specifics of what I'm imagining:
In an alternate version of the 1960s a virus wipes out 98% of the Earth's population everywhere apart from the Russian island of Sakhalin which by a fluke of false alarm was quarantined much earlier then other similarly sized islands, and thus allowed to survive. A few years after loosing contact with Moscow, Sakhalin declares it's self an independent communist nation and makes the Soviet Army officer assigned to enforce the quarantine, their first head of state.
In the year 2167 the Sakhalin's people's republic encompasses almost the entire planet, under the leadership of a far flung decedent of that original Soviet Army officer. the names of individual states only live as a convenient way of place identification. the only exception to their rule is north america which is covered by tens of small states constantly warring with each other and the party's army, official doctrine is that this is because their ancestors were poised against communism by capitalism. the actual reason is that North america is so far from Sakhalin that by the time their relatively poor army reached there in 1993, the population had recovered sufficiently that they weren't able to easily conquer them like everywhere else. 174 years later they're still trying because it would violate the unofficial popular belief that the virus happened because it was destiny that the party was to be given the power to dominate all mankind, to give up.

I feel so bad for anyone having to live in a Communist country :(. Often times we are not grateful for all of the freedom we do have.

There seems to be a fundamental misunderstanding, or perhaps forlorn hope in regards to the Great Asian War and the Third Great Patriotic War. Namely there is a belief that by going Takagi and Go4, you may be able to avoid these wars and hand over these settlements peacefully. Not only are these not going to prevent these conflicts, but the cold war between the three may-no will continue on.
This is a false hope, and I wish to crush it, so I wish to go through the potential ideas.

Shared ideology will prevent war between Russia and Germany!

This is mostly applied to Russia and Germany. The idea that if a democratic Russia and a Go4 Germany make it and talk to each other. Now why would this not work?
Reason 1: Russia
Well I can think of a few historical factors, let us for a minute think of the last few years, what was Russia suffered under Germany?

• The loss of West Russia from Saint Petersburg to Moscow
• Genocide
• Enslavement for several decades
• Sustained bombing for several decades

For a comparison, France utterly despised Germany over the Franco-Prussian War and the loss of Alsace-Lorraine. Ideology will not alone prevent them from coming to blows over this for their ideologies will still be opposing, with Russians favoring Russia reunification and Russian nationalism against the German and Japanese hegemonies. It is an almost unspoken part but undoubtedly center to them. The Russian people hate the Germans far more viciously than any other, do we have any other explanation for Omsk except for such generational hatred?
Some will compare it to America, but keep in mind Hawaii was not even a state, it was a military base and overseas territory at the time, the far greater slight was the ports. And I should point out that the ports aren't even a city, they are literally the ports of said cities. America lost and got hurt but overall it was not even slighted in comparison to what Russia has suffered.
This does not change with different leaders, this will be a factor regardless of who, hell even in not so democratic republics. So when the Russians even contemplate negotiation, this is going to be very difficult to even get them to consider, but if they even try, what will they want? Nothing less than all of Moskowein, perhaps even all their former territories, from Ostland to Ukraine. These are lands with plenty of Germans within them, which will bring me to
Reason 2: Germany
I hope I've established that Russia will have a hatred of Germany at this point, and revanchism will be a nigh unbearable point. But what of Germany? The idea does require both after all. Perhaps Germany can bow and give them everything they want, perhaps in return for inviting Russia into the Einheitspakt?
Well, let's discuss what is in those territories they will demand. Regardless or not of their independence, these nations are not fully independent. They are reliant on Germany through trade and political connections. They are still part of the German Empire, though now an indirect Empire, more akin to the influence of the United States over Europe after the second world war, rather than... Well the Nazi Empire. Germany has no reason to hand over its nations to a revanchist power that I will say again, absolutely hates them.
On the flip side, It also need not be stated, that if Germany hands over supposedly independent nations... Well that just shoots the actual narrative the Germans are trying to build full of holes doesn't it? They have to keep their Empire by defending them as allies, and Russia here is going to demand that they all get absorbed? Even just Moskowein would pose dangers to them, perhaps even leave the other newly established countries to look elsewhere for allies if Germany so casually hands over Moskowein. These may still be in some ways imperialized by the Germans, but not literally. These lands are technically not theirs to hand over. This would be nothing short of a betrayal of their supposed allies, and in many ways confirm for all other nations from Poland to Ukraine that this is no union of nations, but a German Empire, for them to play with and sell at a whim. Jeeze, and people thought MittelEuropa from Kaiserreich was exploititive.
And let us not forget another particular portion. Even for a democratic republic, this is still a revanchist power that is more than likely a little hateful at the Germans. There are lot of Germans in Ukraine, in Ostland, and in Moskowein. Especially Moscow and Saint Petersburg, many of which have lived there for generations. Never mind abandoning their allies, they're abandoning their own people to the hope that the Russians that they have genocided will be merciful.
And finally, I want to ask. The nazis, are nazis, as you may have noticed. For a very long time in TNO, the nazis are still nazis, arguably as far as to the end of TNO1. So. Why are crypto liberals- Hell why is Speer allowed to take to so many almost blasphemous reforms within Germany? The answer is simple. Their reforms work. Germany above all wants to be at the top. They want to be powerful, and longlasting. All their reforms, from the army reforms to the political ones serve Germany's power first and formost. It makes the nation leaner, in makes the nation more sufficient, it makes the nation more prosperous, it makes the nation more powerful. If Schmidt gave the Russians Moskowein in return for... What? An alliance? A pinky promise not to betray them to the Americans? No, this goes against everything that has let the Gang of Four survive. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if you are give the option to do that, and in response Tresckow coups the Gang of Four and puts Speer back in power. To hand over Moskowein to the Russians proves that Speer was right about Schmidt. As a traitor and saboteur to the nation. If the Go4 have any sense. They'll say no.
These are not ideological differences. These are fundamental conflicts between these two nations, both of whom are prideful nations the most powerful they've ever been.

