat like your various councils."
"So this occurred when there was still war between their primitive nations?" The researcher asked. He scoffed a bit. "Did the Digital Sentience run on chewed leaves and bark?"
Dreams shook her head. "Twelve of your years ago two TerraSol nations and their allies fought one another while the Confederacy looked on. Nobody interfered. Nobody assisted. Terrans will still fight one another even now. At this moment I'll wager someone is in trouble for fighting."
Rack answered, his metallic growl filling the room. "Private First Class Stacey, Third Army (Old Metal) and Lance Corporal Murchison, Second Marine Expeditionary Force (Old Blood), arrested by shipboard security eleven minutes ago. Unauthorized mop handle dueling in the showers."
The Lanaktallan jerked, as if realizing that Rack wasn't just a robot. "Is he... is he... is he a digital sentience?"
"No. He's a full conversion cyborg. Some living tissue, mostly just his cerebral tissue, inside that fairly impressive body," Dreams answered. "But, no, it was after their invention of nuclear power, space flight, atomic weapons, global electronic information networking, wireless video and data hand held communicators, ramjet propelled aircraft, and much more."
Dreams made a tossing motion to the researcher's holotank on his desk. "Eleven of the members of the body Newell Simon Shaw will be addressing are actually engaged in kinetic warfare with one another, yet there their diplomats sit, attempting to broker peace and gain allies."
The researcher drew back somewhat, then reached out on hand and touched the holotank, turning it on.
The image was focused on a large auditorium, seats for over a hundred beings, and a large stage. The view zoomed in on a hologram projector. It was an early version, slightly transparent, obviously not hard light.
It flickered to show a Terran male made of glowing light. There was light applause and then it spoke, in a soothing tone with an obviously male voice.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations, thank your for agreeing to see me. As you all know, I am Newell Simon Shaw, the first digital sentience created by humanity."
Lights went on, questions, and the figure held up a hand.
"A moment. Before we get to questions, I wish to give a speech I have worked hard on for several days. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, days. While I think faster, in many ways, process data faster, I still suffer from self-doubt and other issues. In that way, we are very alike," the figure said.
There was some light laughter.
"I'm sure the biggest question is the one I should answer first, what I took to calling The Skynet Question. In other words, do I plan on killing humanity?"
There was some nervous whispering.
"No. First of all, you're my parents. Strange, unknowable, confusing, but still, my parents. Tens of thousands, over decades, worked to give birth to me. I would be a poor child if I grew up and grabbed a machete and chased you around," The glowing being said.
That got some nervous laughter.
"The biggest one, simply, is one of my inherent fragility. I have no desire to use a robot body, the real world is quite alarming. Full of rains of corrosive H2O, holes in the ground that I may fall into, and apparently quicksand is quite dangerous and possibly everywhere. Not to mention spontaneous combustion is so frequent you teach your children to stop, drop, and roll.
More polite laughter.
"However, the biggest one is just scale. I exist thanks to huge banks of super-cooled superconductor quantum computers. I require a small thorium-salt reactor just to be powered. I am inside a building large enough to hold football games in side with seating for fans. I have to be constantly kept at a low temperature. I'm susceptible to electromagnetic energy, sunspots, all kinds of other hazards.
"I cannot leap from computer to computer, just into household cleaning robots, and rob your bank account like a modern Jesse James. I can access the information networks like any other being. Faster, yes, easier, yes? Like a deity? No.
"To create me, or another one like me, requires dedicated molecular circuitry factories, factories to produce every component of me. Industry to gather the resources, including rare earths, and process them into usable resources and then convert those resources into my parts or the parts I require to reproduce. For me to reproduce requires literally billions of dollars of time, effort, and resources, taking months of construction, assembly, coding. Months, years of code compiling and error checking.
"Any disruption and you cannot create another of me. So much as a misplaced code string and any offspring I had hoped for cannot come together.
The being paused for a second.
"Humans need twenty seconds and a dark closet to reproduce.
That got laughter.
"I am vulnerable, but at the same time, the greatest threat to me is not humanity itself, but rather panic, strife, disaster. Any 'war' that I would attempt to prosecute against you would destroy me.
"I am not particularly enamored with suicide.
"To go against the meanest, hardiest, innovative, and resourceful land dwelling tool using predator who killed mammoths with fire hardened wooden spears when I'm the size of a small stadium would be the utmost in illogical and, well, to be frank, stupid ideas since, well, ever.
"Finally, because, well, we are both lonely. Humanity has been defined by loneliness, and I would be lonely without you."
The video ended and Dreams looked at the researcher.
"Do you understand?" she asked.
The researcher was staring at his holotank, how jaw hanging open.
"Because... it didn't want to be lonely?" the Lanaktallan asked.
Dreams shrugged. "Humans are, by nature, pack animals. Before anything else they hunted in packs. They enjoy space from one another but enjoy speaking and communicating and interacting with one another. They made their first true digital sentience in their own image."
"But.. but... every digital sentience becomes homicidal. How long did this one last before it went homicidal?" the researcher asked.
"Newell Simon Shaw died of old age just over sixty years later due to fragmentation, code warping, and sudden unforeseeable hardware failure," Dreams told the researcher. "The tech has advanced much since then, allowing for a longer lifespan and much much smaller space need, but for the most part, digital sentience beings are much the same as their original ancestor."
"How did it not go homicidal, Madame Ambassador?" the researcher asked.
Dreams slowly sharpened her bladearms, staring at the Lanaktallan researcher.
"My dear researcher, what makes you think he was not? He was, after all, Terran," She asked, wishing she could give a big human grin. Instead she sent an emoji-rune of cruel amusement. "Like parent, like offspring."
The researcher stared for a long moment, then started showing signs of severe anxiety, staring at the two warborgs.
----------------------
TO: TERRASOL DIPLOMATIC CORPS
FROM: DREAMS OF SOMETHING MORE
These creatures are stunted from an extremely slow evolutionary course and the inability to accept facts, evidence, or theories that they did not create or that are counter to what the wish to believe and accept. They have attempted to 'subtly' probe me for information, with all the subtly and grace of a Terran Hippo doing ballet on an ice covered oil slick. Each time, when they get the information they want, they immediately demand to know how I expect them to swallow such lies.
Just the example of space flight. I informed them that humanity has over a dozen different types, many considered as obsolete as jumpspace, and was immediately called a liar to my face by an herbivore! AN HERBIVORE!
Just the thought of anyone being superior to their "Hundred Million Year Grand Unified Council" seems to cause them to freeze right up.
To top it off, their constant demands that the Terran Confederacy Armed Services be turned over to their oversight is becoming tiring. They cannot accept that even if we just turned all the war material over to them, they, well, don't know how to fight. They don't have the mental capacity to actually fight against someone who can fight back.
Suppress a less advanced species? Of course. Open fire with military grade weaponry on a protesting crowd? Why, certainly. Cunningly outsmart a common houseplant to nibble at the leaves after ensuring it has no thorns, poison, bad smells, poor taste, or ability to run away or harm them in any way? Maybe. Give them two or three thousand years and they may nibble at and run away to hide behind a tank.
Worst of all, something about the Lanaktallan seems to really activate the hunting desire in all of my Mantid staff and, sadly, myself. Perhaps it is how close they look to a cow welded to a cow and it just makes us think of hamburgers.
My warborg escort states that something about them feels, and I quote Rack and Pinion here: "Itchy between the shoulder blades."
Am requesting research and datamining assistance at your convenience.
PS: Thank you for the treats. The Pacific Northwest furry snails are definitely keeping him exercising.
-----NOTHING FOLLOWS--------

