France Betting Sites, Bookmakers and Free Bets

Section Zero: Background
Hello all, happy hoildays! I stumbled upon this subreddit not long ago and have enjoyed the commentary and experiences everyone's shared. Wanted to add another perspective from a mid-30s first-gen American. I've had some missteps regarding careers and finances, but I feel like I'm in a slightly better place now. I tried YNAB in the past but I wasn't consistent enough with it. These days I use Mint to monitor my finances and have a "Finance Friday" each month to review all my accounts and spending. I currently live with my partner TJ and his dog RR. We do not combine finances, but he has been unemployed since March. I have helped him with some bills and basic necessities here and there until he finds his next job or career.
My current financial goals are to just maintain a status quo and not get any debt until pandemic times are over. Then I will focus on a house remodeling fund and savings for taking care of my parents.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances? My parents taught us about money from a frugal perspective. They are immigrants who worked in food service/factories. There was always this “save save save” mentality. Even when they started their own small business, we saved like there was no tomorrow. In high school, my calculus teacher bought us all “The Millionaire Next Door” book and had us read it as an assignment - that was my first structured introduction to finances.
Did you worry about money growing up? No, there was always food on the table and a roof over our heads. I knew that our extended family would support us if needed.
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it? Yes. My dad didn’t finish the high school-equivalent in their country, while my mom did finish high school, but no college. My older and younger siblings took a different path in life after high school. I am the first and only in my family to graduate from college. My parents covered all tuition for my two bachelor degrees with the agreement that I support them fully during their retirement and send them gifts/extra money whenever I can. I feel very lucky and privileged that they were able to provide that education for me.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net? 24 when I went on a work holiday abroad. My family was always available to help when needed, but the experience abroad helped me stand on my own feet. As an adult, I also inherited that “save” mentality and put a lot of my earnings towards savings. I didn’t date until my 30s, lived frugally, didn’t go out to eat/hangout with people, shopped thrift stores, and had very few hobbies. I am starting to “live a little” now though.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? Aside from the tuition, my parents have helped with a down payment for my first house and living costs during periods of unemployment.

Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance
If the place I was working at offered a 401k, I would always contribute up to the company match. I started my IRA in my mid-20s and would try to contribute the yearly max. I've stopped that the past 2-3 years though. My Other Brokerage is some play money, but I got tired of staring it and switched to index funds. I haven't contributed anything to it in a few years.

401k: $34,127 (5% company match on contributions)
Brokerage: $22,421 ESPP
Roth IRA: $40,615 VTIVX
Rollover IRA: $15,760 VTTHX
Other Brokerage: $7,235 VTI
Coinbase: $1,286 ETH (mostly just playing around with it)

Equity if you're a homeowner
Purchased my first home for $382,000 with 20% down, right before lockdown earlier this year. Perfect timing, right?? I plan to live here until my retirement. My parents contributed $15k while I used most of my savings for the rest.

Current Equity: $80,371

Savings account balance: $3,073
Checking account balance: $7,800
Credit card debt: I charge everything on my credit card for the points, then pay it off each month using my checking account balance.
Student loan debt: Traditionally no student loan debt as mentioned in Section Zero.

Section Two: Income
Income Progression (listed as gross income with cost of living area):
High School

$11/hour MCOL - Helped with small family business.

College and first “career” job

$12-19/hour MCOL - I did events/banquet serving after classes and had an internship doing software administration.
$22/hour MCOL - Junior web developer. I realized after a year that programming was not my calling.

Mental health break

$12/hour LCOL - Work holiday abroad. I got a steady banquet server job for that whole time. It was enough to live minimally in a hostel, do weekend trips, WOOF and figure my life out.

College (again) and second “career” job

$12-15/hour LCOL - Decided to go back to school for a different bachelor's degree. While pursuing that degree, I worked at hotels and events as a banquet server again. I also did “search engine evaluation” whenever there were tasks available.
$36,000/year salary LCOL - Software administrator at a casino after graduation.
$39,000/year salary LCOL - Systems analyst at same casino. I left after 2 years, feeling disillusioned with the casino industry. I moved back home with my parents until I could get back on my feet again.

Third “career” jobs

$20/hour HCOL - Entry level advertising role. I was applying to all types of office jobs and that was my only bite.
$45/hour MCOL - Cold-called from a global company who needed someone with my software administrator experience from the casino job. It was an 8 month contract. Although I was starting to love my advertising job, the increase in pay was no question.
$65,000/year salary MCOL - After the contract ended and a few months of unemployment, I landed my current job at the same company. It is an “early career” role according to their job levels.
$66,900/year salary MCOL - Cost of living and merit increases after 2 years on the job. Pre-COVID we got a $5000 bonus each year. They have now stopped bonuses as well as all COL and merit increases.

Main Job Monthly Take Home:
Monthly Net (paid bi-weekly): $2,758
Deductions:

Taxes: $1214
(Pre-Tax) Insurance (Medical, Dental, Vision, Life) + HSA: $822
(5% Pre-Tax) 401k: $256
(10% Post-Tax) ESPP: $514

Side Gig Monthly Take Home:
No side gigs at the moment, but I am thinking of signing up on Upwork.com and doing Excel/data entry projects to help pay the mortgage.
Other Income: TJ’s friend will be staying with us for a month in January, who will pay rent of $800 including utilities. Depending on how that goes, we may take on a roommate in the spare bedroom long-term.

Section Three: Expenses
Mortgage - when I bought the house, the plan was that I would charge TJ a portion of the mortgage costs as “rent”, but since his unemployment I am now covering it all myself.
Regular Monthly Payment: $1677.57

Principal: $501.31
Interest: $849.74
Taxes & Home Insurance: $326.52

HOA: $30/year
Retirement contribution: Nothing additional than what's been mentioned.
Savings contribution: I used to do $50-100/month, but since COVID I’ve stopped contributing to my savings account.
Investment contribution: None at this time.
Debt payments: $100/month towards TJ's credit card balance of $2,307.
Donations: $10-20/month, usually towards Omaze or Planned Parenthood.
Utilities:

Electric: $45-65/month
Water: $60-90/month
Sewer: $30/month
Garbage: $26/month
Natural Gas: $30-80/month
Xfinity internet: $60/month

Cellphone: On my parents plan.
Subscriptions:

LinkedIn: $29.99/month for TJ’s job search - he’s found it very useful.
Amazon/Netflix/Hulu: We piggyback off family and friends’ accounts.
Nintendo Switch Online: 19.99/year
Costco: $60/year

Gym membership: Pre-COVID I did Orangetheory for a year. I started to pick up free exercise equipment from Craigslist this year, so we have a small garage gym now and utilize YouTube exercise videos instead.
Pet expenses: $10/month. TJ has stockpiled some Costco canned dog food before unemployment, but once that runs out I will likely cover the costs. We also started to make homemade dog food to help supplement.
Car insurance: $460 every 6 months. Car is paid off.
Regular therapy: I will start in the new year. Not sure what the costs are yet, but I will use my HSA to pay.
Vitamins/Medications: $20/month
Groceries & household items: $75/month
Miscellaneous (eating out, house purchases, gifts, etc): $100/month

Section Four: Money Diary
Monday
6:30am Neighbor starts up their truck. We joke that it's our natural alarm clock. They idle for about 15 minutes before heading off. I go back to bed.
9am My real alarm goes off. I put the electric kettle on for some morning tea. While it's boiling, I do my morning routine: drink glass of water, take synthroid, use bathroom, brush teeth, quick shower. I then make tea - Jasmine Pearl English Breakfast with dark forest mix. I started ordering loose leaf tea in large amounts back in March instead of small bags or single serving packets. Seems more economical since I drink it daily. I let the dog out into the backyard so he can do his morning routine.
9:30am I go through my daily tasks for work. They entail checking processes and reports to make sure they ran successfully overnight. I then answer some emails and catch-up on Slack channels.
12pm Lunch is leftover roast chicken and quinoa from Saturday. I heat it up in the instant pot. Love that thing! Almost every meal of ours involves the instant pot. We hardly use the stovetop. We then walk the dog to the business park across from our neighborhood. There's a very short trail that runs along a drainage creek by the business park. It's quite muddy, but has a nice woodsy feeling. Over the summer, we saw sumac trees there as well. Free sumac spice!
1:30pm Department meeting on Zoom. Our director announces his resignation on the call. Everyone is shocked! Layoffs were announced for next year but this was not a part of it. I think it's a good move for him and he doesn't have to have this worry of layoffs over his head.
3pm I meet with an engineer from another team and talk about a data source they are in charge of. He helps me out in understanding it and we identify most of the fields that I need for a project I’m starting.
5:30pm I check in with my partner. He's been watching LinkedIn tutorials on internal recruiting, job coaching and general computeoffice skills. It's a career change that he wants to make - something where he can talk to and help people. He doesn't have a bachelor's, only an associates, and hopes these tutorials will get him a leg up in the job search. I sent him some entry level HR admin roles the other day and remind him to apply. I then heat up leftovers: homemade chana masala and rice. I add some butter and coconut milk to thin it out, so there's enough for both of us.
10:30pm I take some magnesium, vitamin D and Airborne. I say goodnight to the dog who sleeps in the office. Then I say goodnight to TJ. He sleeps in the spare bedroom on weeknights due to his snoring keeping me up. I'm a light sleeper while he is a pretty deep sleeper.
Daily total: $0
Tuesday
9am I check Reddit Secret Santa. My match seems like a really good person. Not sure what to get, but most likely will purchase something off their wishlist. I wish I was more creative with my gift giving.
11am Meeting with business stakeholder. She submitted a few changes to an existing data process about a month ago. I make the change while on the call and have her test. Success! Marking it off the todo list. I love when we can finish things directly on a call.
12:30pm I come out of my office to make lunch. I notice my partner is not home. I check my messages and see that he's stepped out to pick up a few things. I ask for celery, carrots, and kombucha. $17. I make a quick charcuterie board for lunch: Costco salami, cheese, homemade hummus and Triscuits. It's a simple, fast meal that’s always in our rotation.
2pm My partner is back and we take the dog out for a walk and quick round of disc golf at a nearby park. We mask up and play only a few holes. Disc golf is a pretty frugal activity, you only need 2-3 discs to get started. TJ remarks that my throws are getting better, but then again they weren't great to start with. We talk about Christmas/Birthday gifts on the way back home since he was born on New Years Day. He mentioned snowshoeing but asked to not spend that much. I'll do some research!
5pm I think about personal career projects. Should I put up a portfolio of projects somewhere? I decide to try and pull some Yelp data. There’s not a lot of data points that I was interested in. Regardless, I tinker with it for an hour. TJ asks if I'm hungry. I said not so much, but felt thirsty. Maybe some ginger soup tonight?
7:30pm Dinner is served - ginger carrot soup made in the instant pot. We eat some rice crackers with it. Lately I feel like we've been eating more vegetarian dinners. It definitely helps stretch our food budget. We end the evening by finishing Fargo season 3 on Hulu.
Daily total: $17
Wednesday
1:30am I'm woken up by the dog. He's been sneezing a lot and wheezes at random intervals. TJ doesn't have the money for a vet visit but I've offered to pay as long as he calls to make the appointment. I give the dog some coconut oil, rub his belly until he seems better and go back to bed.
7am Garbage day. We usually put it out the night before but I forgot. I get up to go, but TJ handles it. I think, at least. I'm too sleepy to pay attention and go back to bed.
9am I wake up and rinse some dishes that have piled up and put them into the dishwasher. We both grew up in households that had a home dishwasher, but forbade from using it. It was drilled into us that hand washing saves more water, unless you had a restaurant/industrial dishwasher. I think with modern home dishwashers, that's changed, so I wanted to try it out with our dishwasher and monitor the water bill. Don't have any dishwashing pods or powder, so I put some OxiClean in it.
12:30pm I overhear TJ on a call with a recruiting agency. It seems to be going well, lots of laughing. I heat up some taco lasagna that I freezer meal-prepped last month.
2pm Collaborate on a project at work with an engineer. My manager put me on this project since I was asking for an assignment on a more technical team. I'm learning tidbits here and there, but I don't feel like it's structured enough.
5pm I do an Orangetheory-At-Home workout and try to break a sweat. It's not the same as going to their studio.
6pm Charcuterie for dinner. Our fridge is full of store-bought and homemade pickles that go super well on a charcuterie board.
Daily total: $0
Thursday
7am I wake up tired. The house has been feeling more cold, which woke me up a few times. We keep the temp at 72F during the day, at night around 68F since we thought the bedrooms keep the heat in pretty well. My mistake!
9am I do my usual morning routine and login to work. My team mostly spends the morning sending each other emojis.
11:30am Lunch today is mini quiche, frozen chicken and veggie entree, and hot dogs. Not the most cohesive meal, but it fills the belly.
12:30pm TJ heads out to his mailbox that's 30 minutes away. He is still waiting on his tax return and a 401k withdrawal. His taxes had to be filed by mail for some reason, then the IRS office shut down due to COVID. So he wanted to see if it arrived yet at the mailbox. He also takes the dog to the vet's urgent care on his way. They didn't have any regular openings available until the end of the year, and the dog seemed to be getting worse. I give TJ $40 to mail a gift package to a friend in France and also reiterate that I'll cover the vet bill when he gets it.
4:30pm I pay some bills, my favorite activity (not)! Sewer bill: $59.44 (billed every 2 months). Geico bill: $459.60 billed every 6 months. Then I follow up with my mortgage officer over email. I had sent her some documents for a refinance quote last week, but haven't heard back. Rates keep dropping, so I'm told, but what does that really mean? I do some research on realestate.
5pm TJ messages me and says he'll be back for dinner. I ask him to pick up some Popeyes via drive thru since we both don't feel like cooking today. Popeyes is currently our fancy “going out to eat” food. $24.17 for a 4pc dinner meal and a 2pc dinner meal.
Daily total: $583.21
Friday
8:30am Busy morning at work. My phone is buzzing with emails and Slack messages. I try to answer them while I make tea.
10am Zoom Department happy hour. We reminisce about our director and then play those Jackbox party games. Some of them are hard!
11am TJ asks if he can make me anything for lunch. He suggests savory oatmeal, quick and easy. I tell him that I really appreciate him making meals/doing chores/etc without me prompting. We've been having conversations about "house project management" and mental load because I did most of the chores or I had to continually remind/tell him to do it. I'm really happy to see us progress on this front. I decide to work through my lunch break so I can end the day early. I don't often do that, but I'm ready to get the weekend started.
2pm I check on TJ in the spare bedroom and ask if the dog has been fed yet, since he was nipping at my feet. I notice something off about TJ and ask how he is doing. TJ is depressed about his personal life, career, finances. He doesn't know what to do, spends half the day meditating and reflecting on past trauma. I've been prodding him to get a therapist but he is confused about his insurance. He makes an appointment with a primary care doctor first. I feed the dog some homemade dog-friendly beef stew.
4pm My mom swings by the house (but doesn't enter). She currently works at a school who distributes free USDA food boxes since March. There's often many boxes leftover that would go to waste, so she will grab a box for us. Onions, potatoes, beets, turnips, eggs, cheese, butter, frozen veggies and frozen chicken. She also brought her vintage pasta maker. I asked last week if she ever used it these days and her reply was “no, feel free to have it”. I love pasta and noodles and figure it would be great to make it ourselves as a frugal hobby.
8pm We catch up on Mandalorian and watch silly Youtube videos before heading off to bed.
Daily total: $0
Saturday
9am I open up my web browser and look at Craigslist and NextDoor for free stuff. I've been scouring for free landscape rocks, pegboards, and wood for house projects. I had this grand ambition to redesign our backyard. It faces our neighbor and currently the fence is pretty low. They can see into our kitchen and bedroom and we can see them. But y'know, COVID and going from dual income house to single income means it all has to be put on hold. So I've been looking for free items in the meantime. Over the past months, I've gotten planter pots, plant cuttings, a raised bed, stepping stones, all from free listings. I don't see anything worthwhile so I go and make some tea.
11am I look at Amazon and make some purchases for Reddit Secret Santa. A foodie kit, DVD of their favorite movie, and some cute pens for their writing hobby. $54. I hope they like it!
12pm TJ heats up leftover stir-fry for lunch for us. I put on some Binging with Babish and we watch how to make pasta. We have a plan - TJ makes the pasta, I make the sauce. Perfect date night activity at home. We watch some more videos on pasta and noodles to educate ourselves.
4pm I start prepping veggies. Big batch of onions, canned tomatoes, ground beef and butter in the instant pot. Meanwhile, TJ works on the pasta by following Babish's instructions.
7pm We gorge on fresh made pasta and bolognese sauce. It's so good! We end up watching Fargo.
11pm Usually I'll be in bed by now, but it's a Saturday and not tired yet (probably because of all that pasta). We play some Kirby's Dream Course on the Switch.
Daily total: $54
Sunday
10am Quick walk around the neighborhood with the dog. He's on a new routine now with the medicine he's taking. It seems to be helping his breathing issues.
11am The pasta maker and flour is still out since we didn't clean up yesterday. There's some old pie crust in the fridge so I roll it out with the pasta machine for mini quiches. (Sally's Baking Addiction blog is my go-to place for her all-butter crust and quiche recipes btw). TJ helps by mixing up the eggs.
3pm I play some Genshin Impact (GI) on my phone while TJ plays Starcraft in the office. I don't usually play gacha games, but the Zelda BotW-style of GI appealed to me. A gacha game is a game with randomized characteitem boxes that you use real-money to purchase a “pull” or to spin the wheel. I know the gacha parts of the game can be a real money sink if you get addicted to them, it’s almost like gambling. My main team is Fischl, Bennett, Barbara and Noelle. I level up to AR 22 and look up free-to-play tutorials for the game.
6pm There's some leftover pasta from yesterday, enough for both of us. I throw in some roasted beets to round out the meal. We watch more Fargo while eating. Almost done with Season 3!
10pm I find a tour operator who offers a small, socially-distant snowshoeing tour up on the mountain. I reserve for two people - this will be TJ's Christmas/birthday gift. $75. Off to bed for another workday.
Daily total: $75
Weekly Total: $689.79