So is there no hope for peace between the two?

There is none probably... But I'm willing to spitball a few ideas as to who a war could be prevented.

• Bormann is fuhrer and does not believe his successor can defeat Russia, especially if they're going through Chernobyl times a hundred. Perhaps Germany negotiates a deal with Russia giving as little as they can while satisfying them. This is unlikely, but Bormann has more or less secured his power at the end of TNO1, no one is left to successfully oppose him, as opposed to the Go4 who have to deal with the hardliners, Speer, and Oberlander none of whom are truly neutralized. Hell that might save Germany from complete destruction and subjugation by the Americans.
• Russia is ruled by Oktan of Samara. Oktan cares not for Russia, and has a kelptocratic regime already, he can 'sell' Moskowein to Germany and pocket the cash. The thief sells out Russia's dignity for ever more money. An awful ending for Russia truly, but if any Russian leader can pull it off, it is Oktan. No one else, not even Stepanov would be capable, as they either for personal or practical reasons would need to attack, Oktan simply has to keep his generals filthy rich.
• The Divine Mandate of Siberia never even meets with the Go4 Germany. Moskowein stays that way and the Divine Mandate of Russia just stays this strange nation doing its own thing. Alexander Men is basically a prophet after all, though with that said, I would point out he's not afraid to tear apart anyone between him and the border with Moskowein so I would not count on this. But this would be the most 'blessed' possibility I see of peace.

Japan can de-colonize and allow China to go free!

No. Takagi is not there to betray Japan. He is there to save it. He wants to reform Japan, and even if he has a true belief in the Co-Prosperity Sphere as a force of good and progress for Asia, it is strictly within the context of Japan leading it. I hope I don't need to explain why Chinta is not willing to accept Japan influence, especially since many of Japan's influences in China would remain identical under liberals as under imperialists. Their influence is mostly economic after all. For China to violently throw them out opens them up to alliances with other global powers too, like Germany or America. China is now a very very industrialized and powerful spear pointed at the heart of Japan. No, there is no possibility of this. That is not to say Takagi is just like the others, I'm sure he'll be the most restrained out of the Japanese leaders, but he will not hand over Japanese supremacy to the Americans, Germans, Chinese, or anyone else without a fight, just as China will not allow themselves to endure this century of humiliation at the hands of Europe and Japan any longer. Remember that the British OTL were unwilling to let go of their most valuable colonies without a fight as well, and decolonization came only when it became apparent they would lose, something that would not be the case in TNO with the Great Asian War (unless literally everyone joins China I suppose, but at that point I'm not sure it matters who is in charge of Japan). But you may ask why they would mind American influence in China if they're both liberal? This leads us to the next section.
And no, there is no real hope for peace here I would say.