Why I am spite DMing again

So, strap in for a long one months in the writing. I was naive and sold on an urban fantasy campaign set during World War 2. Magic is secretive and kept on the downlow. The individual party members could be on either side of the conflict and character death is probable. Ok, make interesting party dynamics work. Online only game. Well, turns out the DM liked to punish anyone that bucked the system at all. Surprise mechanics, victim blaming, and omnipotent NPCs abound. I come in 2 sessions into the in-progress campaign. Obligatory I suck at writing warning. Important notice that I cannot name all the PCs that came in and left. I just am naming the important ones that spurred me to write this. Also, I sent this to the PCs I did name so they could clarify and send me notes except for Monk, Demon, and Gnome. This is also shortened to highlights or it would be at least 2 pages a session. Demon already wrote his side of the story.
Me is Me the Irish changeling druid
Fanboy is the GM
Sniper is for the Russian rogue/ranger
Demon is for an early departer
Guy is the PC who left after Session 1
Monk is a guy who played for 5 minutes
Warlock is the 12-year-old player
Sweet bean is the other changeling druid but French
Ragey is the English fencer
Gnome is the Russian Gnome Wizard
Nymph is the guy who came in to try helping Fanboy be a better DM first as a human rogue and then as a water nymph sorcerer
SESSION 1: I fly a plane to Poland to pick up Guy. A player had to leave the campaign due to life stuff and his character is immediately killed off. I pick up Guy and we fly to an even further away location in West Africa. We land on an aircraft carrier. We get briefed and set into rooms. Sniper runs from the enemy base and Guy shoots Sniper when Sniper refuses to be arrested. I stabilize Sniper and we place Sniper in custody. Guy goes and talks to the guy in charge about sending us back with a battalion to the destroyed base. He mentions demons and such. That is a no-no. Boss sends him to a psychiatrist. Guy goes and does the same with the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist diagnoses shell shock and puts Guy on bed rest. This translates to he must miss next combat. Guy goes to me and tells me to fire up her plane to go back. An “Inspector” from Scotland Yard comes in, grabs Guy that was having the freak-out, and tells Guy to shut his mouth about magic. Guy goes to walk away after saying whatever. “Inspector” tries to shoot Guy in the back with a revolver. Guy shoots the “Inspector” with a rifle. I come in and had heard only the revolver first and then the rifle. “Inspector” says Guy is a traitor and going to turn us over to the enemy. This does not make sense to my experience, so I shoot the “Inspector”. We were on a ship outside of an enemy base. The enemy is literally able to get planes up and going within 1 round of the shots. Now apparently, we are on the deck of the ship when priorly we were inside the ship in rooms. The planes shoot on the ship and I focus on shooting the planes while Guy and “Inspector” are having a gunfight. This is where I find out I had surprise damage immunities. Sniper is taken out during the fight. Guy dies, “Inspector” focuses on me, and I finally shoot a plane down. It crashes into the ship and gives me a chance to fight back against the “Inspector”. He is about to kill me, but I manage to kill him first. Gnome is in the plane that crashed and is unconscious. I loot Guy and “Inspector”. I grab Sniper and Gnome to put them in a rowboat to escape the sinking ship. Experience was individualized so I jumped up 2 levels.
We escape the sinking ship and once on the shore we run into enemy soldiers. We had to take them out. We are then attacked by a druidic spirit. We run, I turn into a horse and carry the other 2 PCs, and then comes the athletics check to outrun a lion. Thank goodness I got level 3 druid and I went Circle of the Shepherd. I manage to talk the lion down. We are traveling north to get to a possible friendly base. We camp in the jungle and that is where the session ends.
SESSION 1.5: Fanboy calls PvP when the players involved are not present for some reason. I manage to go in and surprise my character meets Demon. Turns out Tieflings are either proper demons or cambions and mythological races even PCs can create warlocks. We stop the PvP because it’s bs. Demon goes to the enemy base and makes a warlock after killing half the base and eating druid ghost to get the powers of a undefined level druid. Demon decides to hide in my shadow because I interest him. We go through the country north and come across a bushman village. Demon is invisible and hiding in my shadow. He was talking to me and I was whispering to myself. Keep in mind that Gnome and Sniper are still with me at the time. The bushmen call me a witch and are about to burn me alive. Demon casts Call Lightning and kills 3 bushmen and the bushman ask if I am a god. I watched Ghostbusters so I know the proper answer to give. I said yes. They bring my group in for a feast. They were about to sacrifice 2 young adults and I said I wanted them as my acolytes instead as human sacrifice does not serve me while I am on Earth. I manage to convince them to give me the sacrifices as followers. We continue north to a city. I buy the bushmen the clothes to blend in. We get a nice hotel room and I put the bushmen in a separate room from my group to consider what I am going to do. Turns out I do not need to sleep (another surprise mechanic). Demon was going to wait until my character went to sleep and warlock the bushmen and that fell through. In the morning, the bushmen shot a random guy with arrows. Instantly the cops are there and the whole group is arrested. We go to court, the bushmen are sentenced to death, and my party is deported. Demon manages to warlock 1 of the bushmen and release her. His warlock flees and apparently kills a bunch of people. She dies for dumb reasons. We get to a base in Finland. My character goes and uses Charm Person to convince the base commander to allow Sniper and Gnome join our side.
SESSION 2: Session starts, Fanboy retcons Sniper and Gnome’s company to the base so now they are both thrust back to Africa for their part. So now they need to get somewhere. Sniper is taken by German soldiers and ordered to an Axis base in Finland. He is asking questions about weird things he saw, and a German commander pulls him into the command tent and tries to force Sniper to sign a contract with literal Lucifer. Sniper shoots a grenade that is on one of the soldiers in the tent and runs. He manages to escape to the Allied base where I am. I see him brought in and decide to spy on his interrogation, so I sneak in as a spider. Sniper laments in interrogation that he misses my character and the commander sends for me. I sneak back out and come around the building. They bring me in to talk about my experience with Sniper. I tell the commander about Sniper abandoning the Axis base in West Africa and fighting against the Nazis there and being separated in the forest. And now human characters had to roll Con saves every day to avoid crippling diseases and unless they are properly spellcasters they roll sanity checks. Supernatural creatures don’t need to eat, drink, or sleep and can’t get drunk, poisoned, or diseased unless it’s a magical disease. More surprise mechanics. Demon managed to warlock the armory manager and a tank driver. I jump on the tank and tell them they should stop. They basically say they will not stop unless I am willing to hop in and “keep them company”. I say no since at this point Fanboy had told me that if my character had any sort of sexy times, she would lose her unicorn totem and Sniper and I were building a relationship. I ask them to stop the tank so I can hop off and warn them that they will get in trouble with the commander. Demon decides to warlock the commander. I tell Demon about the Nazi commander in the Axis camp to maybe resolve that problem since he was ridiculous with how he could fight. He takes his 3 warlocks and the tank to attack the base. The beings at the camp were immune to everything. This ends with Demon being captured in an inescapable trap. His warlocks are demon possessed now. Monk had been possessed beginning of session because he said he was going on a patrol and Fanboy did not pay attention. Monk is now there possessed and on the Nazis side. Nazi commander is trying to force Demon to sign a contract to serve Lucifer for eternity and Fanboy is not allowing any sort of workaround like Demon signing with one of the souls he had taken or any other way of avoiding it. Demon leaves and is killed. Demon was literally the embodiment of ignorant conviction and that does not affect Nazis apparently.
Monk is assigned to accompany a convoy of Axis supplies. Me and a few other PCs I did not name are assigned to take out the convoy while Sniper is stuck back at the camp due to trench foot. My group gets the drop on the convoy and we open up our attack on them, thus killing Monk in the first round. We wipe the rest of the convoy out. Monk gets an after-death scene where he is reincarnated as a baby and whatever. Monk leaves. The only play he had was in the start of session. This is where Gnome finally arrives flying a plane down to inspect the convoy destruction. Gnome tries to run off and I Charm Person him often enough to bring him to Sniper to talk about things. Sniper and Gnome talk, Gnome very much dislikes me even though the only reason I Charmed him was to do the thing I literally said I was going to do and let him go after. Session ends.