Food + Drink: $41.17
Fun / Entertainment: $75
Home + Health: $59.44
Clothes + Beauty: $0
Transport: $459.60
Other: $54.00

Section Five: Reflections
Aside from the car insurance bill, this was a typical week for me, COVID or not. We make the majority of our meals at home and usually splurge on drive-thru/delivery once every other week. I may have overspent on the Secret Santa gift, but I don't often give gifts out to friends. It's not something our family does either. For TJ’s Christmas/birthday gift, we usually talk upfront about costs. I’ve gifted him fancy restaurant experiences the past 2 years, since we can share that experience, but obviously can’t do that now. Snowshoeing is a nice change of pace.
The conversations with TJ this week have given me thought on how to approach him differently about finances and working together in a relationship. I’m still unsure about the future financially, particularly as my parents near retirement age and that TJ has pulled out his 401k to pay his debts. I don't know if I can support both my parents and TJ together, so I am finding ways to upskill and/or side hustles without becoming a workaholic or bogged down by stress.
Writing this money diary was also the first time where I really paid attention to my past income and current income. I might be contributing too much into ESPP that could go towards the 401k or mortgage instead? I also seem to have been underpaid for what I did in past jobs, even in a LCOL area.

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HRP Trip Report: The Pyrenees on steroids

PROLOGUE(TLDR): I’m one of the many PCT 2020 NOGOs. My naivety and hubris made me embark on a beautiful but testing journey that took me 816km(507mi) from the sandy shores of the Atlantic Ocean through the heart of the Pyrenees crossing France, Spain and Andorra to finally arrive at the warm waters of the Mediterranean Sea. The hardest 23 days I’ve ever done didn’t so much test my body but shake my mind. After the report follows an extensive gear section including a cottage gear jacket which is the first of its kind. But first some facts and stats to put it all in perspective.
What: The Haute Route Pyrenees (Pocket Guide Versio n)
When: 1st - 24th of September 2020
Total Time: 22 days and 22 hours (includes one zero)
Distance: total: 816km(507mi) / daily average: 35,6km(22,2mi) / daily max: 45,78km(28,45mi)
Vertical Gain: total: 49336m(161864ft) / daily average: 2153m(7063ft) / daily max: 2880m(9449ft)
Route: Map with waypoints of the HRP
Photos: 77 Pictures
Gear: Spoiler: 10.75lbs including a mirrorless zoom lens camera setup
Instagram: I’m posting photos with additional info on how climate change is affecting the Pyrenees. Surprise…it's quite severe. Follow along to find out more.
Strava: My daily itinerary including some clutch camp spots
Conditions: Daily highs at the start were around 23°C(73,5°F). Daily lows towards the end were around 6°C(43°F). Coldest nights were around 2°C(35,5°F). Very mild overall. Mostly sunny. Some days completely foggy, especially at altitude. A few outliers that brought in heavy winds coupled with rain. It hailed for a few minutes once. Luckily missed all the snow which started falling a couple days after I passed certain sections at the end of my trip.
Additional information: The HRP is an unofficial route which crosses the Pyrenees and can be hiked either West- or Eastbound. The trailheads are Hendaye, France (Atlantic Ocean) and Banyuls, France (Mediterranean Sea). The HRP has some sections in common with the GR10, GR11 and GR12. There is a Cicerone guide available. I chose to follow the Pocket Guide rout e by Paul „Whiteburn“ Atkinson. His guide keeps higher and crosses more Cols (passes). For every difficult section and Col Paul usually has an alternate which is easier and passes through more valleys for additional resupplies that should be considered in bad weather. At this point I have to thank Paul, who put an incredible amount of time and knowledge into his guide and provides it to us completely free of charge. Thanks Paul! If you are ever in Hamburg I’ll buy you a beer. I chose to do the whole route without any alternates and stay high. On his website you can find GPX files for all sections and PDFs for both directions with detailed route descriptions and resupply options.
For navigation I only used GAIA Premium with all French and Spanish IGN maps downloaded. This would eventually bite me in the ass. But more on that in Chapter 3 of my report.
The trip report will not be structured by days but by sections between resupplies.
Feel free to skip any part. I know this trip report is way too long and I guess it’s more for me to remember. But maybe you’ll find my journey interesting enough or use it as a reference for your own future Pyrenees hike.
If you have any comments or questions, ask away.
TRIP REPORT
Chapter 0: Hamburg - Hendaye
Wait, doesn’t the HRP start in Hendaye? Yeah well, bear with me for a minute. The adventure started before I even arrived at the trailhead. I wanted to reduce my carbon footprint a bit and chose to take the train down to Hendaye from Hamburg, Germany. The whole journey should have taken 14,5 hours instead of 5 hours by plane and a quick bus ride. Well, the German and French train companies had other plans and decided it would take me 30,5 hours instead.
I had been waiting inside my train in Hamburg for 30 minutes before the conductor announced that the train had some defect and would not be taking me down to Paris. Good start… I quickly rebooked my journey to Paris but had to rebook my train from Paris to Hendaye directly in Paris.
F*ck it. Let’s give it a shot. Little did I know that the train down to Hendaye had already been cancelled by the French.
The next train thankfully took me to Paris. While trying to find the metro station some guy on his bike abruptly stopped and started talking to me in french and pointing at my back. Once it was clear that I was oblivious to what he was saying he thankfully switched to English. He asked me if I was an ultralight backpacker and showed me his X-Pac pack on his back that a friend of his had made. I was carrying an X-Pac pack I made as well. So we got to talking and I told him that I was going to be stranded in Paris for the night and didn’t have a place to stay yet. He generously offered for me to stay with him and his mom who he was visiting. We exchanged numbers and decided to meet up later as I had to rebook my ticket for the next morning.
The three of us spent a lovely evening having dinner and talking about all things life. Thanks Ulysse for approaching a stranger on the street. I appreciate your friendship very much and I hope we get to hike together soon! Hiking and ultralight has yet again proven how well it connects people.
The rest of the “approach“ went smoothly and I arrived the next day at 12:30pm in Hendaye.

Chapter 1: Hendaye - Lescun - Day 1-5
Before starting I obviously had to take a dip in the Atlantic Ocean. The water was lukewarm. Would the water be as pleasant on the Mediterranean Sea three weeks later? I wasn’t sure if I’d find out… After being quite excited for the trip something shifted two days prior to leaving Hamburg. A tight feeling in my chest settled in. I lost all excitement. I didn’t want to go anymore. This feeling would not go away for the first couple of days out on trail. I never had that problem before on any of my other multi-week trips…
My pack was way too heavy. Last year my kit was hovering around the 7lbs mark but after adding a few luxuries and finally settling on a proper camera it was more around 10lbs. Doesn’t make a big difference to me. But I really screwed myself on the food I took for the first few days. Unfortunately, I’m really lazy when it comes to planning my food for trips so I went no-cook. I went to the grocery store an hour before it closed the night before leaving for Hendaye. I just grabbed some stuff I thought I’d like not looking at the g/Kcal food lists I actually had from past trips. I grabbed two heavy-ass glass jars containing PB and Hummus. What was I thinking!?! Glass jars…
I thought the food I bought would last me 3 days… It lasted 6.
Okay, let’s start walking!
Starting at 2pm, I left Hendaye behind me pretty quickly. The vert didn’t wait to introduce itself. Right away you do some steep ascents on forest roads and then out of nowhere you are bushwhacking through some thick brush. The vegetation is very lush and green in the Basque Country. Water was scarce though and my 2 litre capacity was depleting rather quickly in the heat. The first time I managed to find water was around 7pm from a kettle pond. I threw in two of my Micropur tablets and continued the ascent up to Larrun. For the first time I was close to 1.000m(3.300ft) above sea level. After the descent south of Larrun I found a nice meadow. I imposed one restriction on myself for this hike. No night hiking like I usually ended up doing. I just didn’t want to miss anything.
The night was mild and clear. I decided to cowboy camp. A decision I regretted due to all the horses with bells around their necks grazing around me. Whenever I heard a bell come closer I’d jump up and look around me. I was scared shitless of being trampled to death. That would not be the only night I was accompanied by that fear but the last I cowboy camped…
The next two days were more of the same, occasionally passing through a little village of ancient stone-walled houses. I met a dutch hiker, Gun, who was carrying a ÜLA Catalyst. He was a bit skeptical regarding the ultralight approach. I shared my troubles getting into the hike and not being in the right mindset. He knew the feeling and said I should give it a couple more days and hopefully find my groove. I was skeptical but what was the alternative? The logistics of getting back home were more complicated than continuing on. But I think the main reason I went on at that stage was because I had shared my plans of hiking the HRP with so many friends and family… I couldn’t admit defeat, especially since I was in good shape, doing 40km(25mi)+ days right from the get-go.
Lost in conversation, we made some navigational errors but eventually arrived at a decent flat spot to pitch our mids (he was carrying a Duomid). I was happy for the company and I think the main reason I had trouble getting into the hike was the thought of being out there for three weeks… alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done more hikes solo than with friends but at that point in time I wanted to share the beautiful, fun and hard times with somebody, and I knew the hike I had planned would have a minimum of that. That night was only one of two in which I camped with someone else…
The next morning Gun and I said our farewells and I grinded on. Yes, it was a grind these first couple of days.
I passed more bells than I cared to hear. I kept thinking this must be the soundtrack of the Basque Country. Ha, how wrong I was. It was the soundtrack of the Pyrenees! I’m not sure if I saw more shepherds or hikers during my trip.
Despite my mental state during the day I was a very happy camper when I decided on my camp spot for the night. Five stars! I sat there, watching the sunset, overlooking the peaks of the Basque Country… smiling. Is this what I needed to turn it all around?
I was actually kind of looking forward to Day 4. Lots of vert and climbing my first minor peak at 2000m(6560ft) above sea level. But Pic d’Orhy would not come easy. First I had to tackle a pretty steep climb and scramble up some ridges. I was exhausted and during a tough scramble looking down a cliff I encountered a german couple who were day hiking and had just come from Pic d’Orhy. It was quite funny how I just started blabbing on without pause as soon as I had people to talk to. They were lovely and after sharing my hiking plans they gave me all the food they had left. I appreciated the fresh apple the most. Thanks Kati and Michi!
Day 5 was the day everything finally came together and I started to feel the trail. After descending down to Refugio Belagua I had a quick Tortilla (the first thing I bought after starting in Hendaye).
The following section will always stay with me. The sun was breaking through the leaves of a magical forest that opened up to a pine tree splattered granite landscape. It was one of the most beautiful sights I got to experience up to this point in my life. My enormous grin just wouldn’t leave my face. No chance. Arriving on the top of Col d’Anaye and looking over my shoulder I knew I didn’t want to be anywhere else in that moment. Crazy how nature’s beauty can totally change your perspective.
On the descent to Lescun I used my 6th and final Micropur tablet of the trip. It seems my confidence went up in every department in these hike defining hours.
After a quick road walk I arrived in Lescun.