The Cold War will not end with them agreeing to share the world

The Cold war is not simply a struggle against evil, though it may often be painted as such. The united States is trying to establish its own empire on the world, as is Germany as is Japan. They wish to hold onto what they have and expand where they can. Ideology in many places has proven to be more malleable than needed. Between the Sino-Soviet Split, Vietnam's cry for American assistance, Democratic socialists in West Europe, working with fascists, supplying religious fundamentalists, the CIA and China's combined support for the Khmer Rogue- You can see where this is going after a while right? No nation OTL was restrained purely by ideology. Ideology is in many ways informed by the circumstances they are in, and this is no different.
While the ideologies will certainly change under the Go4 and Japan, they will not simply become the same as America. They will not surrender themselves to become pseudo OFN mandates or American puppets. They are all imperialists. Some have complained about the USA being willing to war with Angola, or even having the choice to try the CAR, but I think it perfect encapsulates the United State's true interests, else this would not even be a choice. Their first priority is to defend their interests and ensure their dominance. This is not unique to them, a Go4 Germany will defend the Shahdom in Iran after all, and the Japanese under Takagi will fight for the less free of the two Indonesias. They are all ultimately still self-interested empires.
But while we're at the ideologies, how will they be shaped? Japan simply because it turns to reform does not get rid of its anti-imperialist, anti-western attitude. They still hold onto that, the Co-Prosperity sphere even were it to live up to its name is still dedicated to fighting against western incursion and exploitation. This does not change.
Germany being Master of Europe? While it will likely go through a more drastic change compared to Japan, Germany will not simply let go of its place in Europe. Perhaps German Supremacy will become more akin to German exceptionalism and the German model's superiority, one they will surely share with all nations under them. Perhaps Germany engages in a Pan-European ideal against all who may divide it, especially in the face of the United States and Japan, never mind that they still technically have a fuhrer and technically respect the word of Hitler.
And the United States still needs to spread freedom don't it? This does not change, just look at it right now, their struggles against Iran, North Korea, Iraq, Venezuela, Russia, and so on are not limited by their stated ideology, ranging from capitalist to socialist and more. Germany is still holding Europe under an iron grip, even if the grip is with a velvet glove rather than a steel gauntlet, same with Japan. America can no longer assume that it is safe from attack, that ended the day Pearl Harbor was attacked, and will only amplify with Japan and Germany still doing well, better than before even.
All of these nations share that at least, they know the trauma of imperialism, and will imperialize to ensure it does not happen to them. They will struggle and fight and clash to make sure as much of the world is loyal to them, or at that least not loyal to them. A great game where all the world is a stage does not end simply because a social democrat is now in charge of the Reich. This struggle will not end, not until one nation stands above all others as the undisputed master of the world. Even McGovern though less of a hawk, will surely still favor spreading their influence in more peaceful ways. So long as the world is multipolar, there will be struggles between the most powerful nations to see who the most influential is, and who can remain independent of foreign influence. We even see this kind of struggle in our own world between Russia China and America, and the power balance is much more in America's favor with far less of an ideology separating Russia and America compared to Japan and Germany.
As much as it may be desired, the authdems will not prevent a cold war, nor the Great Asian War, nor the Third Great Patriotic War. Their ideologies though more similar will not be the same, and these nations will ultimately look after their own self-interest, and this means maintaining their position at the top, even at the expense of the other powers.