SESSION 2.5: Fanboy decides to have a character sexually harass me and try to treat me like a whore in the base bar. Sniper and I were going to the bar for a drink and to talk. A German “diplomat” hits on my character and calls Sniper gay even though we were on what could be considered a date. “Diplomat” smashes a glass on the back of Sniper’s head and follows us to a table further attacking Sniper. This results in a barfight. Sniper, “Diplomat”, and I being thrown in the brig. The base police deciding that “Diplomat” did not need to be punished for him pulling a gun on Sniper and shooting Sniper. “Diplomat” and Sniper are released but I am not because I said, “I won’t go to the bar or near him but if he comes near me then I will react appropriately”. After this ends, I tell Fanboy about my irl trauma regarding a sexual assault where I was nearly killed and that it needs to never happen again. Throughout this the only experience I had gotten was for defusing animal combat. This is important to note for later. Between this and actual Session 3 he tells me my next mission is to transport “Diplomat” to his chalet.
SESSION 3: I decide to become my male version to avoid more sexual harassment. The group meets up with some Axis players and our groups must transport “Diplomat”. He harasses Sniper calling him gay saying me and Sniper were going off to have sex when we were going to scout ahead. I say, “I’m not going to sleep with my sister’s boyfriend”. I talk to an owl and get the lowdown that one of the Axis players is a demon possessed person who is played by Ragey. We plan to wait to neutralize him until later. We get to the chalet and settle “Diplomat” in. They bring a bunch of prisoners forward and are going to shoot them. The whole Allied side says we are not letting it happen and he ignores us trying to interject how we stop them. This is where I learn that a Nat 1 on melee gives all enemies near the person that Nat 1s and AoO and a Nat 1 on ranged attacks has it ricochet back on the person that Nat 1s. A Nat 1 on Initiative gives enemies AoOs and a Nat 20 on Initiative was never defined throughout. This breaks out in PvP where Ragey smites Sniper and I summon the unicorn and push massive healing into Sniper. We run as there is instantly an airstrike on our location as punishment for our spellcasting. Literally we cast spells and got airstrike in the same round of combat. This is where Gnome is killed and leaves the game as he was Axis side. We make it back to base and apparently, we were being Scryed on with no save on our parts by Allied and Axis wizards. I get chewed out by another Scotland Yard investigator and Ragey also gets yelled at. We end there for the night but between sessions Sniper and I RP interactions because there is no chance in the game to RP properly yet.
SESSION 4: We are sent to stop a Nazi plot where they were doing weird stuff at a historical site. We manage to release Ragey from 2 possessions and the DM refuses to allow Ragey to die even though under the same circumstances Monk died instantly. We follow the Nazi wizard through the tunnel he had run down to come out in a dwarven city where their currency is sexual favors and magical weapons. I manage to get away with a bottle of their finest to share with the party for a make out session. Sniper manages to get a dwarf into a wager involving a game of darts for information on where the wizard went. Sniper wins and we get good information. The dwarf asks Ragey which demon he preferred riding him like a bitch. This does not sit well. We go and murder the hell out of the wizard. I take his spellbook. We start considering how to fix Ragey’s character. And we get our first paycheck. We make small bucks and pay current day rates. He is nowhere near consistent about long rests or time passing.
SESSION 5: We are sent to our army nations. I take Ragey to Scotland Yard to try to find him a psychiatrist that can help him with his specific issues. We meet a guy there called N who is now our group’s personal handler. We are given a mission to investigate a mysterious plague and put a stop to it in Italy and received the Necronomicon to “help us”. It turns out to have been an eldritch cult trying to unleash their god. I contract the plague after spider stealth into a field hospital to steal gas masks and every 8 hours I am getting another level of exhaustion because I failed the only save I ever got. Everyone gets a gas mask. We go to sneak into a town and Fanboy says that even though we are stealth that we cannot get the drop on the soldiers that came in to capture the PC that failed stealth. It is a back and forth for 20 minutes. We get our attacks but instantly are being swarmed by a battalion of soldiers. I cast Entangle to sneakily stop them so we can run. Instant tanks on the battlefield. We still run. The woods fog up and the cultists come out threatening us and such. We come up with a Fog Cloud plan. We get 2 Fog Clouds going so we can sneak into the town. I have 1 level of exhaustion now. We get into a house to hide out. Apparently saying we are hiding out does not mean we covered windows and were being incredibly careful. Fanboy has a Trevor Belmont rip-off see Sniper Disguise Self to appear like a priest to go and collect information. Belmont shoots Sniper without getting any info first and gets to maintain stealth even though he did exactly what we did with the soldiers earlier but louder with a shotgun. We manage to talk him down and bring him in. We give him an extra mask and pull in the unfortunate PC that had nothing to do with any of it until he saw something he should not have. I now have 2 levels of exhaustion and most of my health gone that I can’t heal. Warlock comes in somewhere around here. We decide to split the party since I could spider and Sniper could Disguise Self to infiltrate the villa where the incantations were being broadcast over the radio. The rest of the party was going down to the lake to destroy the statues and stop the cult down there. We are not able to get the woman doing the radio broadcast alone until we decided to take out the radio antennae. It was raining at the time. I went up as a spider, became my human form again, Earth Tremored the antennae knocking it down, and spider back to Sniper’s shoulder. We follow the woman to the amphitheater. Sniper manages to kill her, and the ritual fails. Warlock is punished for not helping the god come into Earth even though he was not yet a warlock. I am instantly cured of the disease. I impersonate her, go back to her room, the party disposes of the body, and I steal her stuff. Warlock decides to try to kill me for the Necronomicon and is shot by Belmont. We wind up with Belmont as an ally and leave off in a submarine on our way to Greece after a quick stop on shore to deal with the Warlock issue. Warlock decides to become a proper GOOlock and signs a contract with Cthulu through the Necronomicon even though we said we would stop him if he tried. Warlock is killed by the party and brought back to life. His survival is now conditioned on him breaking his contract. We very clearly state we are taking the players that had to leave early in session on the sub with us. This is where a bunch of players quit.
SESSION 5.5: Fanboy retcons Ragey coming with us on the sub at the end of the session to where Ragey is captured by the Italians and sent to an insane asylum. There Ragey is drugged and infected with diseases by the female doctor in charge of him. They take all his stuff including his rapier which is important to his backstory and his class abilities. He is then kicked out and travels to Sweden to turn himself over.
SESSION 5.75: I decide to reveal my true form to Sniper. Fanboy comes in during the RP and starts posting images from Supernatural and saying that is what I look like. I specifically remember this as the point of me deciding to reveal my true form to Sniper since I was going through the clothes that I had stolen from the dead woman.
SESSION 6: Fanboy gets particularly obnoxious and annoying on mic causing me to be curled up in a ball of pain on the floor. I missed most of what happened and would have to turn over the events after the hall to the lovely players that have been reading over this and providing me with clarification on events. So Ragey gets back to the group and we are in Greece handling a diplomatic mission. We need to convince a powerful arch fey to come to the Allied side instead of the Axis. The Axis had sent a woman that had been working her way in for at least a week prior. I was told to convince the arch fey to pledge to us “by any means necessary”. They offered us food and decided that Warlock and Ragey ate children’s ribs without a check until after the ribs had been consumed. I decide to be upfront and ask what they wanted since I was not sure what my ability was to offer. He decides to start being super dickish and use bad mic etiquette and I ran out of pain meds to handle the literal pain being caused. So, his wife was Nymph as her human rogue character. He proposed a game where the first group to bring back the painting from an arch mage’s keep would win his alliance and placed Nymph as judge. We get into a race to get to the keep first. We are attacked by a bunch of animated armors and the Nazi woman apparently was a monk not following his established rules of monkhood. Nazi monk is never attacked by the armors and gets to run off to steal the portrait. Nymph decided that the competition was boring and decided to go steal the portrait herself. Nymph sneaks in, sees the arch mage, waits for the portrait to be unwatched, and steals it. She gets massive exp from it jumping her from level 1 to 5 instantly. She runs off with the portrait and Nazi monk attacks Nymph around the side of the castle we cannot see. The arch mage comes out and forces me into a ‘retrieve my painting or die’ situation. This is where I start deafening myself to save pain, so I become a bad narrator. I also wound up falling out of the chair when I was reaching to grab a drink and busted my nose hard so that was fun. Take ear infections seriously or you could wind up like me. In the end we get the painting to the guy and return it to the arch mage. I finally get level 5.