Chapter 2: Lescun - Gavernie - Day 5-9
Lescun is a cute little village with a small super market that has a pretty limited selection. I quickly stocked up for the next stretch to Gavernie and got in another one and a half hours of hiking. I was never really sure where I would camp the following night. My itinerary usually evolved during the day depending on the terrain and the miles I managed. I got to a Cabane (unstaffed shelter) which was being used by a shepherdess I scared to death when I looked inside. I apologized and asked her if she’d mind me camping on the meadow next to the Cabane. She didn’t and I was glad when another shepherd arrived a few minutes later to hopefully rid her of any fear that was left about some weirdo arriving unusually late to camp right next to her.
I left early in the morning and embarked on a day that was dominated by clouds and fog. I managed to get above the fog for ten minutes which opened up the view to mountain peaks piercing through a plush white blanket of clouds. It didn’t feel like something real at all.
At Ibon de Estanés I passed a fellow ultralighter with a simple hola. I think he was wearing a KS Liteskin pack. Still kicking myself for not introducing myself.
Down in Candanchu I had my first proper town food. A very average Pizza. I’m only mentioning Candanchu as it’s one of the many deserted ski resort villages which look extremely off-putting and depressing during the summer. Funny to think that these sterile artificial places only come to life a couple of months a year. And seeing how climate change doesn’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon, will surely suffer in the years to come and maybe turn into permanent ghost towns.
While eating I requested the weather forecast from my dad, a hobby meteorologist. Since he was tracking me online through my Spot he always provided me with very accurate predictions for the next few days. I was always in the know and trusted his expertise. Who needs an InReach if you have your own personal weatherman?
After some road walking I once more climbed into the familiar fog. Due to the lack of views I started to jog down the occasional descents. No point to linger. Trying to fall asleep I just thought to myself how many beautiful landscapes I probably missed due to the fog. But you win some you lose some.
I was completing one week on trail the following day.
I’ve been cruising up to this point and getting a bit cocky. I was already calculating that if I keep up my current pace I will probably finish in 18 days instead of my roughly projected 21 days.
Little did I know that the “real“ Pyrenees were just about to start.
And I was definitely not prepared for what the HRP had in store for me that day.
Heading up to Col d’Arrious I had one of a few conversations with a shepherd. They are quite interesting people and come from all walks of life. Arriving on top of the pass the wind hit me hard. I quickly put on my wind shirt and headed down to Refuge d’Arrémoulit where I had a serrano sandwich with an omelette. While I was enjoying the view of the neighbouring lake a Bonelli eagle passed 15m(50ft) over my head. A rare sight. Could life get much better? I’m not sure, but it could definitely get much worse...
After my break I started to gain elevation again and headed over Col du Palas only to be greeted by a huge boulder field. Keep in mind, there is no trail at all at this point. Occasionally there were a few Cairns scattered around which didn’t really help to define a clear path. After scrambling down for a bit I had to head up those boulders to Port du Lavedan. This is where I made my first major mistake of the trip. I was kind of eyeballing the direction and not really checking GAIA. Well, due to my navigational error I missed the pass by a good 10m(33ft) and climbed up a small ridge I thought was the pass. Once on top I looked over to the other side I had to descend.
“WHAT THE F*CK!?! What the hell is this Whiteburn guy thinking to send people over this crap without advising them to bring some climbing equipment. No, don’t blame him, what where YOU thinking following some made up route from a guy on the internet. JESUS CHRIST. This is f * cked!“
I looked back - yeah no chance I was going back down the way I came. Not much better than what lay before me. Whiteburn mentioned that this section had three major Cols increasing in technical difficulty. This wasn’t one of the three but I thought it was the first and the thought scared me shitless. How was I going to survive the other two IF I made it down this one alive!?! Adrenaline rushed through my body. Focused like I’ve never been before I slowly moved my hands towards some slightly protruding rock to find any grip. Then looking for a decent foot hold. It took me a good five minutes of intense sweat to go down the worst part. I wasn’t going to do something like that again anytime soon, I thought to myself.
Well, I totally would. Kids, triple check your navigation before deciding to climb some stupidly steep ridge.
Not long after the worst part I saw the pass I was supposed to take a couple meters to my right. I was alleviated and angry for making a mistake that could have ended quite badly.
Those five minutes had depleted my energy to zero. I was shaking. That day I had my second shortest hiking day of the whole trip.
After a good nights sleep I was ready to tackle the three technical Cols of that section: Col de Cambales, Col d’Arratille and Hourquette d’Oussoue.
The experience from the day prior boosted my confidence substantially which made those cols a breeze to do and made me enjoy the wide mountain landscapes a lot more. I took my usual hour brake in the early afternoon and washed my shirt and socks. After the last col I tried to get as close to Gavernie, my next resupply. I ended up staying in my first Cabane of the trip which was just a simple rectangle stone hut. Nothing inside. I wanted to get up as early as possible and break down camp quickly so I could arrive early in Gavernie and not lose too much time in town. I managed to arrive around 10am the next day.

Chapter 3: Gavernie - Bernasque - Day 9-12
Gavernie is a little mountain town that is the hub for a lot of hiking loops in the area. It has a small outdoor shop you could definitely get a pack or shoes if you have trouble with your equipment.
I headed straight to a restaurant. I needed to charge my power bank to 100% and that would probably take 3 hours. With a quick 30min charge during my pizza break in Candanchu it had survived 8 days without charging.
I got to talking with two hikers that were sitting at the table next to me. They had started the Cicerone version of the HRP 33 days prior from the Mediterranean Sea. From what I could gather the Cicerone version is more in line with the alternates Whiteburn suggests for the Pocket Guide version.
After writing some post cards and stocking up on food at the small super market I had a big steak with fries and a fried egg.
I left Gavernie at 2pm with renewed energy. After the steep descent down Hourquette d’Alans the valley is accompanied by a nice stream that leads into the Lac de Gloriettes dam. Many of the turquoise lakes in the Pyrenees are actually reservoirs or hydroelectric power generators. It takes a bit away from the magic sometimes.
Right around Gloriettes a drizzle started to build. The fog from the days prior was back. And you know when you miss that moment when you should have put on your rain jacket but instead hope that it stops to rain? Yeah, that was me.
Completely soaked I looked at my map to make out potential campsites for the night. I made out a Cabane I should reach right around sunset.
Too bad it was being renovated and bolted shut. Luckily I saw Cabane des Aires a half hour up ahead on my route. I picked up the pace and moved on. I would regret my decision on many levels in the hours to come. I should’ve just set up my tent…
I was hiking a bit above 2000m(6550ft) and the fog was getting thicker to the point that I could only see what was 5m(17ft) around me. Combine that with mostly grassy trails and you have a navigational nightmare on your hands. I was looking at GAIA non-stop and still getting off-course. It was getting pretty cold. I managed to arrive just in time before it got dark.
Exhausted I put on my headlamp to check out the little stone hut. Something moved in my peripheral vision. I moved my head back to where I thought I saw something.
“OH COME ON! REALLY!?“
A freaking mouse. I really didn’t want to deal with these little pests right now. I shooed the thing outside. As the huts’ steel door wouldn’t close I built a barrier out of wood pallets and a nose from a snowboard (how the hell did that get there?). The sleeping area was in the back of the room and thankfully half a meter elevated from the floor. I set up for the night, put my food right next to me and left the rest of my gear on the table. After climbing into my quilt I scanned the hut for unwanted critters again. F*CK! The mouse had brought a friend along… I conceded right then and there. There was no way I was keeping them outside and the night was about to get worse.
When I went to charge my phone nothing happened. I unplugged and plugged my phone back into the power bank a couple of times. Nothing. I was using a micro USB cable with a Lightning adapter. After testing the cable on my headlamp the culprit was obvious. I never trusted 3rd party accessories for the iPhone before. Why did I take this little piece of shit anyway?
My phone was at 7% battery and I had no way to charge it. How was I going to navigate out of this thick fog? I only had one choice: wake up early and head back down the mountain to an Auberge 6km(3,7mi) away and hope that someone was willing to sell me their cable. For that to happen I needed a phone for navigation or clear skies. I knew the general direction but there were so many turns and lakes separating me from my destination that I would likely get lost pretty quickly, especially without any visual orientation. I guess physical maps weren’t such a bad idea right now.
The night was obviously terrible. I was on edge hoping for my phone to survive until the next morning and the two mice were having a serious domestic fight all night long. I kept following them around the hut with my headlamp. I spent most of my headlamp battery during the trip looking for mice. Thankfully they stayed away from my food.
After barely sleeping I woke up the next morning to unchanged weather conditions. F*ck. Too afraid to check my battery during the night I unlocked my phone. 4%. Yes! I can make that work. I just need 40 minutes to get to the road that will take me to the Auberge. I packed up as quickly as I could and headed out praying for no further navigational f *ck ups on my end and more importantly a kind soul willing to part with their charging cable.
I lost the trail a couple of times but eventually managed to get to the road with 1% left.
Arriving at the parking lot of the Auberge I saw a young couple getting ready to head out for a day hike. I told them of my dilemma and hiking plans. I probably looked quite pathetic. But thankfully they had a spare cable. They weren’t willing to take my money though. Damn was I relieved. I hiked up the way I came and I started blabbing the same way I always did on this trip as soon as I had company.
This iPhone adapter debacle could have cost me a day or two. It scared me enough that I will probably always take separate brand name cables for the rest of my life.
Even though the new cable had given me some much needed mental energy the next climb up Col de la Sede took the energy right out of my legs. This was probably the most exhausting climb of the whole trip for me. No trail, just 60-70% degree slopes of grass for 400m of elevation gain.
Looking back, this was probably the hardest day physically for me. On top of the pass I had to cross some steep scree that made me slide down with every step and sharp rock just waiting to cut up my ankles. After that it got a bit less technical for a few kilometers, but the ascents didn’t stop.
At Lacs de Barroude I had a decision to make. Take the alternate down to Parzán for some easy hiking on the GR11 or head east another 10km (6.2mi) with 900m(3000ft)/-1050m(-3450ft) of vert for some technical ridge walking. I was completely depleted and it was already 4pm. At the same time I wanted to complete the prettiest and hardest route possible. Three snickers later I started climbing up the ridge anyway. Sometimes I’m just too stubborn for my own good. For the first time that day I wasn’t walking in complete fog. The clouds still gave me pause. I didn’t want to be caught in a lightning storm as there was no easy or quick way off the ridge. Half way through I started hearing thunder. I couldn’t place it though and didn’t see any lightning. I picked up my pace as much as you can while scrambling up and down a ridge I guess. For the night I was betting on a green spot on my map that looked rather flat looking at the elevation lines. I just had to get there. The ridge walking got more technical as I progressed, but the clouds stayed tame. I moved north off the ridge and got to my planned camping spot.
My bet had paid off. Five stars! My favourite camp spot of the trail overlooking the heart of the Pyrenees. It was the first and only night that was completely silent as well. No bells, no mice, no nothing. I slept like a baby.
But not even good sleep could restore my energy after Day 10’s events and very steep and technical off-trail hiking. And Day 11 had more of that in store for me.
Climbing up Port d’Ourdissétou on one of the rare maintained trails of the day I noticed that I couldn’t keep this up for much longer. I needed a proper break. I decided to take a zero at my next resupply in Bernasque. That was still one and a half days away though. Luckily the second half of the day was a bit easier until a late climb up Port d’Aygues Tortes and the descent down to Cabane Prat Caseneuve. After my last, rather unpleasant, Cabane experience I actually wanted to avoid all further ones. But Prat Caseneuve was a very nice one with a second storey and proper mattresses. My fear of bedbugs made me sleep on the floor, to the great bewilderment of the Frenchman I was sharing the Cabane with. I was realizing that the Gavernie-Bernasque section was probably the hardest of the whole HRP.
The next morning we got up at 6am and I headed out at first light. Sleeping inside to get up early was the right choice as I had a very hard day ahead of me. I was going to tackle two of the highest and most technical cols of the HRP: Col des Gourgs Blancs and Col Inférieur de Litérole. Both just under 3000m(9850ft). I had heard horror stories about Litérole from other hikers on trail and in online forums. Especially descending the east side, which I was going to do. I didn’t buy it though. The crap I had already done to this point was hard to top, in my opinion.
It was a very pretty day and after passing another storage reservoir I headed up Col des Gourgs Blancs. Navigating through huge boulders, following scattered cairns and scrambling up scree had become second nature. I was cruising through one of the hardest hiking the Pyrenees has to offer. Heading down I could see Lac du Portillon, another reservoir. I took a 45 minute lunch break at Refúge du Portillon and talked with some locals about barefoot ultramarathon training and dream races. The sun was warming up my cheeks. On to Col Inférieur de Litérole!
The climb up was steep and I made one bad choice in circumventing the snowfields by climbing further up some steep scree. Every step I took I triggered a rock slip. I tried heading down as quickly as possible. That was not fun at all. I continued on the edge of the snowfield. The last climb up Litérole was easy enough. Looking down the other side though I understood what everyone had been talking about. Daaaamn that was steep. It didn’t manage to faze me anymore though. The HRP had made me quite confident. I found my way down with a quick glissade into a scree field. What followed was the longest boulder hopping adventure of my life. Pure fun. I headed down the Remuñe valley. That’s where I took my favorite picture of the whole trail. After a long descent I hit the road that would take me to Bernasque. I asked two Spaniards from Barcelona for a ride. With our masks on and disinfected hands we headed down into the valley.