I'm Korean-American. I casually watched GG its original network (remember The WB?) run haphazardly and recently rewatched the series on Netflix. I really enjoyed rewatching the show and its made me appreciate things that I didn't when I was younger like Lauren Graham's brilliance, Amy's incredible array of pop culture references and how funny Taylor is. But I also realized how crummy GG's portrayal of korea and koreans were through Lane. Now disclaimer I don't claim to speak for all koreans or korean-americans I can only speak for myself. I've also aware of how Lane was based on Helen Pai's personal experience. There is also the dilemma of all asian characters on American TV being seen as an reflection on all asians that white characters don't suffer from. But with that said I think this criticism is valid because GG doesn't just casually mention Lane and Mrs. Kim are Koreans but gloss over it, they constantly bring it up over-and-over and devote entire episodes to it like the Thanksgiving episode or the wedding.
A list of complaints
Number One: Koreans are portrayed as weird and uncool.
Lorelai is the cool mom who is so witty and funny and knows all the pop culture references and is best friends with her daughter. Mrs. Kim is shown as a strict, authoritarian korean woman with no sense of humor. Mrs. Kim fits certain stereotypes associated with asian women especially immigrant asian women. Now are there real korean-american women who are kinda like Mrs. Kim? Sure but if any of you watch Korean dramas do you notice those types of stereotypes are nowhere to be found? Its just fascinating to see how asian countries see themselves compared to how Hollywood see them isn't it?
In every korean gathering shown the non-speaking korean characters are shown as weird, bland, and foreign. The scene in Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving where Lorelai spouts off various bizarre korean sounding names (are those even real korean names?!!) is a PERFECT example of this. The show constantly makes korean (-american) culture seem like some weird amalgamation of Christianity and North Korea. As nothing more than a joke trait of Lane's life to be gently mocked. Characters like Yiung Chiu and Kyon reinforce this. (more on them later)
Number Two: Lane hates Korean culture
Ok so Mrs. Kim is the stereotypical middle aged asian dragon lady. But I can't say that about Lane because she's so different and plays against type right? Well if Lane was simply written like a white character that might have been better. But so much of her character is constantly being passive-aggressive towards korean culture justified by her mother's authoritarian parenting.
On the show Korean culture is presented as stuffy and uncool. Rock music is shown as the antithesis of boring, traditional korean culture. When Lane finds out she is being sent to (South) Korea she acts like she's being banished to the Soviet Bloc. South Korea in the 2000's when Gilmore Girls aired was a pop culturally vibrant place. If Lane acted that way during the 50-90's then it might be more accurate because that was a rough time politically, culturally and economically for South Korea. But the South Korea of the 2000's was OK (go watch Reply 1997) Not that Amy or Helen would even THINK of having that level of nuance. Even when Lane says something nice about Korea it is only because of bootlegs of american music like its some third world country that can't produce any creative content they just have to pirate american movies and music sold on the street.
One can only imagine how Lane would react to the success of BTS or korean dramas on Netflix.
Number Three: Gilmore Girls and Christianity
I'm not a Seventh Day Adventist so I can't say anything about it with any type of authority however as a Christian I just think the portrayal of Mrs. Kim enforcing all these strict rules based on her Christian faith is so lame. I'm sure there are Christian parents like that just like there are Christian parents that are different. I mean you just know with Hollywood there's not going to be any positive portrayal of Christians. Even if its with kid gloves like Gilmore Girls does. Also Mrs. Kim has zero interest in Lane's faith she's just shown as a mindless authoritarian with strict rules. Not only are the Kim's inauthentically korean they're also inauthentically Christian. Zero depth to their Christianity. Both mere props to serve the characters.
Mrs. Kim's church is also exclusively a Korean one. Growing up in one I'd say a the portrayal of a Korean church in Kim's Convinence Store is such better use of one as essentially a background. Kim's Convinence Store doesn't dwell on the church much but when it mines it for a periodic story it utilizes it in a good way that enhances the show.
Number Four: Rory and Lane