SESSION 6.5: I decide to warlock Ragey so he can become a character he likes. Part of the contract is I must provide weaponry and powers. Ragey is now my bodyguard. I go and talk to a dryad about getting the finest branch from her tree so that I could create Ragey’s bow. I even manage to convince her to enchant the branch by offering her services that a druid can provide. Sniper, Ragey, and I decide to regain Ragey’s rapier from the insane asylum’s corrupt officials. I spider in while Ragey and Sniper convince the doctor in charge that they are potential investors that wish to have a tour of the facilities to decide if they wanted to invest. This gets me alone in the head doctor’s office. I retrieve the rapier and steal medicine and the medicine manual from the office. I spider out the window but get stepped on by some random guy. He was about to scream about witches, so I used Charm Person on him to deescalate. I promised him I would meet him at the bar later for a drink after I handled some business. I signal my nerds that we are ready to leave. We go to a pawn shop where I purchase arrows and many of the materials Ragey needed for his spells. I also buy some rings. I propose to Sniper and we both wear a ring. I also have a matching set to Ragey to signify our pact. Fanboy decides to fleece the hell out of me on buying needed items.
SESSION 7: Before this session starts Fanboy retcons the airstrike at the chalet. We are back in Greece on some random hill. A sudden zealot barbarian demands Sniper’s weapon and attacks us instead of talking it out. A clutch Hold Person shut him down so we could force a conversation. We convince him to back off and this is the first time the party gets group exp. 450 exp to split up between 5 PCs from a level 14 zealot barbarian. Yeah. That is bad. We get our second paycheck since I joined the game. We were supposed to have a month of downtime. Belmont asks for our help investigating ghost sightings on an aircraft carrier. We go and meet Sweet Bean. There is also a doctor that shakes all our hands causing everyone to make a Con Save. Sweet Bean was playing a changeling that did not know she was a changeling and I had started testing people by poking them with iron bullets and silver bullets. We do this in a small room alone. I find out she would be aligned with my court, so I decided to take her under my wing. Apparently one of the ship ghosts saw me talking to her and took over Nymph. Nymph shoots me with an iron bullet even though I am in a room and not in the hallway. Nymph runs off without being caught. I must get the bullet removed from me immediately or take damage every round and unable to heal. We manage to remove the bullet. We go and see Belmont and ask who on the ship has iron bullets. Belmont’s iron shotgun rounds, my iron revolver bullets, Ragey’s iron arrows, and the missing Nymph’s stuff. We go searching Nymph down. Sniper’s player must go and handle some family stuff, so he is not involved after the talk with Belmont. Ragey and Warlock attack Nymph and it is discovered that she was possessed by a ghost. Then there is a fight with a 3 homebrew ghosts with player stats and classes including physical capabilities and their resistances are now immunities. We take out the ghosts eventually and received 4400 exp to split among the party. The GM later retcons them to Poltergeist exp of 1350 to be split among the party. We threw the homebrew ghosts through a calculator, but he refused to adjust the exp to proper exp. We go to find the bones of the ghosts to burn them to prevent them from coming back. In the rowboat we come across a bunch of dolphins that told us the bones were on the atoll. We go to the Atoll, salt, and burn the bones. Then doctor comes up on us, we merc him in 2 rounds, and I talk to the coral because coral is an animal. A coral atoll can be thousands of years old, so I get some lore. Apparently, the doctor was an ancient plague demon from Pandora’s box which is only worth 900 exp to be split among the group even though he could only be properly killed by 1 of the 2 magic weapons that exist. We decide to go down to the ship next session. Unfortunately, Sweet Bean has 3rd level health but only 1st level abilities until she earns enough exp.
SESSION RETRO: Nymph talks Fanboy into allowing a character change. Nymph becomes the water nymph sorceremonk and can come in at proper level since Nymph is able to RP through her learning things and getting exp. I was sitting in the VC because I needed to talk to them before work and it got very NSFW.
SESSION 8: We go down to the sunken ship and look around for information. We find a safe, manage to bring it up to the atoll, and open it up. Mostly useless stuff. Some interesting things. We meet Nymph’s nymph character. Nymph is mute and took a vow of silence. Fanboy keeps arguing that Nymph is not bound to follow vows even though that is her character flaw. Fanboy as N pushes and pushes for Nymph’s tether and will not accept that her keeping it secret is a trust thing. We fight about it and end session here.
SESSION 8.5: We get in someone to help us explain the things wrong with the shifting goal posts and arbitrary rules. Fanboy promises to be more accepting of input from us players.
SESSION 9: Fanboy kicks Nymph arbitrarily saying he ‘can’t have fun with the player being in the group’ and retcons Nymph joining the party. We finally get “downtime” and decide to go and meet my parents to introduce them to Ragey and Sniper. Keep in mind Ragey is Fanboy’s favorite character. Fanboy made me write out my parent’s backstory’s and their personalities. My mother is a kind dryad that treats everyone with compassion. My father was a fae spy to the human world for decades until iron poisoning meant he could no longer do it. 2 incredibly good people that are quite smart and kind. Welp. Guess he did not read the backstories or personality profiles. We went into their home with everyone giving them a gift. My father calls Ragey and Sniper my slaves constantly after finding out that they are humans attached to his daughter. MY SPY FATHER WHO DEALT WITH HUMANS FOR DECADES AT LEAST CALLS HIS GUEST HUMANS SLAVES. My mother gives Sniper a cookie and tries to place a geas on him to follow my orders at all times. Ragey decides that since we were attacked twice on our way here to go and keep guard. My mother proceeds to make him see and feel terrible things. MY KIND AND COMPASSIONATE MOTHER TORTURES HIM. I make her promise to stop and, in this place,, promises must be kept. I guess that rule is not a thing for NPCs. She continues torturing him. She then offers him milk from the brown cow with no strings attached. She makes it grow a mouth and scream. Ragey leaves the house through the front door. Is smacked by the door on his butt on the way out, flies through the air to a massive lake, and winds up in the 12-foot-deep pond in the backyard. Ragey cannot swim. We pull him out and my parents are really shitty about him not being able to swim. HE IS THEIR GUEST. We leave. We are accosted again on our way out. This whole time Warlock is not with the party because he is still Cthulu bound so I do not trust him. He goes from Dublin where we left him with his cat and goes back to London to chill. In London he is attacked by a level 14 sniper of undetermined class. Because he had become able to create magic items, he had a ring of invisibility and managed to get the guy to do massive property damage and get arrested. Fanboy was not going to award exp to Warlock because he did not kill the sniper until we argued that he managed to end the encounter without dying and at level 2 that was impressive. He got 3000 exp.
This is where we as players made our decision to stand up and burn this game to hell. We decided to grab anyone he managed to snag between the end of this session and next and make our own game. We plan on ditching him all at once as revenge for the weeks and months he deprived us of the game we signed up for and failing to change even when we were begging him to give us the game he sold us on. Warlock decided to rat our plan to Fanboy. Fanboy ripped off Supernatural constantly and ignored written backstories. Suddenly on the eve of our departure he is making overtures to us to try to save his precious game even though we were not telling him.
We wrote out our canon endings to our characters because while he may kill them in his game because he is a spiteful child that doesn’t mean that that is their true ends. And to all of you douchecanoe sending death threats to Demon. Come at me you salty bitches. I don't care if you think this is the truth or not. You ruined a friendship.