Interlude: Zero in Bernasque - Day 13
Bernasque is a picturesque village in the heart of the Spanish Pyrenees. Its village centre consists of beautiful stone buildings and a wide selection of hotels and restaurants. Two outdoor shops which offer everything you’d desire makes Bernasque a fully featured mountain hub for tourists.
After saying goodbye to my ride I headed to a one star hotel. Mid September is the end of the summer season for most Pyrenees tourism. That was my hotels last day and so they organized another hotel a few minutes away for my second night. I had to buy groceries for the next stretch to Arinsal as my zero was going to be on a Sunday and I wanted to head out early on Monday.
I checked the news for the first time on my trip. Crazy how things can change in such a short time. When I went down to Hendaye the Covid numbers had been consistently low for a few months now. But France and Spain’s numbers were exploding again. Over 10k new infections a day in France alone. I found the French and Spanish much more responsible than the Germans though. Everyone was wearing a mask in public. In Germany people were demonstrating in masses against the Covid measures of the government. Without masks and social distancing…
I had a big dinner and went to sleep. I was looking forward to my zero. No hiking would surely do me good. A day before arriving in Bernasque I started having a bit of pain in my right outer knee as I was going down technical terrain for a prolonged period of time. It was knee pain I hadn’t experienced before, so I had trouble placing the cause. I used the day to stretch myself a bit more and applying KT tape. During the first half of my trip I consistently rolled out my feet and did the Viranasa pose which I think was a big factor for staying mostly pain free.
Besides my knee flaring up I had to take care of my trail runners (Topo Ultraventure). After 200km(125mi) I first looked at my sole and saw that the Vibram lug on the right heel had unglued half way. Now, after 400km(350mi), the lug was only hanging by a rubber thread and the left heel lug was half way unglued as well. At a souvenir shop I found shoe glue and glued the two lugs back onto the sole. The tread in general was already very smooth and two holes were opening up where my big toes meet the balls of my feet. In hindsight I should have just chosen a new pair of trail runners from the huge selection on offer at the two outdoor stores.
The rest of the day consisted of eating, laying in the sun, eating, sleeping, eating, you get the idea…
The last bus of the season headed up the mountain that Sunday. As I wanted to leave at 6:30am the next morning and didn’t want to wait around for a hitch I had to book a 25€ shuttle back to trail.
Chapter 4: Bernasque - Arinsal - Day 14-17
The next morning I arrived back on trail a bit before 7am. Civil sunrise had not arrived yet. I guessed I would have to do a few minutes of night hiking after all. 6km(3.7mi) in, I arrived at the half way point of the HRP.
The day went by smoothly heading over one of the highest cols of the route, Col de Mulleres. The rest of the day had a lot of vert and turquoise lakes in store. Around 4pm though I started to feel my right knee again. The light pain soon turned into severe one. F*CK… I was happy to be hiking again, grooving through the trail, enjoying the views and now this?!
I wasn’t surprised though. Of course there was some issue to rise up when I was doing anything between 4000-6000m(13123-19685ft) of accumulated vert every day.
The pain didn’t subside. Maybe I had applied the KT tape with too much stretch? I removed it. It got minimally better. Could just as well been placebo.
I went up my last climb of the day, very nervous that my knee would end my hike. Half way up I met a German hiker named Andreas. A fit and experienced hiker. He had started the HRP (Cicerone Version) but after a few days switched to the GR11 as he started to feel uncomfortable with the terrain and passes that he had to hike through. I understood him completely. We exchanged a bit of food and camped together. That was the second and last time I would camp with another person. Before sleep I devoted a bit more time than usual to stretching.
The pain was gone in the morning. But all the little niggles I had had on this trip had gone away after a good night’s sleep. I didn’t trust my pain free knee yet.
After half an hour the pain came back in full force.
Panic hit me full force. The pain and my fear of not being able to go on consumed me. And I had no idea what the hell was wrong with my knee.
Going down into Salardu, I called my dad. I vented my frustrations and asked him to look up my symptoms for me as I wasn’t getting an internet connection. He started reading out a diagnosis of what seemed to be the cause of my pain. IT Band issues. I had only heard about it. Alright dad, how do I fix it? I can’t quit now. No way.
He tried to explain to me some google images and a youtube video he was watching. I guess I was being crewed over the phone. After cheering me up a bit I got my usual weather fix. Thanks dad!
In Salardu I sat down in the shade and started to brutally roll out my outer thigh with my trekking pole. I kept that up for five minutes. Afterwards I got up and carefully took some steps.
Magic! The pain had subsided significantly. Okay, let’s see how long this lasts.
I picked up my pace again and did 1000m(3280ft) of vert in a span of two hours over 10km(6,2mi). My knee was doing fine. Not good, but fine. I set up camp beside a lake just before sunset. Not a minute later it started to rain. The first drops hitting my tent in the Pyrenees. After 15 days.
With my new phone-taught skills I kept my knee pain in check so it wasn’t bothering me any longer. Occasionally I had to stop on a long downhill section and do some extra work with my trekking pole though. Day 16 I passed my biggest waterfall on the trail. Quite the sight.
I’m still annoyed with myself for passing on a camp spot that day which would have been in the Top 3. I took a gamble thinking the next lake would have an even better spot. It didn’t. Still beautiful though.
Checking GAIA before sleep, I knew I had to do some negative vert in the morning. Not something I ever look forward to. Especially not with my knee issues in the mix.
I only had one objective for Day 17. Get to Arinsal in time to resupply and call my grandmother in brazil for her birthday.
The day was marked by a lot of vert and constantly thinking about food. Hiker hunger had set in after a week on trail and daydreaming about grocery shopping had become my main pastime.
Around 5pm and some decent views later I got to Arinsal in Andorra.

continued in comments

2021 Outlook

PSG - This Is England 2019 - Part 2: The Ballard Of Rob Holding

PSG 2
So, we’re back! The January transfer window is about to open. Unfortunately, Herrera turned down Athletico Bilbao’s contract offer. Looks like he’s destined to be a left back.
Part 1, in case you missed it.
Following a suggestion from u/reversechinlock I’ll be breaking up the wall of text with some image links and some sub headings. However, I didn’t read that until near the end of January, so… not a lot of in game shots at the start of this.
The “World Team of the Year” is announced. Neymar and Marquinhos are in, with Mbappe on the bench. I only assume that Wilshere’s name was misspelled as “Coutinho” on the ballot papers.
Keylor Navas wins “North American Goalkeeper of the Year”. It’s not like he has any competition. Zac Efron comes 2nd and Kasey Keller is 3rd despite having retired in 2011.
Neymar wins the “Foreign Player of the Year” award in Ligue 1. They don’t announce 2nd and 3rd, so I’ll just assume that Tavernier was the runner up.
It’s January! Pickford, Holding and Stones all stroll into the club. Sorry Marquinhos. You may have just been named in the World Team of the Year, but Rob Holdinho is taking your place.
PSG have the 1, 2, 3 for December Player of the Month. Mbappe wins, Tavernier is 2nd and Wilshere is 3rd. DO YOU SEE THIS SOUTHGATE? PICK MY BOYS.
Mbappe dedicates his award to me. Aww, sweet. I’m still going to end up selling him. This is like getting attached to a puppy who you are sitting for a friend. Stop making me like you. It’s going to make it harder to give you away.
I offer Marquinhos and Thiago Silva to clubs to try and raise some funds. They are both very unhappy about this. I get Silva to speak to Marquinhos and Marquinhos to speak to Silva and they both calm down. I can’t believe that worked.
The £90m I have spent on John Stones is a record transfer fee for an English player. It smashed the previous record of £80m for Harry Maguire. I still can’t believe that Slabhead cost that much.
Idrissa Gueye moves to Juventus for £19.5m. The Juventus fans aren’t happy, since he isn’t a big name. They would have preferred Wilshere.
Scott Dann and Leighton Baines agree to join me for free at the end of their contracts. However, since I can pay a small fee to bring them in immediately I do just that. I want a fully English bench as soon as possible.
Maxim Choupo-Moting moves to Lokomotiv Moscow for £1.5m. This is the first time in his whole career that he has cost a transfer fee. Every other move has been a free.
Next game is Riems in the Coupe de la Ligue. I am on a run of 8 games without conceding a goal. If I keep a clean sheet here I will break the record for consecutive clean sheets. Perfect game to debut a new keeper and 2 new CBs.
Henderson has been named my new Captain. I know he is the right man to lead us to our 9th clean sheet in a row. And he does! Riems are smashed 4-0 with goals from Hendo himself, Neymar, and 2 for MOTM Mason Greenwood. Wilshere picked up another assist. DID YOU HEAR THAT YOU WAISTCOAT WANKER?
Due to concerns over the wage budget the board have decreased the amount of transfer revenue retained to 25%!!! WHAT THE HELL?
Rennes are beaten 2-0 in the Coupe de la Ligue quarter final. Man of the Match Jack Wilshere sets up Tavernier before scoring one himself. WHAT MORE CAN THEY DO GARETH? Also, Pickford saved a penalty after debutant Leighton Baines’ lack of pace led to him hauling down the attacker. That’s another clean sheet and a cup semi final to look forward to!
Gareth Southgate was spotted in the stands for the quarter final. He was watching pretty much my entire squad. Ah, fuck it. May as well…
Side quest unlocked: Get Rob Holding his first ever England cap.
I sell Kimpembe to Man U for £30m. The board put £7.5m of that back into the transfer funds. I can’t help but feel ripped off. At least he’s off the wage bill.
Marseille are brushed aside 2-0 at home with goals from Maddison and Neymar. That’s another clean sheet. Pickford, Holding & Stones are yet to concede a goal for PSG. Thiago who?
Oh, that’s also 20 unbeaten in the league. To be honest if I don’t manage to go the whole season unbeaten I will be very surprised. There is no competition. The UCL is where I’ll be tested.
Herrera has picked up an injury in training. I guess double intensity left back training disagrees with him.
The media have finally realised that I’m only signing Englishmen.
I ask the board to build us a stadium. They say no. I ask them to buy our current stadium, since we don’t own it and are renting. They agree to this after saying, and I quote: “We’re looking to make the club the most reputable in Qatar”. What? The owners may be from Qatar but I’m pretty sure that PSG are still based in Paris, France (not Texas).
Next up is Havre in the 10th round of the French Cup. The Dominos League 2 side manage to do what no team has managed since mid November when they score against me. Fortunately Tavernier (pen), Rob Holding and Jack Wilshere each score to give us a 3-1 win. Wilshere is once again named the MOTM. Bellingham breaks another record, this time for being the youngest ever player in the French Cup.
We beat Marseille in the Coupe de la Ligue semi final 2-0 with goals from Mbappe and Greenwood. Pickford wins the MOTM award after making 9 saves. Shitbag Kehrer has a bad game, getting booked and doing a terrible job of defending as Greenwood just walks away from him to find space before scoring the 2nd.
Following on from a suggestion from u/OverrunInMidfield I try to sign Lee Cattermole. VVV accept the bid, but Cattermole doesn’t want to negotiate a contract!!!
Montpellier put up a brave fight, but eventually lose 1-0. The keeper puts in an inspired performance, but is unable to prevent Daniel Sturridge from finally scoring his first goal for the team in his 13th appearance.
I offer Spurs Neymar in exchange for Harry Kane. They refuse. So Instead I agree to sign Herbie Kane from Liverpool on a free at the end of the season. I’ll just tell everyone he’s Harry.
Following another suggestion, I sign Antonio from West Ham. Looks like Mbappe will be spending some time getting used to the bench.
The transfer window is about to close. Time for some panic buying!
Thomas Munier pulls his knee ligaments in training. I think he’s just trying to make sure I can’t sell him before the window shuts. Nope. He limps his arse across the Channel as Watford sign him for £7.75m.
I agree to sign Ashley Young on a free at the end of the season. I pay 500k to make the transfer immediate. He is comfortable playing on either side at fullback. Hopefully no birds shit in his mouth.
I already have Ben Alnwick, but thanks to u/teasdale94 I am made aware that he has a little brother! I immediately sign Jak Alnwick from Rangers for 45k. He’s 7 years younger than big bro Ben. Maybe I’ll make them fight over who gets to sit on the bench behind Pickford. Keylor Navas and Johnny Rico weep quietly in the background.
I loan Ander Herrera to Wolves. They pay half his wages, and have the option to sign him for £6.25m at the end of the deal. The board had to be convinced to allow that, since for some unknown reason they think he’s worth more. Still, at least now he can play as a makeshift left back!
The day has finally arrived! Just hours before the transfer window shuts, I am able to name an entirely English starting XI for the first time. Ashley Young can’t be named in the squad since he played for Inter earlier in the day before making the move. By the start of next season I will have the bench sorted too. As for now Neymar, Mbappe and Marquinhos are lucky to sit on the bench (made out of English Oak).
Saint-Etienne are completely destroyed 3-0. It takes Antonio just 9 minutes into his debut to score. MOTM James Tavernier bags the other goals, 1 penalty and 1 a back post volley from a deep freekick. Wilshere is subbed off with a knock, but luckily it’s just a bruised shin and he will be fine.
Hold the fucking phone. The current top scorer in the league is no longer a PSG player. Dembele at Lyon has picked up 12 goals. Just behind him are Neymar and Tavernier on 11 each. I’d love for right back Tavernier to win Le Golden Flip-Flop, or whatever they call it in France.

January Transfer Window Round Up

John Stones - £90m (£33m & £57m over 3 years)
Jordan Pickford - £22m
Rob Holding - £21.5m
Scott Dann - £800k
Leighton Baines - £425k
Michael Antonio - £10.25m
Ashley Young - £500k
Baby Bro Alnwick - £45k

OUT

Idrissa Gueye - £19.5m to Juventus
Maxim Choupo-Moting - £1.5m to Lokomotiv Moscow
Kimpembe - £30m to Man U
Thomas Munier - £7.75m to Watford
Ander Herrera – Loaned to Wolves, option to buy for £6.25m
Jude Bellingham – Loaned to Strasbourg to get some regular football