I thought Lane's storyline was weirdly detached from the rest of GGs. Paris and Rory felt like the best friends (frenemies at the start) not Rory and Lane. I don't know if that's a common complaint because I don't lurk that much on GG discussion places but Lane just popping in and talking to Rory then having her own seperate world with not much interaction between her and Rory much less the rest of the GG cast I thought really hurt the character. Rory wanted to be Christiane Amanpour, a foreign correspondent. Why not have her take a international relations class in Yale and be assigned North Korea, Lorelai goes on a riff about the two Koreas "which one is the bad Korea again?" then use that to intergrate Lane and Mrs. Kim into one of her storylines such as talking to the Kims about it and Lane couldn't care less but Mrs. Kim has some out-of-the-blue touching story of how she has a aunt in North Korea. Maybe that would be a little too melodramatic for GG but all I'm saying is since they were so hellbent on namedropping Korea all the time in the Lane storyline they could've utilized it more than they did as a lame joke. Or how about Rory dating a Korean guy as a storyline? (Emily's reaction) Didn't Rory hang around Lane and her family all the time so it could be plausible? Oh wait.
Number Five: Lane and Korean guys
Henry is shown to be only interested in Lane because she's Korean, Lane is mortified until later when she warms up to him. "Yiung Chui" (doesn't even sound like a real name) starts liking Lane. I'm sorry to be superficial here (Lorelai rated all those delivery boys) but GG casted not great looking asian actors to play those character. But that's not unique to Gilmore Girls that's a Hollywood thing. I mean if you're thinking I'm being harsh how does Henry and Young Chiu's actors look compared to Adam Brody, Jared Padalecki, Milo Ventimiglia, and Matt Czuchry? Granted Herny and "Yiung Chui" are minor characters compared to the quartet of Rory and Lane's boyfriends but still. Hollywood makes asian male characters look so undesirable. Whatever your opinion is of the looks of guys in K-Pop or Korean dramas they have millions of fans who find them very attractive and none of them look like Henry or Yiung Chui. I always thought this was a basic numbers thing (there are more white male actors to choose from vs asian male actors) but then you look at Kpop companies scooping up korean-american talents like Johnny and Mark from NCT, Joshua from Seventeen, Jae from Day6, Eric Nam, etc then you realize its not a talent pool thing its a deliberate casting decision because god forbid you have a handsome asian male character in a teen show. As silly as K-Pop can be it opened my eyes to how american media has portrayed people of my race and gender to look as unattractive as possible to an american audience.
Number Six: Kyon
Kyon gets her own spot on this list because she's where I go from being mildly annoyed to "where can I find Amy Sherman-Palladino's email address?". The accent. My god the accent!! Even if some asians from asia talk like that in english why would you want to put that on TV? It sounds mocking even if it isn't. I'm not some ultimate authority but almost every girl from Korea I've talked to when they have a accent but a lot cuter and smoother than Kyon's minstrel show. Kyon is barely above Michael Scott's asian impression. Now maybe you can justify it by saying Mrs. Kim must have asked for a korean girl from seventh day adventist family or something, I guess? Maybe from a smaller korean city or rural area not Seoul but all of that said I'm sure even in the early 2000's Korean girls looked more fashionable than American girls and they definitley do now. So korean caricature Kyon dresses like Pam from the first season of The Office, the actress can't speak korean she just randomly speaks phrases in her fight with Lane that is torture to hear as a native speaker and she doesn't know what f***ing FRIES taste like.
In conclusion while I think Amy is brilliant she made some poor decisions with Lane. I think Lane's korean identity could've been used a lot better, not just from a PC standpoint but to mine better stories for Lane. I think Helen Pai did a tremendous disservice to koreans and korean-americans. Personally if I had a choice I would take a pass on this type of "representation" and stick to korean dramas if I want to see people of my race. I realize many people don't have that option and that is unfortunate.
Last parting thoughts: Lane should've gotten the spinoff, not Jess. Kirk/Sean Gunn's chest. I like Jason. Scott Patterson did a underrated job as a masculine male in a girl show. Hate anything with Rory in Chilton/Yale news room. Making jokes about cats following Lorelai/lonely cat lady future encourages women not to adopt cats so that's really sad. I loved Bunheads.
I wrote this late at night sorry for any errors. I really do love the show but as Frasier said what's better than perfect meal a perfect meal with a small flaw you can pick at all night. Thx for reading.