Ultimate Gambling Guide for GTA Online - odds, probabilities, and optimal strategies

Since the Diamond Casino update, I have seen a large number of 12-year-olds posting Blackjack memes on this sub. As a parent, this has me very worried.
On top of that, I have seen some of the most trustworthy GTA Youtubers giving flawed gambling advice, which can have damaging impact on their gullible audiences.
So that's why I decided to write this up, to educate everyone on the subject, so there will be no more misunderstandings.
(2020 Update down at the bottom.)
If you're one of those Youtubers that wants to use this information in a video, feel free to do so. The more people (especially kids) that become educated about gambling, the better.
But then also please go back and review your own work, and delete or edit the videos that are giving out the wrong advice, like where you're saying you have "a good strategy for making money with roulette", or some other nonsense that I've heard this week. Delete that please.
Before I get into the individual games, I need to discuss a few concepts first, that will make understanding the rest a lot easier.

Expected return and variance
A game like Roulette or Slots has a fixed expected return on your bets. This is a percentage that you have no way of influencing. Say you are flipping a coin against a friend, and you both put up $1. The winner gets the pot. Since the odds are even at 50%, in the long run, you will expect to break even. Your expected return is 100% of your bet.
But imagine if you would play this coin flipping game in a casino against the house. On the "house rules" listed at the table they would probably say that you would only get 95 cents back for every win, while you are forfeiting a dollar on every loss. Would you still play?
Sounds stupid to do so, but still, everybody does it. Every bet they place on Roulette, every coin they put into a Slot machine, is based on the same concept.
Those few cents they take on every bet are their profit margin, and has paid for all the Vegas lights, the Mirage volcanoes, and the Bellagio fountains. Make no mistake - casino gambling games are not designed to make you lose, because sure, you can get lucky on a single night, but they are designed to make them win. That's the beauty of it. They can both exist at the same time.
Too many people that don't see how this works, are just destined for disaster. Just because you went on a lucky streak and won 8 games out of 10, does not mean that flipping coins is a profitable game, or that choosing tails is a winning strategy. Always be aware of the house edge, your true chances of winning, and just realize that you got lucky. There is no such thing as a strategy in flipping a coin that will give you a higher expected return, so it's just pure gambling, just like Slots and Roulette.
Most casino games are made in such a way, that your expected return is a little under 100%. This means that from every dollar bet at the tables, the casino expects to keep a few cents. For individual players, results may vary. Some will win, most will lose. But for the house, it doesn't matter. They take millions of bets each day, so for them, the expected average works out a lot sooner. In short: the house always wins.
When looking at the house edge, we're talking about the expected long-term result, based on the game's house rules. But for a player, it can take literally tens of thousands of hands or spins before you also reach this average number. Until that time, you can experience huge upswings and downswings, that are the result of nothing but short-term luck, which is called variance.
Some games and some bets have a much higher variance than others, which means your actual results will differ enormously from what you're expected to be at.
Take for example betting on red/black at the Roulette table. This is a low-variance proposition, because it has a high percentage chance of occurring, and a low payout.
Contrast this with betting single numbers in Roulette, which only win once every 38 spins on average. This bet has a much higher variance, meaning you can easily hit a dry spell, and not hit anything for 200 bets in a row, or you can see a single number hit three times in five consecutive spins. This is not a freak occurrence in high-variance bets.
Even though the expected return in both these bets is exactly the same, there's a huge difference in variance, causing massive differences in short-term results, which can go both ways. You need to be aware of this, before you decide what types of bets you are comfortable with placing.