Literally the moment that the transfer window slams shut, my board announce another one year sponsorship deal. This one is also with a European Telecommunications Company and is worth £106m. The company may as well be called Financial Fair Pay-to-win.
The fixtures are piling up. After playing on the Friday night, my next game is in the cup on Monday, before another league game on Wednesday and again on Sunday. The French FA fine teams for not playing enough first teamers in the cup, yet expect them to play 2 games in 3 days. It’s kinda bollocks. Good thing I have Jak Alnwick and Ashley Young to give debuts to in the cup.
I end up rotating the entire starting XI, meaning that on top of debuts for Young and Young Alnwick, I also give a debut to Scott Dann. We win 2-0, with goals for Neymar and another for Daniel Sturridge. Jak Alnwick manages to make 7 saves on his way to a well earned clean sheet.
Toulouse are the next team brushed aside 2-0 following a brace from Mason Greenwood. I rest Tavernier because he was 1 yellow away from a suspension and the next game is 2nd in the table Lyon.
The media make a big deal as to how we are 23 games unbeaten in the league, as if that’s actually a big deal. We are walking the league with my English heroes. The real challenge will be in the Champions League. There we may face some competition.
2nd place Lyon up next. Kehreh is determined to get one over me. He’s a pretty awful defender, considering we managed 33 shots over the course of the game. 3-0 win, with two goals from Mbappe and one for Neymar, assists for Antonio and Greenwood (2). Unfortunately Mbappe pulls his hamstring before he can bag his hat trick.
Lyon again up next. This time in the French Cup quarter final. I have currently gone 37 games in all competitions without defeat. This is the current record. All I have to do is avoid defeat against Lyon and I set a new record. And that we do! Battering Lyon 4-0, with an early goal from Henderson, followed by late goals from substitutes Veratti (2) and Sturridge.
We warm up for Ajax by beating Metz 2-0 at home. Goals from Mason Greenwood and James Tavernier (another penalty) round off a dominating performance. That’s 12 league goals for the season, 2 short of the top spot which is currently Nice’s Kasper Dolberg. On the downside, Henderson picks up a groin strain. Bollocks.
I give Henderson injections so he can play vs Ajax. We scrape through 3-2 away, with 2 goals from Mason Greenwood and one from an unfit Mbappe. The second leg is going to be interesting.
Andy Carroll still won’t negotiate with me. What the hell?! His contract is up in the summer and I want to sign the “rangy” striker. Maybe if I scout him he will feel more loved and will make the swap? Possibly he is concerned he will have to learn French? Little does he know there is more chance of me making the fans learn English.
MOTM Ben Chilwell and Michael Antonio each grab a goal as we walk through Angers 2-0. Wilshere picks up another assist. I give Silva & Marquinhos 45 mins to avoid them killing me in my sleep. Neymar sits on the bench for the full 90 as I chose to bring on Antonio ahead of him to play out of position.
Angel Gomes signed a new contract with Man U. This ruins my plans to sign him on a free at the end of the season. Instead I am re-training Ashley Young to play as a left winger. That was his old position before becoming a full back, so hopefully he won’t take too long.
England’s next 2 fixtures are near the end of next month. Both are friendlies, meaning that I will be able to pull players from the squad. This could be Wilshere’s best chance! And Holding… and Tavernier. YOU HEAR ME SOUTHGATE? PICK MY BOYS OR YOU DON’T GET HENDERSON!
I bring in Newcastle United icon Steve Harper as a goalkeeping coach. I had to pay Newcastle £500k compensation for him! I also add Peter Crouch as a coach to give him his first ever job in coaching. Some will say it’s a risk bringing in an untested coach, but look at his coaching stats!. With a Geordie Legend and a well known giant former striker in my coaching staff, maybe now Andy Carroll will join?
We absolutely destroy Amiens 6-1. Michael Antonio gets 1 whilst Mason Greenwood bags 5!!! His 3rd was a penalty which Tavernier let him take to get Mason his hat trick.
Those 5 goals added to the 3 he already had in February are enough to get Greenwood the Player of the Month award in the league. He is the 3rd PSG player to win it after Neymar and Mbappe, but he is the first Englishman!
Monaco are demolished 5-0 in the semi-final of the French Cup. Greenwood is injured during the game, and super sub Mbappe scores twice. Neymar, Tavernier (penalty) and Maddison are the other scorers. Greenwood’s injury is torn wrist ligaments, so he’s out for 4-5 weeks. Gutting.
This journalist looks like they’ve just come straight from the gym.
How the fuck did I just draw 0-0 with Nantes?! Absolute shite. Without Greenwood I gave Mbappe a start up front and he couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. We defend well but going forward were about as impotent as Pele.
Immediately following that 0-0 the board set the budgets for the next season. I’m not saying that they panicked at the first time we have failed to score, but this is the budget I have to work with. I immediately start bidding on players.
Jadon Sancho is joining in the summer for £97m. Raheem Sterling is joining for £165m. I am finally going to get my team playing God’s own formation: 4-4-fucking-2.
We edge past Ajax 1-0 with a late Icardi goal, meaning we won 4-2 on aggregate. Another sub-par performance from the team. I yell at them all in the dressing room after the game. And it has the desired effect, as a couple of days later we hammer Lille 4-0, with a Mbappe hat trick and 1 goal for Captain Hendo.
I send Neymar and Henderson on holiday for a week since they both need a rest. I hope they go somewhere together. Maybe a nice caravan on the Isle of Wight? I also send Marquinhos on holiday for 4 weeks, since he is starting to get bed sores from sitting on the bench.
GOD DAMN YOU SOUTHGATE. Once again, Wilshere is left out of the squad. So I follow through with my plan. Henderson, Pickford, Chilwell, Stones and Maddison are all pulled from the squad. Screw you Gareth.
Daniel Sturridge has been suspended for the past 3 matches and I don’t know why. I know he was supposed to have a global ban for gambling irregularities, but for whatever reason that didn’t happen and he was able to play for me. Now he is banned though. It says “banned for the next match” and it says that after every game. He has no suspensions listed anywhere. I’ll assume it’s a bug and this is his gambling ban.
The Champions League Quarter Final draw sets up 2 all English encounters. Chelsea will face Tottenham whilst Man City will face PSG. Elsewhere Barcelona face Juventus and Liverpool face RB Leipzig. In the Seme Finals the winner of PSG/Man City will face the winner of Barcelona/Juventus, whilst there is a possibility of an all English semi final, since the winners of Chelsea/Spurs face Liverpool/RB Leipzig.
Brest (snigger) are brushed aside 3-1 with goals from Antonio, Tavernier and Icardi. Maddison picks up a couple of assists. Opposition striker Irvin Cardona picks up the MOTM award for trying his best.
Whoa. Ok. That victory won us the title. It’s March 20th, and 2nd place still have 9 games left to play. Damn, PSG are too easy. It’s the first time I ever tried managing them. This is way easier than that Blackpool save I tried.
Mourinho wants to sign Tavernier. He can fuck right off.
Tammy Abraham agrees to sign for me in the summer for the completely reasonable transfer fee of £60m & Marquinhos. There’s my big man up top. I can partner him with Greenwood and play a classic 4-4-2. This is it lads. We are gonna storm the world.
I start training James Maddison as a CM, since I’m no longer going to be playing an AM as of the start of next season. I also recall Marquinhos from his holiday to start training as a striker, to try and ruin him before he leaves.
I just realised that due to the week’s holiday for Henderson and Neymar, James Tavernier lifted the League trophy when we won it at our last game. Not bad for a goal scoring right back who GARETH SOUTHGATE REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE.
I see that Brighton are slightly interested in signing my CB Abdou Diallo. I immediately offer a straight swap for Dan Burn, because if there’s one thing this team needs it’s a 6’6 left back. The deal is quickly sorted and will go through in the Summer window.
I sign Sammy Lee as my new assistant manager. It costs me £750k to terminate my current guy. Worth every penny.
We kick off the Final of the Coupe de la Ligue BKT with a full English starting XI, and a mostly English bench (just Neymar & Mbappe). Captain Henderson leads the troops to a 3-0 victory, with goals from Greenwood, Neymar & Mbappe. A good way to warm up for Tuesday’s UCL Quarter Final against Man City.
The cup final was my 48th game unbeaten in all competitions this season. I’ve got to make it past Man City and then Dijon to get to the half century.
We draw the first leg 1-1 at home. MOTM John Stones bags his first goal for PSG against his former side! Neither team escapes unscathed though, as Neymar picks up a back muscle injury whilst Aguero injures his hip. Both will miss the 2nd leg.
Southgate was spotted once again at one of my games, watching Tavernier, Holding, Wilshere… and the other players who he will actually pick.
We beat Dijon 3-1 to stretch the unbeaten run to 50 games across all competitions. Goals from Maddison, Mbappe and John Stones (again?!) are enough to bag us the 3 points. Mouninho is once again spotted watching James Tavernier. He claims he isn’t there to watch Tavernier. He’s such a voyeur.
Holy crap. What a second leg! Greenwood put us ahead before Sterling equalised. Maddison picked up a knee injury, forcing me to move Wilshere further forward and putting Verratti on in Maddison’s place. Fernandinho missed a penalty, meaning we went to extra time. Mbappe put us ahead, Foden equalised before Mbappe grabbed the winner in the dying embers of extra time.
Maddison has sprained his knee ligaments. That’s probably his season over. Damn.
I put Mbappe and Neymar on the transfer list. They are not happy. I don’t care.
Ashley Young and Scott Dann are unhappy with my treatment of Neymar. They have been teammates for less than 3 months! Shut up bitching and win me some games! We have a team meeting where I tell them to shut up. We then have another team meeting, this time about Mbappe. FFS lads. It’s almost like you don’t want a hostile take over of Paris by the English.
Nimes are smashed 4-0 with goals from Tavernier (pen), Henderson and a couple for Greenwood. Looks like we will be getting 100 points for the season. We are already on 90 and have 6 games left to play.
I offer Tottenham Neymar, Mbappe, Silva & £1 for Harry Kane… AND THEY TURN IT DOWN. ARE THEY INSANE?!?!?!
MOTM Tavernier scores another penalty whilst Antonio gets the second as Nice are easily beaten 2-0. Nice managed 1 shot all game.
Neymar agrees terms with Chelsea on a £70m move. I will continue paying £245k of his weekly wages. I can’t help but feel violated, but entirely of my own doing. I immediately start training him as a CB, double intensity.
MOTM Mason Greenwood nets a hat trick and Mbappe adds the 4th as Toulouse are absolutely wrecked 4-0 in the French Cup Final.
Next up are Juventus at home in the UCL Semi-Final 1st leg. It’s a pretty even match, but Rob Holding manages to mark Ronaldo out of the game whilst Greenwood grabbed the only goal as we win 1-0.
I play Marquinhos for 90 mins as a striker against Monaco, to further his development as a striker before he moves to Chelsea. He pulls his groin but I keep him on. We win 2-0 with goals from Henderson and a penalty from Neymar. Tavernier was suspended for this game, hence why he didn’t get the chance to score from the spot.
The Champions League Semi Final 2nd leg away to Juventus is batshit crazy. We win 5-4 (6-4 on agg) after going behind in the 1st minute. Goals from Greenwood, Neymar, Angel Gomes and 2 from Mbappe.
The Champions League Final is set to be an all English affair, as Liverpool take on my PSG side in Istanbul. Let’s hope Liverpool don’t have a repeat of 2005.
We beat Bordeaux 2-0, Reims 2-0 and Rennes 2-1 with goals from Greenwood (2), Tavernier (1 open play, 1 penalty), Marquinhos (playing as a striker) & Angel Gomes. We finish the domestic season off with a 0-0 draw against Strasbourg, with on loan Jude Bellingham getting himself sent off!
This means we finish the season unbeaten, with 106 points from a possible 114, scoring 92 goals whilst only conceding 14.
ROB HOLDING GETS CALLED UP TO THE ENGLAND SQUAD AHEAD OF EURO 2020!!! He’s 1 step closer to getting his first ever cap. Mason Greenwood was called up to the preliminary squad, but was dropped by the Waistcoat Wanker for the final squad. I guess his 33 goals across all competitions this season aren’t good enough. It’s a hideously unbalanced England squad, with 3 keepers (literally a rule), 10 defenders (7 CBs, 2 LBs, 1RB), 9 midfielders and just the 1 striker. I guess Alli or Rashford could play up front if Kane gets injured, but not calling up Greenwood is ridiculous. And no Tavernier, despite only having 1RB in the squad. Stupid Southgate.
All that’s left now is the Champions League Final. Mbappe shows how exited he is to play in the biggest game in in club football by pulling his ankle ligaments in the week beforehand, putting him out of the final. Angel Gomes then pulls his groin, meaning that Mbappe’s replacement is also fucked. I’m starting to regret convincing the board to build our new training centre on that ancient Indian burial ground.
Despite the makeshift right hand side (Marquinhos at RB, Tavernier as a right winger) we manage to beat the reigning European Champions 3-2 in Istanbul! 2 goals and an assist from man of the match Mason Greenwood are enough to tell Southgate to go fuck himself. This also means that Greenwood is the top scorer in the UCL this season with 12. But I guess that’s not good enough for Gareth. Icardi gets the other goal. Salah got Liverpool’s 2.
So that’s the Quintuple. Next season I can try for 6, with the Club World Championships added to the mix.
The fan’s player of the season is James Tavernier!
I think that’s a wrap for part 2.
Next up: Part 3 – 4-4-Fcuking-2

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Weekly digital world news recap:

UK conservative opinions on Uk policy ideas (immigration, unions, advertising, electoral reform etc)

I would call myself a libertarian. I am a Marxist in that I use a materialistic interpretation of history and events. I have some ideas that I think would benefit the UK. Some of which are in line with conservative ideas. I would love to know what you guys think or what you think would be a better idea. Please criticize. I hope to have a dialogue about this as much as possible.
Drugs
de criminalise all drugs (much like portugal) treat it as a mental health issue. A lot of people take drugs because of homelessness and poverty so by dealing with those hard drug use will go down. Legalise Cannabis, Mushrooms (and most hallucinegics), LSD, MDMA and Cocaine (https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2009/jun/13/bad-science-cocaine-study). tax them inline with the estimated costs for misuse of them. regulate them like tobacco and alcohol.
Obesity and Food
Ban the sale of energy drinks to children below 16. ban the sale of very sweet confectiionary and drinks to children below 16 (some mexican states have done it recently), This includes in schools. tax very fatty, sugary or nutritionly rare foods in line with what the estimated costs are for the NHS to deal with the health problems caused by them (much the same way we do with alcohol, tobacco and in my tax system other drugs). Possibly make it mandatory to fortify very cheap foods with minerals and vitamins so the impoverished can get more nutrients. although the body doesnt absorb these very well so it might be pointless.
Make it illegal for a company/business to throw away food stuff and make them donate it to foodbanks/food charities.
Advertising/product placement/Games/Gambling
Ban all adverts to children in any way. Ban alcohol ads, vaping ads, gambling ads, payday loan ads, ads for big SUV/highly polluting vehicles. Ban product placement, ban TV shows for kids that have toys explicitly linked to them. Ban Loot box system in games. Make fixed odds betting machines have lower returns. Either tax very highly online gambling sites (spin wheel style), forced break periods or make it a state monolopy. Gambling is effectively a license to print money. why shouldn't the state take the proceeds from what is a worthless noncontributing part of the economy. All ads that have photoshopped used need to a sign saying they've been photoshopped and very thin models have to have a medical certificate that they are healthy (like france).
NHS
repeal the Blair laws making the NHS act more a competitive business which have proved to ineffective. Make the English NHS system more in line with the Scottish system.
Tax or in some make people who do more dangerous activities pay a small amount extra for the increased likelihood of needing the services of the NHS like motorcyclists, horse riders, extreme sportspeople.
Free speech
repeal a lot of the Blair era censorship legislation. repeal with 2014 porn ban.
prostitution
legalize brothels. but make prostitution licensed to stop sex trafficking. Mandate the wearing of a condom. Possibly make it that you can only be a prostitute if you hold a british passport to stop sex trafficking from abroad.
Trade Unions
repeal the anti-trade union legislation.
Electoral reform
I think a system like Single Transferrable Vote would be better than FPTP. I think that registered political parties should somehow get some minimum funding from the state to facilitate a healthy and varied democracy. Remove the hereditary peerages from the house of lords.
availability of credit
I don't think payment plans for normal consumer goods should be available. I think it should be harder to get a pay day loan than it currently is.
Fines
I think that fines for speeding, other fine-able offenses should be means tested and shouldn't have a cap.
Copyright
I think that Copyright should expire for everything after 50 years. So at the this point everything from before 1969 should be in the public domain. I think any British citizen creator who leaves the UK to not pay income tax should have the copyright for their work removed in the UK when they do leave.
Welfare
Introduce Universal basic income in the UK. replace all the means tested and tedious bureaucracy associated with current system. I think it should start from 18 years old and increase slightly each year. Maybe start at 5,000 pounds and by your thirties move up to 10,000 pounds by the time you want to start having kids etc. I think UBI would make work always pay more than being on benefits. It would disincentive benefits fraud as well as people having children to acquire more benefits.
Tax
I do believe in a progressive taxation system. I think the tax free threshold should be raised. I think the brackets for taxation are good at the moment but I would add higher tax thresholds at higher rates e.g. 50% at 200,000, 60% at 500,000. I am unsure what the upper limit should be for tax rate or income. The rich will leave anyway (Jim ratcliffe most recenty) no matter what the tax rate is. If they ever wants to come into the UK they should have to pay to do so. If they have a knighthood it should be taken away.
Immigration.
remove all EU citizens not in critical under supplied or high paying jobs from the UK as well migratory workers from outside the EU. Syrian Civil war refugees should go back as well. basically as many people as possible should be made to go back to their country of origin without directly endangering their lives. I think the pay threshold for workers to legally migrate here should be much higher probably 40,000 pounds a year. there should be not net migration to the UK each year.
children and population growth
I think the UK should aim for net 0% population growth. I think couples who want to have kids should be made to screen for any hereditary recessive genetic diseases before they plan to have a child so they can know if they're kid is going to be disabled. Possibly people should have to have in the womb embryo testing as well to see if theyre child has any genetic diseases. legalise child euthanasia (like belgium and the netherlands https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groningen_Protocol). I think people should be discouraged from having lots of children especially those without the means to provide for them. however if people do decide to have kids I think the provision for parenting should be a lot. 2+ years of paid maternity leave. free parenting lessons, support as much as possible the needs of the child and mother in the critical early bonding years. Ban all Child beauty pageants including trans ones (like france has done). I don't think childen can legally consent to hormone replacement drugs. I think the age of criminal responsibility should be raised should be raised to about 14. I think there are arguments to lower the age of consent in the UK to 15.
the environment
Library of things/Repair cafes in towns and cities to be able to more easily repairs good or not have to buy in the first place.
Government subsidy scheme to better insulate homes across country.
More extensive use of nuclear fission energy for electric generation.
Large scale food waste reclamation for Compost or animal feed.
Subsidy for Ground source heat pumps for poor households
Subsidy for Thermal exchangers in home for poor households
Make planned obselescene illegal. Make right to repair legally mandated.
simplify the amount and types of plastic products to make it easier to recycle goods. Ban non recyclable plastics from being used in single use items.
Make products label their expected lifetime (from average use) so consumer knows what a good long lasting product is. For large electric goods perhaps put a minimum expected lifespan for it to be sold in the UK.
I think you could legislate to make products illegal from rainforests or unsustainable harvested forest.
Tax loopholes
make all gift-aid illegal, make art donations as tax write off illegal, donations to think tanks,charities illegal as tax write-offs,
currently if you live outside the UK for more than 6 months you don't pay any income tax. I think the amount of income tax you pay should be proportionate for how long you spend in country with a bare minimum of 20% (estimate).
Make shell companies illegal so large multinationals can't escape to tax havens and not pay corporations tax. If they don't ban them from trading in the UK. This may need to be done in a coalition of states working together.
education
repeal Blair era education legislation that created needless hoops and paper work for teachers. repeal new laws that teachers can you sources from anti-capitalist, anti-democratic sources etc. repeal the Gove/Cameron legislation that made schools behave like businesses. The point of school is for the kds to work hard and earn qualifications not the teacher. It is an inherently discriminatory system. allow at GCSE much more education in technical qualifications. e.g. bricklaying, carpentry, electricians etc, machine work. I don't think they need to start at 16 or above. I think theres an argument that children should be able to leave school at 16. Some of the courses they do are pointless. Apprenticeship pay is so low that in the short term it makes more sense to get a minimum wage job. Atleast make apprenticeship pay in line with minimum wage to incentivise it rather than literally force kids to be extremely cheap labour.
self defense
I think it should be legal to carry around pepper spray, mace or stun gun. The criminals already have weapons. Why not decriminalise the ability for an individual to defend themselves especially women. Free female self defence classes.
BBC
release all BBC created media onto the Iplayer. The British Tax payer paid for it. Why shouldn't they be able to access it. Perhaps make a BBC iplayer app to host it all for foreigners to use and pay for like Netflix.
International business
Make corporations who sell goods in the UK prove that they don't come from slave/child labour. If they don't then they can't sell that product in the UK.
VAT
remove VAT for resold,recycled products, upcycled products, products that are good the planet (re-chargeable batteries, battery chargers). effectively rebrand VAT as a carbon tax. completely remove VAT on sanitary products, all energy efficiency/saving products.
Voting
like Australia make it mandatory to go to the polling booth.
University
make universities offer their humanities subjects as online only option so that people can do their degree from anywhere and not necessarily in the expensive university town. the course would be cheaper. Make foreign students pay for their healthcare when they are here.
Tourism
make foreigners pay to get into British Museums especially the big ones in london. I realise this may be cost prohibitive for smaller Museums.
Housing
change the rental legislation that tenants can legally not pay full rent if a landlord hasn't done repairs to the standard of the property when the renter moved in.
No foreigner can own more than 2 homes in the UK (in thailand you can't own any property unless you're thai)
Cap the number of a properties anyone can own. especially for buy to let landlords.
If a house has sat vacant for too long it has to be put on the market as a competitive price.
houses cannot be treated as an investment where it doesn't matter if its occupied or not. a roof over ones head is a right.
Homelessness
expand the access to homeless shelters. the best way to stop human and sex trafficking as well hard drug use to is stop homelessness.
migratory farm workers
ban migratory farm workers in the UK. there are thousands of Uni, GCSE, college and A level students who have months off school in the picking season. Why not get them to pick fruit and vegetables? same thing goes for homeless people. Get them all to pick fruit and veg.
littering & dog tax
small tax on having a dog to pay for dog park maintenance, dog bins, etc. small tax on single use packaging to pay for more Bins on high street, bins to be emptied more regularly to reduce littering. Same small tax on tobacco for cigarette butt bins.
These are all my ideas. Please critique them.