This post is mod-approved and I hope it's helpful.
My name is Jared A. Brock and today is my 35th birthday. It’s been a wild ride: I’ve walked across hot coals, swam up an underground river by candlelight, eaten bull’s testicles, and roasted marshmallows on flowing lava.
I’ve written three books, directed four films, published 400+ articles everywhere from Esquire to The Guardian to TIME Magazine, road-tripped through 45 American states and nine Canadian provinces, helped get some laws changed, and traveled to forty countries including North Korea and the Vatican.
I’ve enjoyed nearly thirteen years of marriage to my seventh-grade sweetheart, and we’ve been blessed to fundraise hundreds of thousands for charity. Though not without tons of mistakes and some major setbacks — financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually — it’s been a pretty decent trip so far.
I’m lucky, blessed, downright spoiled. And even though I certainly don’t claim to be wise in any way, shape, or form, here are 35 things I wish I’d learned far sooner. None of these are rules or commands for you to follow, just personal reflections from a decade of journaling. I hope they save you a lot of time, energy, struggle, and life:

1. “Save the best for last” is terrible advice.

A French monk taught me this one. Every morning, I put on the newest pair of socks in my drawer. Why wear the rattiest pair? When I sit down to eat, I eat the tastiest bits first. Why let them get cold? After every shower, I put on my favorite clean t-shirt. I have a great bottle of 10-year-old Laphroaig scotch in my cupboard, but I probably won’t drink it for months because I received two bottles of reactor-aged Lost Spirits single malt for Christmas.
Why? Because life is hard enough and we aren’t promised tomorrow. This doesn’t mean we should throw caution to the wind and “live in the moment” at all times, but it does mean we should try to find the golden middle and glean a little bit of pleasure from every day we’re blessed to live. “Save the best for last” is poverty-mentality thinking. It expects worse in the future. Enjoy the best right now — in your marriage, parenting, work, travel, faith, friendship, contribution. Keep all the chips on the table. Be ready at all times to leave without regret.

2. Tools use us.

A hammer literally cannot hit a nail without using a human.A saw cannot cut through a board without using a human.A phone cannot deliver ads without using a human.

3. Avoid false dichotomies.

When given two great options, choose both.When given two horrible options, choose neither.

4. Failure is overcome by one word.

“Next.”

5. Give yourself a shove.

The best way to eat more candy and drink more vodka is to leave them side-by-side on the kitchen counter.
You get it. Willpower is useless. Instead, line up a series of little nudges to automatically get you through your day. If you want to work out, leave your shorts by the door or your cleats in your fridge. My blue diode glasses rest on top of my laptop so I have to protect my eyes before logging online. I can’t not see my vitamins when I brush my teeth, or chia seeds when I reach for the Brita. There’s a book beside my bed, toilet, desk, and car’s gear shifter.
Line up enough nudges and you can shove yourself in the right direction.

6. Awkward is awesome.

My best friend says that The Office gave society a beautiful gift: the ability to embrace cringe. When you meet someone new and it’s slightly weird, pretend you’re Michael Scott. Just glory and bask in the discomfort.
You can awkward-proof your life by being bold: Ask for discounts. Ask for refunds. Ask for phone numbers. Ask for pay raises. Ask inappropriate questions at inappropriate times. Lather yourself in awkward and pretty soon nothing sticks.

7. Ambition is ruinous for your happiness.

Most goal-setters (myself included) live much of life in anticipation of tomorrow, and when that day arrives, they’re either disappointed by their failures or underwhelmed by their successes.
Instead: trust the process. Whiskey, pasta, bread, beer, and cereal all require just two ingredients — wheat and water — but the outcome is completely different based on the process. Identity precedes action. Determine what you want to be, then determine the process that will get you there every single time.

8. The Marines were right: slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

As teenagers, my friend Tyler and I were in a hurry to get somewhere quickly so we drove 120+ miles per hour for forty-five straight minutes before nearly crashing when the speed burned a footlong gash through the tire. By the time we replaced it with a spare, we were late to our destination by more than an hour.
But nevermind driving. Pump the life-brakes sometimes, or at least, let off the gas. You might get there faster.