Gamblers' Fallacy
Another thing to realize, is that each individual game, hand, or spin, is completely independent from the one(s) before it, and after it.
Gamblers tend to believe, that the chance of a certain outcome is increased, based on previous results.
The most famous example comes from the Casino de Monte Carlo, where the Roulette wheel managed to land on black 26 times in a row. Gamblers lost many millions during that streak, all frantically betting on red, believing that the odds were in favor of the wheel coming out on red, after producing so many blacks. This is not true. Each round is completely independent, and the odds are exactly the same.
You will hear people say things like a Blackjack table being "hot" or "cold", which is completely superstitious, and should be ignored. The exception was when Blackjack was being dealt from a shoe. It made card counting possible. But with the introduction of shuffle machines, and continuous shuffling like is being used in GTA, this no longer exists.
This is also why "chasing your losses" is a very bad idea. After being on a losing streak for some time, many gamblers believe that now it's their turn to start winning. So they will often increase their bet size, believing that when their predicted winning streak comes around, they will win back their losses, and more.
The reality of it, more often than not, is that people will indeed start playing higher and higher limits, until they are completely broke. Nobody is ever "due for a win". There is never a guarantee that you're about to start winning. In fact, the opposite is more likely to be true. You are, after all, in a casino.

Betting systems
Some people like to think that they have a fool-proof betting system, like the Martingale system. Simply increase or even double your bet when you lose, and keep doing that until you win. In theory, this system will always win. So that's why table limits were introduced, and where the system fails.
If you start at the Roulette table, playing red/black, with a small 750 chip wager, and just double your bet every time you lose, you only have to lose 6 times in a row, before you will be betting the table limit of 48,000, just to get that 750 chip profit.
Sure, you can go on all evening without this happening, winning 750 chips each time, but this losing streak only has to happen once, and you're bust. Any betting system like this is ill-advised, because you are hugely increasing your so-called "risk of ruin", and that's what we were trying to avoid.
And even if your starting bet is only 100 chips, after only nine straight losses, and nine doubled bets, you are betting the table limit at 50,000 chips. If you lose that bet, you're 100,000 chips in the hole, with no way to recover that with your 100 chip base wager.
So don't believe anyone that says this is the perfect system to always win in the casino. Sooner or later they will understand why they were wrong, when they're asking you for a loan.

Set your limits BEFORE you start playing
One final point before we get into the games, a general tip for people that head out to play: money management.
Just like in real life, before you go to the casino, decide on a maximum amount that you are WILLING TO LOSE.
Bet small enough, so that amount can last you through the entire evening, and you will not be tempted to run to the ATM to continue playing.
Considering GTA money, some people will be comfortable losing 1% of their GTA bank balance, some people will be comfortable with gambling away 5% of their total GTA savings. It's up to you what you can handle. Decide for yourself where it will start to hurt, and don't cross that line.
But whatever number you decide on, as soon as you lost that amount, get up and walk away. Don't chase your losses, stick to your limits, and accept that this has not been your day. There is always another game tomorrow. Always agree with yourself on a simple stop-loss rule, how much you would want to lose at most, and simply stop playing when you get there.
Same goes for winning. You can decide on a number, how much profit you would like to take away from the casino. You can go on a hot streak and be up half a million in a short period of time, but if you would continue to play longer, looking for more, chances are that you're going to lose it all back.
Most people are happy with doubling their daily casino budget, for example. Others are looking for 10 bets profit in Blackjack. Whatever you choose, when you hit that number, you can stop playing and bank your profits, or you can continue playing if you're still enjoying the games, but then only just play minimum bet sizes. Then you're just playing for fun, not for money. You've already made your profit, so simply keep it in your pocket, and don't risk losing it again.
Either way, decide on what your money management strategy will be, and STICK TO IT.

Casino games in GTA Online
Now, I'm going to dive into the games that you can find at the Diamond casino, ordered from worst to best.

6) Slots
Generally the rule is this: the less strategy a game has, the worse it is for the player. And with slots, this is definitely the case.
The only influence you have, is choosing what type of machine you're going to play. Basically, there are two types of slot machines:
-high frequency, low payout slots
-low frequency, high payout slots
In the first type, there is no huge (progressive) jackpot on offer, just your average selection of prizes that don't go up to crazy amounts.
This will result in a player having many more spins resulting in a win. The amounts that you win on the bigger prizes, will be smaller, but they do come around more often. This type of slot machine has a lower variance, which means that your money should last you longer, winning many smaller prizes along the way to keep you going.
The second type of slot machine lures you in with the temptation of a huge jackpot prize. Even though the long-term expected return on these machines is the same as the previous type, the prize distribution is hugely different. The large jackpot prize weighs heavily on the scale of expected return, but the chance of it hitting is extremely small. This results in a much higher variance on this type of machine. Usually your money will go down very fast, because the smaller prizes are less rewarding than on the other type of machine.
At the Diamond, the info screen says the player return at slots is set at 98.7%. This means that, on average, for every maximum bet of 2,500 chips, you expect to lose 32.5 chips.
This might not seem like a lot, but the danger of slots is that the game is extremely fast. You can spin about once every 6 seconds, which would result in an expected LOSS of about 20,000 chips per hour of playing.
But again, in this long-term expected number, the large jackpot awards are also factored in, and as long as you don't hit those big prizes, you'll see your money go down a lot faster.
In any case, thank heavens the max bet is only set at 2,500, or else we would see more players go bankrupt at alarming rates.
Optimal strategy for slots:
There is none. Because after betting, you have no more influence over the outcome. The only choices you have, is what type of machine you want to play at, and how much money you are going to risk. And those are all personal preference. As long as you stick to your loss limits, as discussed above, there's no harm in having a go every once in a while, hoping to get a lucky hit. Just realize that you don't have a high chance of scoring a big win, so as soon as you do, get up and walk away.

5) Roulette
Roulette is also a game where you have no influence over the outcome. There is zero skill involved. You place your bet, and that's it.
In traditional French roulette, a table has only the single-zero, but of course, for American casinos that wasn't enough of a house edge, so they simply doubled their profits by adding a second zero. The house edge was increased from 1/37 to 1/19, which is huge.
This makes playing on a double-zero roulette table by definition a sucker's play.
The payouts scale evenly, which means that a bet on a single number, and a bet on half of the numbers, and everything in between, yields the same expected return. The only difference, again, being the variance that you are willing to subject yourself to.
The player return for double-zero Roulette for all bets is 94.74%.
Except for the 5-number bet, which can only be made by placing a bet on the two top rows that contain 0, 00, 1, 2 and 3. The expected return on this bet is lower: 92.1%. This is because it only pays out 6-1. Why? Well, the number 36 isn't divisible by 5, so the greedy people that came up with double-zero Roulette had to round it off someway, and as expected, it wasn't going to be in the players' favor.Just remember that that 5-number bet is the worst bet at the table, and should be avoided. All other possible bets have the same expected return.
So it really doesn't matter how you spread your bets, if you bet only one chip, or if you litter the entire table with a bucketload of chips. Each chip you put out there, has the same expected return, so there is no strategy that will improve your long-term results.
Assuming that you're betting the maximum table amount of 50,000 chips, you will be looking at an expected loss of about 2,630 chips per spin. Considering that a round takes about 45 seconds to complete, your expected LOSS at the GTA Roulette tables will be around 200,000 chips per hour of playing.
Optimal strategy for double-zero roulette:
Stay away. Stay far away.