UK LibDem opinons on UK policy ideas (immigration, unions, advertising, electoral reform etc)

I'm not sure if this is allowed here. I would call myself an environmental libertarian-ish. I was a member of the Lib dems from 2012-2013. I am a Marxist in that I use a materialistic interpretation of history and events. I have some ideas that I think would benefit the UK. Some of which are in line with Lib Dem ideas. I would love to know what you guys think or what you think would be a better idea. Please criticize. I hope to have a dialogue about this as much as possible.
Drugs
Decriminalise all drugs (much like portugal) treat it as a mental health issue. A lot of people take drugs because of homelessness and poverty so by dealing with those hard drug use will go down. Legalise Cannabis, Mushrooms (and most hallucinegics), LSD, MDMA, Steroids and Cocaine (https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2009/jun/13/bad-science-cocaine-study). Tax them inline with the estimated costs for misuse of them. Regulate them like tobacco and alcohol.
Obesity and Food
Ban the sale of energy drinks to children below 16. Ban the sale of very sweet confectionery and drinks to children below 16 (some Mexican states have done it recently), This includes in schools. Tax very fatty, sugary or nutritionally rare foods in line with what the estimated costs are for the NHS to deal with the health problems caused by them (much the same way we do with alcohol, tobacco and in my tax system other drugs). Possibly Ban the use of High Fructose Corn Syrup and Margarine in UK foods. Possibly make it mandatory to fortify very cheap foods with minerals and vitamins so the impoverished can get more nutrients. although the body doesn't absorb these very well so it might be pointless. Ban the Injection of water in meat to make it look bigger.
Plain Packaging and warning labels on Junk food like cigarettes. make the nutritional information for actual representative portions. If companies shrinkflate a product then they have to put it on the packaging of the product that they have done so. Ban the sale of Alcohol and Tobacco to pregnant women (not sure how you enforce this).
Make it illegal for a company/business to throw away food stuff and make them donate it to foodbanks/food charities (Like France)
Advertising/product placement/
Ban all adverts to children in any way. I think you could also make toys/mannequins sold in the UK have realistic proportions for both boys and girls. Ban junk food ads, alcohol ads, vaping ads, gambling ads, payday loan ads, ads for big SUV/highly polluting vehicles. Ban the sponsorship of events by any of these things either. Ban product placement, ban TV shows for kids that have toys explicitly linked to them. All ads that have photo shopped used need to a sign saying they've been photo shopped and very thin models have to have a medical certificate that they are healthy (like France).
Gambling/Games
Ban or reclassify Loot box systems in games. Make fixed odds betting machines have lower returns. Either tax very highly online gambling sites (spin wheel style), forced break periods or make it a state monolopy. Gambling is effectively a license to print money. Why shouldn't the state take the proceeds from what is a worthless noncontributing part of the economy. Either make the lottery state run and recieve all the profits for public work or ban it and replace it with a government bond deposit scheme like premium bonds but a lower threshold to enter.
NHS
repeal the Blair laws making the NHS act more a competitive business which have proved to ineffective. Make the English NHS system more in line with the Scottish system.
Tax or in some make people who do more dangerous activities pay a small amount extra for the increased likelihood of needing the services of the NHS like motorcyclists, horse riders, extreme sportspeople.
Ban the ever greening of drugs so they can be made cheaply and generically. If a pharma company has received funding to develop a drug then it must be sold at cost (or much lower profit). Somehow democratise the access to science and medical journals e.g. higher tax, made to be free if research was publicly funded, government run science journal).
Free speech
Repeal a lot of the Blair era censorship legislation. repeal with 2014 porn ban.
prostitution
Legalize brothels. but make prostitution licensed to stop sex trafficking. Mandate the wearing of a condom. Possibly make it that you can only be a prostitute if you hold a british passport to stop sex trafficking from abroad.
Trade Unions
repeal the anti-trade union legislation.
Electoral reform
I think a system like Single Transferrable Vote would be better than FPTP. I think that registered political parties should somehow get some minimum funding from the state to facilitate a healthy and varied democracy. Remove the hereditary peerages from the house of lords.
availability of credit
I don't think payment plans for normal consumer goods should be available. I think it should be harder to get a pay day loan than it currently is.
Fines
I think that fines for speeding, other fine-able offenses should be means tested and shouldn't have a cap.
Copyright
I think that Copyright should expire for everything after 50 years. So at the this point everything from before 1969 should be in the public domain. I think any British citizen creator who leaves the UK to not pay income tax should have the copyright for their work removed in the UK when they do leave.
Welfare
Introduce Universal basic income in the UK. Replace all the means tested and tedious bureaucracy associated with current system. I think it should start from 18 years old and increase slightly each year. Maybe start at 5,000 pounds and by your thirties move up to 10,000 pounds by the time you want to start having kids etc. I think UBI would make work always pay more than being on benefits. It would disincentive benefits fraud as well as people having children to acquire more benefits.
Tax
I do believe in a progressive taxation system. I think the tax free threshold should be raised. I think the brackets for taxation are good at the moment but I would add higher tax thresholds at higher rates e.g. 50% at 200,000, 60% at 500,000. I am unsure what the upper limit should be for tax rate or income. The rich will leave anyway (Jim ratcliffe most recenty) no matter what the tax rate is. If they ever wants to come into the UK they should have to pay to do so. If they have a knighthood it should be taken away.
Immigration.
Remove all EU citizens not in critical under supplied or high paying jobs from the UK as well migratory workers from outside the EU. Syrian Civil war refugees should go back as well, The war is over now. basically as many people as possible should be made to go back to their country of origin without directly endangering their lives. I think the pay threshold for workers to legally migrate here should be much higher probably 40,000 pounds a year. There should ideally be no net migration to the UK each year.
children and population growth
I think the UK should aim for net 0% population growth. I think couples who want to have kids should be made to screen for any hereditary recessive genetic diseases before they plan to have a child so they can know if they're kid is going to be disabled/Birthing complications. Possibly if a couple is high risk of a genetic diseased child people should have to have in the womb embryo testing as well to see if theyre child has any genetic diseases. I think people should be discouraged from having lots of children especially those without the means to provide for them. However if people do decide to have kids I think the provision for parenting should be a lot. 2+ years of paid maternity leave. Free parenting lessons, support as much as possible the needs of the child and mother in the critical early bonding years.
Ban all Child beauty pageants including trans ones (like France has done). I don't think children can legally consent to hormone replacement drugs. Ban Gay conversion therapy. I think the age of criminal responsibility should be raised should be raised to about 14. I think there are arguments to lower the age of consent in the UK to 15.
Euthanasia
Legalise child euthanasia (like belgium and the netherlands https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groningen_Protocol). Legalise normal euthanasia for people of any age as well.
the environment
Library of things/Repair cafes in towns and cities to be able to more easily repairs good or not have to buy in the first place.
Ban or curtail the sale of bottled war. Install more water fountains and public bathrooms instead.
Government subsidy scheme to better insulate homes across country.
More extensive use of nuclear fission energy for electric generation.
Large scale food waste reclamation for Compost or animal feed.
Subsidy for Ground source heat pumps for poor households
Subsidy for Thermal exchangers in home for poor households
Make planned obselescene illegal. Make right to repair legally mandated.
simplify the amount and types of plastic products to make it easier to recycle goods. Ban non recyclable plastics from being used in single use items.
Ban paper junk mail and possibly free newspapers.
Make products label their expected lifetime (from average use) so consumer knows what a good long lasting product is. For large electric goods perhaps put a minimum expected lifespan for it to be sold in the UK.
I think you could legislate to make products illegal from rainforests or unsustainable harvested forest (palm oil specifically)
Tax loopholes
Make all gift-aid illegal, make art donations as tax write off illegal, donations to think tanks,charities illegal as tax write-offs,
Currently if you live outside the UK for more than 6 months you don't pay any income tax. I think the amount of income tax you pay should be proportionate for how long you spend in country with a bare minimum of 20% (estimate).
Make shell companies illegal so large multinationals can't escape to tax havens and not pay corporations tax. If they don't ban them from trading in the UK. This may need to be done in a coalition of states working together.
education
Repeal Blair era education legislation that created needless hoops and paper work for teachers. Repeal new laws that teachers can you sources from anti-capitalist, anti-democratic sources etc. Repeal the Gove/Cameron legislation that made schools behave like businesses. The point of school is for the kids to work hard and earn qualifications not the teacher. It is an inherently discriminatory system. allow at GCSE much more education in technical qualifications. e.g. bricklaying, carpentry, electricians, machine work, DJing etc . I don't think they need to start doing it at 16 or above. I think there's an argument that children should be able to leave school at 16. Some of the courses they do are pointless. Apprenticeship pay is so low that in the short term it makes more sense to get a minimum wage job. Atleast make apprenticeship pay in line with minimum wage to incentivise it rather than literally force kids to be extremely cheap labour like now.
self defense
I think it should be legal to carry around pepper spray, mace or stun gun especially for women. The criminals already have weapons. Why not decriminalise the ability for an individual to defend themselves especially women. Free female self defence classes.
BBC
Release all BBC created media onto the Iplayer. The British Tax payer paid for it. Why shouldn't they be able to access it. Perhaps make a BBC iplayer app to host it all for foreigners to use and pay for like Netflix.
business
Make corporations who sell goods in the UK prove that they don't come from slave/child labour. If they don't then they can't sell that product in the UK. Ban or reclassify Multi Level Marketting companies as Ponzi Schemes. Label Scientology as a cult (like Germany has). Regulate detox tea and supplements like any other medicine/pharmaceutical. One day a year allow any to search for a named person and see what their salary is (Norway does this). Get rid of 1 and 2 penny, they cost too much to make for what they are.
Government
Ban former MPs from ever holding any business position once they retire. Make them divest all their business interests before being an MP. Make their spouses and children's company's to never receive state money or have a job in a state enterprise. Same goes for Generals/Civil Servants. Spread of Government facilities from London to other cities e.g. does any every ministry need to be in London? Pay HMRC accountants/auditors much more than they a company would so they tell the government the loopholes companies use to not pay tax. Make it Financially rewarding to be ethical.
VAT
Remove VAT for resold,recycled products, upcycled products, products that are good the planet (re-chargeable batteries, battery chargers). Effectively re brand VAT as a carbon tax. Completely remove VAT on sanitary products, all energy efficiency/saving products.
University
make universities offer their humanities subjects as an online only option as well as in person so that people can do their degree from anywhere and not necessarily in the expensive university town. The course would be cheaper. Make foreign students pay for their healthcare when they are here. Give less money to unis with more beneficiary (e.g. red brick unis). They already have so many endowments they don't need as much from the state. Foreign students can't work at all while studying here.
Housing
Change the rental legislation that tenants can legally not pay full rent if a landlord hasn't done repairs to the standard of the property when the renter moved in.
No foreigner can own more than 2 homes in the UK (in Thailand you can't own any property unless you're Thai)
Cap the number of a properties anyone can own. especially for buy to let landlords.
If a house has sat vacant for too long it has to be put on the market as a competitive price.
Rent control for a property inline with inflation for renters.
Houses cannot be treated as an investment where it doesn't matter if its occupied or not. A roof over ones head is a right.
Homelessness
Expand the access to homeless shelters. The best way to stop human and sex trafficking as well hard drug use to is stop homelessness.
migratory farm workers
Ban migratory farm workers in the UK. There are thousands of underemployed Uni, GCSE, college and A level students who have months off school in the picking season. Why not pay them to pick fruit and vegetables? Same thing goes for homeless people. Get them all to pick fruit and veg.
littering & dog tax
Small tax on having a dog to pay for dog park maintenance, dog bins, etc. Small tax on single use packaging to pay for more Bins on high street, bins to be emptied more regularly to reduce littering. Same small tax on tobacco for cigarette butt bins.
Misc
Legalise Polygamy.
These are all my ideas. Please critique them.

Global Feminine Hygiene Products Market Report (2021-27) - Pheonix Research

In-Depth Review: Dell Inspiron 14 5405 with 4700U (With pictures!) AMA as well!

Hello guys!

UPDATE ON BATTERY LIFE AND EXTRA THOUGHTS HERE:
https://www.reddit.com/AMDLaptops/comments/i6sili/update_dell_inspiron_14_5405_battery_life_and/

TL;DR: Excellent design, solid quality and premium feel, good keyboard but an acquired taste, windows precision touchpad, bright and comfortable matte screen, solid performance, easy upgradability and serviceability. An almost perfect laptop sabotaged by Dell’s nonsensical decision to put a ridiculously small battery in there. (Will run another battery benchmark to confirm).

Intro:
I’ve just received my Dell Inspiron 14 5405 today. I haven’t seen any reviews online about this machine (apart from a single, very surface-level, Japanese review), so I’ve taken it upon myself to review this laptop as best as I can for you all. I hope this can shed some light on what turns out to be a very obscure laptop. Beyond the review itself, AMA if you want any further information. I’m far from the most active redditor myself, but I’d love to help people who are interested by this device.

What a gorgeous design!

Shipping:
It was ordered on the 26th of July, was shipped a couple of days later. It arrived today, the 7th of August, in the early portion of their estimated delivery range, so that’s a good start. I live in France and the laptop was shipped from Taiwan, so props to them, the timing wasn’t too bad given the human malware we’re stuck with.

Availability:
By the way, it looks like I’ve been lucky and managed to snag one of them before they disappeared from the online store a few days later. Everything seems to point towards AMD Renoir APU shortages as the cause for this. I’ve seen another poster comment that the HP Envy 360 disappeared to, so most manufacturers seem to be affected by this. No, the laptops aren’t being discontinued, because I’ve seen a single configuration of the Inspiron 14 5405 go back onto the shelves of the Dell online store.

Specs:
CPU Ryzen 7 4700U
GPU Radeon Vega 7
RAM 1 x 8Gb Samsung 3200MHz 22-22-22-52-74 DDR4 SODIMM at 1.2V; upgraded to 2 x 8Gb with identical speed and timings
Display No way to confirm this as I don’t own a colour calibrator like the Spyder 5, but pretty damn sure it’s the 72% NTSC (so 100% sRGB), 300 nit panel
1920 x 1080 60 Hz IPS matte display
Storage 512Gb SK Hynix NVMe PCIe SSD; 2230 (22*30mm) format
Networking Qualcomm QCA61x4A :

Supports up to 802.11ac in 2x2
Supports up to 867 Mbps
Supports both 2,4GHz and 5GHz

Ports

2 x USB 3.2 Gen 1 Type A
1 x USB 3.2 Gen 1 Type C (USB C with power and displayport capability)
1 x Headphone/Mic port
1 x HDMI 1.4b port
1 x microSD port
1 x DC input

Battery 40Wh battery
Price 801,55 € (including office 365 and 14% student discount for orders over 899 €)

Case:
When the box came in, I have to admit I was shocked by how tiny it was. I was used to my father bringing home big rectangular Dell boxes when he got a new work laptop, even for 13-inch models. This time, the box was square and barely bigger than the laptop itself.
Now this is down to personal preference, but I absolutely love the design of the Inspiron 14 5405, visually. It’s a fully matte silver finish that is uniform across the entire laptop. Dell advertises that the screen back panel and top cover (keyboard + palm rest) are aluminium. I can’t tell if the rest of the laptop (the bottom panel) is a magnesium alloy or plastic, but it’s impossible to tell it’s made from a different material without touching it. Only the screen bezel is made of a matte white plastic, and it isn’t distracting at all.
The laptop is extremely light at 1,35kg. For context, my 2017 15-inch Macbook Pro weighs 1,8kg. The included 45W power brick measures approximately 2,75m long, and weighs in at around 275g.
Unlike the Inspiron 15 5505 (the Renoir-equipped 15-inch big brother), the 14 5405 doesn’t suffer from any kind of flex at all. The 5505’s biggest issue was a significant amount of keyboard deck flex where you could easily depress the centre of the laptop by a good centimetre. This isn’t the case here: the chassis resists very well to pressure, well beyond what a normal typing experience would be. I’ll go into details in the upgradability section, but this rigidity in the keyboard region is due to a push pin mechanism at the centre which locks the upper plate (keyboard + trackpad side) to the back panel.
The keyboard suffers no flex at all when applying some torsion. The screen doesn’t flex either when applying torsion too. The screen panel is very rigid, meaning that you can easily open it from one side without twisting the screen. Mind you that doesn’t mean it’s indestructible – rigid also means that it snaps more unpredictably too, so don’t play around with it. 😊
I unfortunately have extremely sweaty hands, and the blazing heat here in France (up to 38 degrees today) doesn’t help. Nonetheless, in the few hours I’ve been using this laptop, I can report that it doesn’t seem particularly prone to picking up fingerprint, neither on the trackpad, case or keyboard.
The laptop does sometimes creak a tiny bit when opening or closing the lid or when carrying it one handed by a corner, so the weight dangles off on one side, with no visible flex. It’s not a unibody design so this is to be expected. The fan (I think?) clicks a bit when moving the laptop around, but that might be my fault for tinkering with the internals, I might have left something a bit loose. Future owners can let me know if they experience this too.

Rigid hinge gives a premium feel

Keyboard:
Firstly, props to Dell for being the only manufacturer apart from Apple to offer customisable keyboards on consumer devices. I’m French but HATE the French AZERTY layout, as I’ve lived abroad forever, and grew up with the QWERTY layout. Dell, Apple, Lenovo Thinkpads as well as third-party laptop companies like Schenker are thus my only options for new laptops with US layout keyboards.
The keyboard is going to be a divisive issue, I think. Coming from a MacBook Pro 15 with the infamous “butterfly” keyboard, the 5405 is a pleasure to type with. I can see a night and day difference in typing, where my mistype rate is pretty much zero. I have no issues typing the letters that I want, and no issue knowing when I actuated the key itself. I’ll explain why the keyboard feels so good down below.
The layout for the QWERTY US is fairly standard, although it does suffer from the small arrow key problem at the bottom right. Coming from a MacBook Pro 15 where only the Up/Down keys are half height, I didn’t expect two more out of the 4 arrow keys being half height to be an issue. Turns out that when typing, you use the sideways arrow keys a lot more than the Up/Down arrow keys to correct mistakes. Pretty much every time I wanted to hit a sideways arrow key, I’ve clicked PageUp or PageDown instead. Not the end of the world, as I feel I’ll get used to it eventually. The keys are comfortably spaced from each other, meaning mistypes are rare. Moreover, the gap between the keys and keyboard cover, while not tiny,is small enough that I don’t see too much dust or crumbs (wash your hands, you dirty, dirty people…) getting through.
To the keys themselves. They have the distinct “mushy” keys that Dell laptops have had forever, and that I loved since my i7 4712HQ XPS 15. 2020 XPS 15s have a different keyboard so don’t use them as an irl comparison, a lot has changed since then. I mean “mushy” here in the best possible way, although it’s going to be down to personal preference. The keys have a decent initial resistance, so you know when you actuate a key, but it feels “spongy” when it happens, as you can clearly feel it’s a rubber dome mechanism rather than a “sharper” more “clicky” mechanical system. The travel is long enough to be comfortable ( I don’t feel I have to hold my fingers back like on the MacBook Pro) but short enough to bottom out firmly against the core of the laptop. Therefore, I have two layers of response when I press a key:

The initial “mushy” actuation resistance
The firm bottoming out of the key against the core of the laptop

This makes for a comfortable yet accurate typing experience. Moreover, the “mushy” rubber dome mechanism makes this an extremely quiet keyboard to type on. Typing on the MacBook Pro in class was hell on earth and felt like I was bringing a typing machine. Here, the keys are barely audible. There is also little to no flex in the frame itself when typing thanks to the push pin I mentioned earlier which prevents the keyboard from sinking at all. Bottoming out the key feels like you’re hitting a strong metal plate you’d find in much more expensive laptops.
The keyboard backlight is… well… utilitarian. By that I mean that it’ll do more harm than good during daylight, as a white backlight on silver keys means you can barely see what you’re typing. Turning the backlight off in daylight yields a much better contrast. Don’t get me wrong, the backlighting is decent with clearly readable keys in full darkness and minimal light leakage. This keyboard just reminds us all that backlights weren’t a fashion accessory at first, and were used to, well, type in the dark. And it does just that. Saves battery life to turn it off during the day too.
I do have to note, halfway through typing this long ass review, that the backspace key is starting to click with an uncomfortable metallic scraping sound. Poor quality control or something got underneath it, but it’s important to note nonetheless, as none of the other “long” keys which require stabilisers produce the same noise.

Readable by night, I've seen worse leakage

Touchpad:
Coming from a MacBook Pro, my standards for touchpads were extremely high. My last experience with Windows touchpads was pretty bad and uncomfortable. I had gotten used to the gloriously huge glass-topped Apple touchpads and swore never to come back. I was nervous when I saw the 5405 had no glass top but was instead polished plastic (I think?). Thankfully the touchpad is very accurate and smooth. Scrolling through webpages is mostly accurate and controlled. I did have issued with my fingers not gliding properly sometimes since the touchpad isn’t perfectly smooth, but that might also have to do with my sweaty hands. I actually prefer the plastic touchpad: the slight ruggedness gives more grip and feedback, but I feel like it won’t survive stains and finger grease better than glass. Overall, the rumours of how good Windows Precision drivers are true. Don’t get me wrong, a MacBook Pro touchpad is clearly better and leagues ahead in usability (Macs are imo the only true one-handed laptops), but Windows touchpads have gotten so good that I’m satisfied enough to forget about comparing.
This touchpad has no dedicated keys for left and right clicks, but has zones in the touchpad which correspond to a left click or right click. These are not marked on the touchpad itself to preserve the seamless look. The clicks are firm and shallow, and very comfortable to use, although they require a bit more force than I’d like to actuate. The further up you go on the touchpad, the harder it is to click: the last top quarter of the touchpad is “unclickable” because of this. But this is expected as the clicking system is mechanical and hinged on the top of the touchpad, this is no Apple touchpad with haptic feedback where the whole touchpad is equally clickable. The clicks are quite loud however, without feeling cheap though. I have to report that non mechanical clicks (touching the touchpad instead of clicking it) have taken some time to get used to. They’re not bad or unreliable per se, but definitely several steps down from Apple. This touchpad is more reliable as a “clicker” than a “toucher”.

Webcam:
Both above and under average for the price. I’ll elaborate. The image is unfortunately very grainy, but not to the point it would be unusable. I’d say it’s fine for those who nearly never videoconference/skype, (i.e. the kind of people for whom the coronavirus outbreak was their first intensive use of webcams) as it’s nice to have one in the first place (looking at you, Redmibook 16). The colours, however, are surprising. If I manage to understand how to insert pictures in text in a reddit post, you’ll see that my pillows pop out nicely against the black couch in my demo pic.
The above average colour reproduction compensates the under average detail by making the image as a whole “comfortable” and lively. If you do any kind of serious videoconferencing or skype regularly – just use your phone or get a dedicated webcam – this one isn’t worth it.

Decent colours, grainy image

Maintenance and upgradability:
The laptop is very easy to service, since the whole motherboard faces the correct way when you remove the bottom panel. The bottom panel can be removed by unscrewing 7 Philips head screws about 1,5mm to 2mm in diameter. Both screw sizes worked. Do not be alarmed in the 2 screws closest to the hinges refuse to come out completely: they are retained screws. They will stick to the bottom panel even when they have completely left their threads in the rest of the laptop.

Nice, at least I'll have 2 of my 7 screws...

Once you’re done with the screws, use a credit card or other flat, rigid tool to gently unclip the bottom panel from the rest of the case. Go around the entire length of the sides of the laptop to fully unclip it.
Now the fun part, which is no problem at all once you know about it. I had removed all the screws and the bottom panel still wouldn’t come off. I could rotate it but not yank it off. I pulled a bit harder and the whole bottom panel came off. Remember the push pin that stabilises the keyboard area? Well it’s fixed to the bottom panel, which explains why you can’t remove it gently even after removing all screws. Don’t worry though, once you know to expect it, it requires nearly no force to unclip the push pin and remove the panel completely.

The push pin clip the pin locks into
Clever, Dell, hats off to you!
Once you remove the bottom panel, you’ll be greeted with the internals. The battery is screwed into place and (as far as I could tell) not glued. So easy replacements to be expected.

The holy grail of hardware access: one panel gives access to everything!

The preinstalled NVMe M.2 SSD is in 2230 format (so “short” M.2), but the structure (SSD support bracket and screw threads) is there to install a 2280 format M.2 SSD in its place should you wish. This is confirmed by the fact that Dell’s configuration list shows that up to 2TB SSDs in 2280 size are available for the 5405 in some regions. Now whether you can use the screws for the 2230 SSD to screw in a 2280 SSD instead is another thing entirely, but these screws are pretty standard so I wouldn’t worry.

2230 SSD with space for 2280

There is also a second M.2 slot that is empty in my configuration, with again structures (SSD support and threads) for both 2230 and 2280 mountings. No screws are included however, but I again expect that standard screws (as those included with desktop motherboards featuring M.2 slots) will work just fine. The real question is whether that second M.2 slot is even electrically active: I had no spare M.2 SSD to test it out and didn’t think about simply switching the default SSD at the time. Might do it later, but you’ll see why I probably won’t open up my laptop again later.