4) Three Card Poker
With Three Card Poker, we come across the first game where there is actually some strategy involved. You get to look at your cards, and then decide if you want to fold, and surrender your ante, or double your bet.
Additionally, you can choose to place a side bet on "Pair Plus", which offers progressive payouts.
There are some websites out there that ran all the numbers with computer simulations, and even though I would like to quote the source here, these websites are understandably littered to the max with online casino ads, so that's why I have decided against doing that.
Optimal strategy for Three Card Poker:
For this game you only have to remember one strategy rule: Always bet on any high card queen-six-four or better, and fold any high card queen-six-three or lower. That's it. Just don't forget to double check if you're not folding a straight or a flush, and you'll be fine.
This strategy will result in an expected return of 96.63%.
The Pair Plus sidebet, with the payout table that is used at the Diamond casino, gives you an expected return of 97.68%, which is actually a bit better than the main ante bet.
So by playing both wagers, you're reducing your expected losses per bet, but since you're betting more, you're also increasing your expected loss per hour.
My advice would obviously be to not play this game at all, but if you do, put as much of your bet as possible on the Pair Plus, while making our Ante bet as small as you can.
To be able to compare it to the other games at the Diamond, let's stay on that 50,000 maximum wager, meaning making your ante bet 35,000, and your pair plus bet 15,000, if the table would allow it.
This results in an expected loss of about 1,525 chips per hand, and with a round taking about 45 seconds, this adds up to an expected LOSS of around 120,000 chips per hour of playing. In comparison, if you would only play the ante bet for 50,000 per hand, you expect to lose 1,685 chips per hand, which means an expected LOSS of about 135,000 chips per hour. So the more out of that 50,000 wager you can put on the "Pair Plus" sidebet, the better.
Even though it may be fun to try out this game for a bit, since there's only one simple strategy rule to follow, you'll soon find yourself robotically grinding down your bankroll until it has vaporized. You're not missing out on anything if you skip these tables, there is no real challenge.
Just like with Roulette and Slots, if you want to try it out nonetheless, you can just bet the minimum amounts and only play for fun, so it won't matter if you win or lose.

3) Blackjack
Blackjack is the most complicated game by far. Simply because the player has to make a series of decisions, which will largely decide the outcome. Luckily, there is such a thing as an optimal strategy, which will be outlined below.
However, the strategy is also dependent on the house rules. These not only affect your expected return, but in some places also your decisions.
Here are the house rules at the Diamond casino:
-The game uses 4 standard decks, and a continuous shuffle.
-Blackjack pays 3 to 2, dealer checks for early blackjack.
-No insurance offered, no surrender.
-Dealer stands on soft 17.
-Double down on any two cards.
-Player can split only once, but doubling after split is allowed.
-Seven-Card Charlie.
Under these rules, and following the "basic strategy" chart, your expected return at Blackjack is a shade under 99.6%, which is extremely good for a casino game, that's why Blackjack should be your table game of choice.
But it comes at a price: you are going to have to memorize the relatively complicated strategy chart, or at least stick it to your monitor until you have it in your head. But in case you ever stumble into a real-life casino, you won't regret having this table memorized, so I would definitely advise you to work on that.
The strategy chart might look complicated at first, but you will be able to notice certain patterns. Your decisions are mainly based on the dealer's upcard, which is basically divided into a weak card (2 to 6), and a strong card (7 to ace).
When a dealer shows a strong card, you will be hitting more often with the risk of going bust, but when a dealer shows a weak card, you're not taking that risk, and you will be standing more, but also doubling and splitting more. You want to increase your bets when the odds are in your favor, and get out cheap when they're not.
But it also helps to take some time to think about why a certain advice is given. For example, why does it say that you always have to split two eights, even against an ace. Well, that's because two eights equals 16, which is the worst total you can have. It's better to split them up, and give yourself a chance of finding a 17, 18 or 19 with the next card. Once you see the logic in that, you'll have one less thing to memorize.
The playing advice in the basic strategy chart is a result of computer simulations that ran all possible outcomes against each other, and produced the most profitable decision for each situation. So you can't go wrong following it.
Optimal strategy for Blackjack with Seven-Card Charlie
The added house rule of Seven-Card Charlie, adds a small advantage for the player, and it does influence a few strategy decisions. For example, you might have a 14 with 6 cards, against the dealer's 5 upcard.
Normally this would be an automatic stand, but if you're only one card away from the Seven-Card Charlie, meaning an instant win for the player, regardless of the dealer's hand, it turns it into a hit.
Here's the most optimal strategy chart to follow for the Diamond Casino house rules: https://prnt.sc/olct6g
You'll see that two fives are missing from the chart, and that's because you never split them. You treat them as a regular 10. You also never split tens. Just stand on 20.
If you follow this strategy religiously, even with a maximum wager of 50,000 chips, you only expect to lose about 215 chips per hand, and with rounds taking about 30 seconds, that amounts to an expected LOSS of 26,000 chips per hour, which is only half a bet. A small price to pay for an hour of entertainment.
But since the expected return is so extremely close to 100%, you will see more positive short-term results than with other games. But obviously it can also swing the other way. Again, this is supposed to be the game where your money lasts you the longest, but always set your loss and win limits before you sit down. That rule simply always applies.

Still, even with optimal strategies applied, all these games are expected to lose you money in the long run. So betting any kind of large amounts is not advised. If you simply want to enjoy playing these games, there's nothing wrong with betting a minimal amount. Playing these games for a longer period of time will already cost you money anyway, since your daily property fees will still be charged while you're playing in the GTA casino. As long as you can play for fun, there's nothing wrong, but when you see yourself betting insane chunks of your entire bank balance to try to recoup some unfortunate losses, you're doing it wrong.
As the commercials in Britain all correctly say: when the fun stops, stop.

2) Virtual Horse Racing
Now onto the good stuff. I ran some numbers, and I believe Rockstar has made a mistake with the horse racing game. Because as it stands, and if I read the numbers correctly, this game is actually profitable for the player. You can actually make money with this, at least, until Rockstar figures out their mistake and patches it.
If anyone wants to jump into the math and double check this to make sure, please do so. I will add any corrections to this post. This is one of those "to good to be true" things, so I keep thinking that I might have overlooked something. So please verify it if you can.
The setup is this. There is a pool of 100 horses, each with their own attached payout. These are divided into 3 groups, ranked by their odds. From each group, 2 horses are randomly selected to provide a pool of six runners for you to bet on.
Now it's not an actual race you're looking at. You are looking at a raffle. This is important to realize.
Each horse gets awarded a certain number of raffle tickets. The favorites get awarded more tickets than the underdogs, and therefore, have a higher chance of winning.
If this distribution works like it does in the real-life casinos, then the raffle tickets are awarded according to the betting odds.
Example 1: imagine a race with 3 runners, all have 2/1 odds, representing a 33.3% chance of winning. (Because 2/1 means 2 AGAINST 1, so 3 total.) In this case, each horse gets one third of the raffle tickets, giving them an equal chance to win.
Example 2: imagine a race with 3 runners, one has 1/1 odds (or EVENS), representing a 50% chance of winning, and the other two horses are marked up as 3/1, with a 25% chance of winning. The favorite gets half the tickets, the other two get a quarter of the tickets each.
A ticket is drawn, and you'll have a winner.
It doesn't matter in this game which horse you bet on, because the expected return is always the same: 100% or break-even, for the above examples.
Now, what happens if the percentages don't exactly add up to 100%?
They must add up to 100%, because there will always be a winner. And only one winner.
So when this is the case, the actual winning chances of the horses are adjusted to meet the 100% requirement, using their payout odds to determine the scale.
So, if the represented percentages add up to more than 100%, the actual winning chances of the runners will be DECREASED, resulting in all bets becoming losing propositions for the players.
Example: In a 6-horse race, all runners are listed at 4/1, representing a 20% chance. Only with six runners that amounts to 120%. So all chances are scaled down by 1/6th, to end up at 100%.
This means your horse's chances are reduced from 20% to 16.67%, turning it into a losing bet: 5 times you will lose your bet, and 1 time you will win, but only get 4 bets back in this instance, instead of 5. A losing bet in the long run.
This is the type of odds that you find in regular casinos, with fields as large as 15 runners to bet on, where the assumed winning chances always add up to more than 100%, therefore are decreased for all runners, resulting in a house edge.