The second M.2 slot, right of the battery, under the speaker it seems.

The Qualcomm QCA61x4A card uses another M.2 slot with an A/E key for networking. It is also available for user upgrade. If you want to upgrade later, or if the WIFI 6 configuration with the Intel AX200 WIFI chip wasn’t available at all (that was the case in France) then you can upgrade it later. Just remember that most laptop manufacturers use a whitelist system, where only hardware the use themselves will actually be recognised even if it fits and works. For future reference, the supported networking chips are, as per the Dell manual:

Qualcomm QCA93777 (WIFI 5/ac up to 433 Mbps)
Qualcomm QCA61x4A (WIFI 5/ac up to 867 Mbps)
Intel WIFI 6 AX200 (WIFI 6/ax up to 2400 Mbps)

A decent 802.11ac module, wish there was Wifi 6 by default

The RAM is thankfully user upgradable, which is pretty much a necessity since Dell, as far as I’ve seen, only offers the 5405 with RAM in single channel. This cripples CPU performance of the 4700U and destroys GPU performance especially since the integrated Vega 7 has no dedicated VRAM and relies on system RAM for memory.

Upgradable RAM in a thin and light - nice to see

I had bought some Corsair Vengeance 3000MHz memory (2 x 8Gb) with tight timings (16-18-18) to replace the stock RAM which while fast, had very loose timings (3200MHz at 22-22-22). To my surprise when I boot up the laptop, I saw that my RAM was running at 2666MHz with 18-18-18 timings. It turns out that the 5405’s BIOS does not support XMP, and RAM will run at their SPD/JEDEC settings. Luckily I had an 8Gb stick of non-XMP Crucial 3200MHz 22-22-22 RAM laying around that paired nicely with the preinstalled RAM. I’ve looked online and have not been able to find non-XMP RAM with better timings than this. This is as far as you can go without XMP. So don’t buy a dual channel kit of RAM expecting to replace the preinstalled memory with something faster, it won’t work.

The best 1.2V laptop DDR4 out there IMO. Doesn't work here though!

No XMP setting available anywhere in the BIOS. Corsair Vengeance running at 2666MHz

Here’s the reference to the Crucial Kit I used: CT8G4SFS832A. But any non-XMP 3200MHz RAM with 22-22-22 timings running at 1.2V should work nicely.

RAM timings and clocks after upgrade

The heatsink assembly and fan seem to be secured with Philips screws, so repasting the laptop should be no problem at all. I’ve toyed with repasting it with Noctua NT-H1 or Thermal Grizzly Conductonaut, but I have yet to see if the laptop needs it at all. Therefore, given the risks involved, I’ve decided not to touch that yet.

Display:
According to the Dell Manual, the Inspiron 14 5405 ships with two possible panels:
· A 250 nit, 45% NTSC (75% sRGB) screen.
· A 300 nit, 72% NTSC (100% sRGB) screen.
Both are 1080p, matte, and IPS, as far as I know. Many people were afraid to buy this laptop since the Dell configurator did not specify what panel you would get. Understandably, people weren’t okay with gambling on an 800 € machine. I’m happy to report that, in France at least, I seem to have gotten the 300 nit 72% NTSC version. I’m also happy to report that it appears the Dell rep was right when she said that all 5405s ship with the 300 nit screen. The mystery regarding the 250 nit screen remains: what configuration causes you to end up with that one? Is it for 4300U 5405s? Is it a region thing? No idea, but I seem to have dodged a bullet.
I say I seem to have dodged a bullet, because I have no way of confirming whether this is indeed a 300 nit 100% sRGB screen. I do not own a colour calibrator like a Spyder 5 which could confirm all these values. Best I can do is bring this laptop to the store where I compared in person what 45% and 72% NTSC screens looked like using other brands’ laptops with similar panels.
I remember feeling that the 250 nit screen was fine brightness wise, but that colours were the real issue. They are really, really bad and dull on laptops with that panel. Now the panel on the 5405 doesn’t look as colourful as the 100% sRGB laptop I saw (a dell Inspiron 14 7000) in the store; but that one was glossy while this one is matte. And this screen feels much better than the 45% NTSC I saw on display, so it leads me to believe that it is indeed 300 nit sRGB, but that the matte coating makes it fall ever so slightly behind the glossy version in the Inspiron 7000 series.
Still with me, even with my shitty comparisons, which you can’t relate to because you haven’t been to that one French shop in Paris that I went to? Good. I’ll try to be more objective here, and convey my thoughts on this display. Contrast is excellent (has to be over 1000:1): blacks are deep, and backlight bleed is interesting on this device. It’s extremely faint, and extremely uniform, so the bleed is the same width across the entire bezel. In my ten years dealing with computers, I have never seen an IPS panel with such controlled backlight bleed. Nice.
I have to admit that I was slightly taken aback by the colours when I first turned on the laptop, as I felt slightly disappointed by how dull they felt. However, I can safely say that they have grown on me (not in a bad way) because I come from a glossy IPS on a MacBook and a glossy AMOLED on my Huawei P30. The colours are rich, but not overly saturated. By toying with the “Dell Cinema Colour” app, I was able to boost the saturation: there, I realised the panel was indeed capable and rich in colours, it just looked more natural in its default “duller” state. So take it with a grain of salt, but this display has made me appreciate more restrained saturation again. Don’t get me wrong, the colours are plenty good enough and miles ahead of what I remember from the 45% NTSC screen: I’d bet money on the 5405 being 72% NTSC.
The matte coating is of high quality, with no visible aberrations, and the laptop is perfectly usable in direct filtered (daytime translucent curtain) at around 60% brightness; so plenty to spare. Haven’t tested in broad daylight yet but I’m confident the panel can handle it.

Performance:
Honestly this’ll be extremely short because it’s getting late and I feel talking about performance is a bit pointless. If you want numbers, look for 4700U and Vega 7 benchmarks, or ask me what you want me to run and I’ll indulge you when I have the time. The variance between 4700U laptops should be minimal – only RAM speed and latency will make a noticeable difference. Considering this laptop is running 3200MHz RAM with poor timings at 22-22-22, you can expect middle of the pack performance in comparison to other 4700U devices, both in CPU and GPU tasks.
The included NVMe SSD is very responsive in everyday tasks, as you would expect. I checked SK Hynix’s website for the data on this SSD to see if it lived up to the claims. SK Hynix claims 2300MB/s sequential reads and 1000MB/s sequential writes (which matters mostly when reading/writing large files, when video rendering for instance) at QD32, and 190K IOPS (input/output operations, which is what matters in everyday use to make the laptop responsive) in both random reads and writes.
I got 1800 MB/s reads and 1050 MB/s writes sequentially, so no problems here. I got 200K IOPS on reads, so it does better than expected there, but I get a pitiful 89K IOPS on writes. Now random writes happens to be ¾ of the way through the benchmark, which is where the SSD reaches an alarming 78 degrees Celsius, but only for a few seconds as the fan ramps up to save it. The SSD is clearly throttling under sustained loads (especially writes, although this could be because writes come second in the benchmark, so reads will have heated it up more). Under normal use the SSD thankfully doesn’t throttle at all. This means avid video editors or people expecting sustained read/write loads should consider another laptop or replace the SSD with a cooler one, or one with a higher throttling termperature.

SK Hynix BC511 NVMe SSD: hotter than you think!

Noise and thermals:
The fan is mostly off during casual use (web browsing, typing on work, watching 1080p youtube, etc), thanks to the low overall wattage. The fan does ramp up quite aggressively though, as soon as the CPU starts doing anything intensive. Installing a game on steam for instance, which requires the CPU to decompress package downloaded by steam before installing them, immediately launches the fan to very audible levels. The fans do take their time to turn back off after a load though, even though temperatures have already returned to their normal state. I would describe the sound signature are loud but mostly comfortable. The fan at full speed is clearly audible, but the noise heard is mostly from air displacement, and the high-pitched noise the from fan motor is not at the forefront and stays clearly in the background. From my limited use typing all night, I’d say this laptop is perfect for school/office use as it’s dead silent during casual use. The keyboard too is silent while typing, so props for that.
When it comes to thermals, the laptop does fine. During the few runs of Cinebench R20 that I ran, the 4700U initially ran at 27 watts with all 8 cores boosting between 3,3 and 4,1GHz, which fits AMD specs. As the load continues, the 4700U quickly reaches 90 degrees, and the chip stabilises at 22 watts between 2,9 and 3,0GHz. The 4700U does continue to push towards 95 degrees, and I’ve reached a maximum of 98 degrees on mine. This seems acceptable, although I wish Dell’s fan curve would be more aggressive when the system is clearly under sustained heavy load.
The max operating temperature of the 4700U is 105 degrees, and its base clock is 2,0GHz, so I can confirm that the chip does not throttle here.
No part of the laptop becomes uncomfortable due to the heat during these intensive tests, even with Dell’s use of aluminium and what seems to magnesium for the bottom panel. This is because the 5405 doesn’t suffer from a bad case of Asus design, the vents are both large and well placed, all the while being stylish. Moreover, the hinge mechanism elevates the laptop by a significant amount, allowing both ample airflow and a comfortable typing experience. Take notes, Asus.

Speakers
Coming from a MacBook Pro (sorry if I keep saying that ☹), it’s hard for me to think of them positively. I don’t want to call them trash, because I don’t really have any reference for what 800 € laptop speakers sound like, so I can’t tell if it’s better or worse than the competition. I’d say they have 3 main issues:
· They are clearly downward firing: the sound is audibly aimed away from you, and what you hear is the sound bouncing back at you from the surface the laptop rests on. You can somewhat hear the physical separation between left and right speaker too.
· They interestingly have quite a lot of bass, although the range of that bass falls very short: in other words, the bass is surprisingly punchy, but the frequency stops surprisingly high. I don’t know if my words convey that feeling very well. Basically, what little bass there is, is on the higher end but is clearer than most bad speakers I’ve seen.
· Dynamic range is very limited: you can tell that these tiny speakers have a very limited range and are struggling to produce both very high pitched and very deep sounds. Nothing replaces a subwoofer for bass and tweeters for highs, and these speakers are very limited in their range. Highs aren’t very high and lows aren’t very low.
They do have some positives though:
· They have nice audio separation: while yes the downward firing effect and the clear separation between left and right speakers is distracting, it has the unintendedly positive side effect of making audio separation quite good. It’s easy to tell instruments apart, and voices are never drowned into the instruments, nor do they overpower the melody. This ties in to my second point.
· They are quite clear: while the range of sounds they produce is very limited, and you can feel that the speakers don’t have much power, they execute what little range they have very well. In essence, you’ll be complaining about “not enough bass” or “man those highs don’t peak”, but never “man these mids sound muddled”. These speakers lack quantity (range), not quality, if that makes sense.
· They seem quite loud: It’s now 3 am (not saying I deserve karma for my effort but hey 😉) so I couldn’t test max volume and distortion, but I was comfortable listening with the laptop on my lap at 10 to 20% volume. I’ve always had extremely good ears and listen to my music at low volumes, but I’m confident these speakers can easily fill a room with music if needed.

Battery:
Dell for some reason decided to equip their 4500U and 4700U configurations with 40Wh batteries, while the 4300U configuration gets a 56Wh battery. For context, 56Wh on an Ultrabook (intel trademark be damned this is what this laptop is) is considered average. 40Wh is considered trash. So why would Dell sabotage their own laptop with a shitty battery? It makes no sense. The competition (HP Probook, Acer Swift 3/7, Lenovo Ideapad/Thinkpad/Flex, etc) all have between 46 to 58Wh batteries as far as I can remember.
Now battery size isn’t the only thing hurting the 5405’s battery life. This laptop uses DDR4 SODIMMs: this is standard RAM for laptops, which runs at 1.2V. Desktop DDR4 also runs at 1.2V, although most use XMP and thus run at 1.35V. Some Renoir laptops such as the Acer Swift 3 use LPDDR4X, which is soldered RAM made to run at very high frequencies and low voltages (between 0,6V and 1,1V compared to standard 1,2V). You may be wondering how much of a difference low voltage RAM can make. Well in a laptop where the total power draw is around 45W, RAM consuming a few watts less is a 10% improvement. Not that small now is it?
The Acer Swift 3 for instance, which is also a 14 inch laptop running a 4700U, uses 8Gb of LPDDR4X running at 4266MHz. That laptop has a 48Wh battery, so not that much bigger than our 5405 here. Granted it also has a dimmer screen, and only half the RAM. But these changes combine to grant the laptop 12 to 16 hours of casual use.
In comparison, here I am after typing and researching for 5 hours now, and I’m down to 20% battery.I think I can reach 6, or 6 and a half hours. Yes, I did install a few games on steam, I did run a few SSD benchmarks, I did indeed run a few runs of Cinebench R20 on battery power. So you might be able to scrape 7 hours out of this laptop. That’s about half the battery life of the Acer Swift 3. Renoir APUs are famed for their energy efficient and Dell stands out in the crowd as the only manufacturer to sabotage their own Ultrabook with a terrible battery, why?
I’ve still got 20% and I’ll watch some YouTube after I finish writing, before I sleep, to reach 0% battery. That way I’ll have accurate numbers to present to you rather than the vague prediction above. I also plan on running another battery benchmark which more accurately represents a school day, no windows updates in the background, no benchmarks, etc. Just Word, PowerPoint, YouTube, emails, etc. I need this laptop to be able to last 8 hours, which is a full school day, if I want to keep it. We’ll see if it can do that.
UPDATE at 3:30am: battery went from 19% to 6% instantly, might be the battery needs calibrating with a few cycles, but this is disappointing: it seems the battery won’t even pass the 6 hour threshold. Hopefully this doesn’t happen in my next instance of the battery torture test.
UPDATE 2 at 3:45am: laptop died on me after 5:11h of use. I can maybe reach 6 withouts the benchmarks next time, but this is overall very disappointing.

The culprit unveiled. Has Intel money been here? It makes no sense to sabotage your own product...

DDR4 vs LPDDR4X is a trade-off of upgradable, power hungry RAM versus soldered, efficient RAM. A bright screen is also useful, so this is a trade-off that I’m willing to make. But if you want the Renoir laptop with the absolute best battery life and peak performance isn’t a must, stay away from the 5405 and go for the Acer Swift 3. But if you still want upgradable RAM, a bright screen and battery life that’s better than this, go for the Ideapad 5 14 among other things.
And this is where something is seriously wrong with the Dell Inspiron 14 5405 specifically. The Lenovo Ideapad 5 14 runs for 10 hours with the same CPU, and the same upgradable, power-hungry RAM. Why? It has a 56,5Wh battery.

Closing words: Dell, well done for making what is imo the best Renoir laptop; and Dell, damn you for sabotaging the best Renoir laptop with one fatal flaw, a total deal breaker.
Also, please ignore the spelling mistakes, grammar errors, etc; I've been typing for 6 hours, and I'm depressed to realise that my new laptop has a battery life shorter than my daily attention span. :(

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