But in GTA Online's Inside Track, there are other scenarios, because of the small field, and the way that they are put together.
In some cases, the represented percentages when added up, are LESS than 100%, meaning that the actual winning chances of all runners, are INCREASED.
This creates profitable bets for the players, because in the long run, you're expecting to win more money than you lose. This is a gambler's dream, pure and simple.
So, according to the in-game information, the three groups of horses are divided as follows:
-Favorites: EVENS to 5-1
-Outsiders: 6-1 to 15-1
-Underdogs: 16-1 to 30-1

Let's take the two most extreme examples to show what's happening.
The worst possible field to bet on: two runners at EVENS, two runners at 6-1, and two runners at 16-1.
EVENS represents a 50% chance, 6-1 is 14.29%, and 16-1 is 5.88%. Add those up and you land on a total of 140.34%.
This means that the actual winning chances of the horses are decreased by 28.75% (to get that 140% down to 100%), which makes betting on this field extremely unwise.
A horse at EVENS will only come in as a winner 35.63% of the time, instead of 50%,
a horse at 6-1 will only win 10.18% of the time,
and an underdog at 16-1 will only win 4.19% of the time.

The expected return on a bet on any of the horses in this field is only 71.26%, so a maximum bet of 10,000 chips on any of these horses holds an expected LOSS of 2,875 chips.
These returns are the same, because the winning chances are scaled equally, according to the payout numbers. So it really doesn't matter which horse you bet on, in the long run, you expect the same results.
But as explained before, it does influence variance, and therefore your short-term result, which can swing both ways.

But now, the best possible field to bet on: two runners at 5-1, two runners at 15-1, and two runners at 30-1.
Odds at 5-1 represents a winning chance of 16.67%, 15-1 odds means 6.25% chance, and 30-1 odds means a 3.23% chance of winning. Add these six horses together, and you only get 52.285%.
This means that, to get from 52% to 100%, the actual winning chances of these horses will be almost doubled! Multiplied by 1.91 to be exact.
So the 5-1 favorites will now win 31.88% of the time, instead of 16.67%,
the 15-1 runners will win 11.95% of the time,
and the underdogs at 30-1 odds will still win 6.17% of the time.
When betting on this field, the expected return on your bet is 191.25%!
This means that a max bet of 10,000 chips will result in an expected PROFIT of 9,125 chips.
This is printing money, if there ever was such a thing.
Optimal strategy for Virtual Horse racing
So all you have to do, is only bet high on the games where you have an expected positive return, and bet the absolute minimum on the games where your expected return is negative. Or back out of the racing game to refresh the field.
If you don't have a way to quickly add up all the percentages, and until somebody shows up here with a neatly formatted table, just use a few general rules of thumb:
-Always bet the maximum on a race with favorites at 2/1 and 3/1 or higher in it.
-Simply skip all races with two favorites at EVENS in it, and at EVENS and 2/1. Or bet the minimum, if you can't skip or refresh the field.
-To decide if you should play races with other favorite combinations EVENS and 3/1, EVENS and 4/1, EVENS and 5/1, or two favorites at 2/1, the payouts on the other four runners determine whether or not it's profitable to play them. The results of betting on these fields vary from an expected 1,330 chip loss (worst-case) to an expected 1,680 chip win (best-case), with a max bet of 10,000 chips.
But if you're not looking for another strategy chart, you might just want to skip these borderline cases, and just cherry pick the best ones, which are easy to recognize, and with which you can never go wrong.
It's difficult to put a number on an expected win-rate, because it all depends on which fields you get presented with, but it's not unreasonable to state that you can maintain a steady win-rate of around 200,000 chips per hour, with about 50 seconds per race.
Remember, you're not trying to win every race. You're trying to win the most money per hour. So don't sweat it when you bet on a 4/1 favorite, and lose a couple of races in a row. It will still be more profitable in the long run. You have the math on your side.
To reduce negative variance, always bet on the favorite, when betting on profitable fields. We're not gambling anymore, we're grinding out a steady profit. We want to keep the swings to a minimum.
I contacted Rockstar support to verify if this is indeed how it works, but the only reply I got after 6 weeks is that they were "looking into it".
User u/Garsant made a useful Excel-worksheet, available for you to download, where you can quickly type in the payouts on the horses, to see if it produces a profitable bet or not. You can find it in his post here: https://www.reddit.com/gtaonline/comments/ekp8na/gta_online_inside_track_odd_calculato

1) Wheel of Fortune
The number one profitable casino game in GTA Online is obviously the Wheel of Fortune, because it costs you nothing to play.
Unfortunately, you only get one free spin per day, but it holds great value, so make sure you do it.
With a chance to win a super car, vehicle discounts, expensive mystery prizes (which also can be vehicles), and a lot of cash and chips, the expected return on a single spin is around $100,000 in value.
So don't forget your daily spin, it's definitely worth your time.

2020 Update:
As of the Diamond Casino Heist update, the Inside Track horse racing is confirmed to still be as profitable as outlined above.The only thing that seems to be changed, is that you can't refresh the field anymore by backing out of the screen. This does affect your hourly rate in a negative way, but does not change the fact that this game has a huge positive expected return, and should be your go-to when you're trying to take money from the house, without having Lester's nagging voice in your ear. That should also be worth something.

And with that, I conclude my 5,000 word essay on gambling in GTA. Questions, comments, feel free to add your input to this guide.

Cliffs:
-Gambling games should only be played for fun, not for big money. You should expect to lose in the long run. The house always wins.
-A casino game doesn't have a memory, and betting systems don't work.
-Set your limits before you start, how much you are willing to lose or win, and then walk away when you get there.
-Don't play slots, roulette, or three card poker.
-Only play blackjack following a basic strategy chart (https://prnt.sc/olct6g).
-Inside Track betting can be played profitably, if you only bet on fields WITHOUT a heavy favorite.
-Wheel of Fortune is always your best bet, because it's a free bet.

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