9. Most “leaders” aren’t leaders.

Celebrities, politicians, and book-hocking business gurus all call themselves leaders. They’re not.
Real leadership is influence that serves. True leaders are selfless and servant-hearted. They put the best interests of others ahead of their own. Politics and media, by comparison, attracts sociopaths like flies to firelight. Never give power to those who seek it. Nearly everyone worth following is dead.

10. Old people know better.

Honoring our elders is one of the most underrated practices in our newness-obsessed society. Sure, there are a ton of old crazy far-right conspiracy theorists, but there are also good people who have survived four wars, six recessions, and twelve presidents and are somehow still smiling. Get to know them.
Also: meet your old-person self. I try to invent a new word every week — one of them is preflection. To ponder the present through the eyes of your future self. Take an hour in silence to listen to your eighty-year-old self. They might know something you don’t.

11. Fire all your employees.

The employer-employee relationship creates an unhealthy power dynamic between humans that simply didn’t exist when we worked cooperatively to feed our clan or village. I love my work life so much more now that I only work with independent entrepreneurs who are my equals. For me, it’s either a one-man show (my writing business), an equal partnership (my film company), or a co-operative endeavor. Life’s too short to be a boss or be bossed around.

12. Accept that you are a voracious locust of doom.

Nail a roll of paper to the wall and write down everything you consume for a year — food, toilet paper, electricity, car fuel, movies, music, social media content, other people’s time, everything. See what I mean?
Saint Augustine said that the human heart can only fully be satisfied by one thing aside from God himself: everything. All the sex, all the money, all the power, all the possessions, all the glory. All of it. Nothing short of everything could ever fully satiate the human heart. We are wired for more.
Understanding this truth is the first step toward real contentment.

13. Forget what the market wants.

Listen to your gut. Your body knows the difference between good and great. Someone said you should never record a song or code an app or write an article unless it makes you laugh, cry, or orgasm. If an idea doesn’t move you, it won’t move an audience, no matter how “commercial” you think it is.

14. Happiness isn’t the purpose of life.

Hitler really was following his bliss by offing millions of Jews. I’m sure Jeffrey Dahmer genuinely enjoyed the taste of human flesh. Bernie Madoff seemed content to bilk charities for decades.
Happiness isn’t the purpose of life. It’s not even in the top ten. Happiness is a seasonal fruit, not a foundational root. Find firm and fertile ground.

15. There is no ugly.

My grandpa re-proposed to my grandma on their fiftieth wedding anniversary and called her the most beautiful woman he’s ever known. Old wrinkly grandma? Yes. Because we choose our definition of beauty through our thoughts, disciplines, habits, and patterns, be they conscious or otherwise.

16. We are what we consume.

The statistical average American is a walking bodybag of sugar, alcohol, caffeine, porn, pills, and digital stimulus. Imagine how different life would be if our only inputs were nature, sleep, sunlight, organic food, and embodied human interaction?
Guard your inputs carefully.

17. We’re going to die quite soon.

Make sure you live first. Practicing memento mori will help.

18. Fame is poison.

One in four Gen Zers thinks they’ll be famous by age 25. One in 3.9999999 Gen Zers are going to have a miserably disappointing life.
Why do people desire the attention of strangers? Because we all need to love and be loved, to know and be known, but are too afraid to risk personal heartbreak to seek it out. Attention is not affection. Influence is not intimacy.

19. Boomers are to blame for half our troubles.

The Me Generation took a free ride at the planet’s expense and is hellbent on taking the rest of it with them. They’re statistically low on empathy — blame the lead, asbestos, and hairspray if you must — but at least acknowledge the reality that life is hard for everyone, and no one has it easier.

20. Children are dope.

Kids are the blood transfusion in our sick system. We need to stop manipulating, brainwashing, colonizing, and propagandizing them, and learn from them instead.

21. It doesn’t have to hurt.

Joy is a choice.

22. Watch comedy before calls and meetings.

Five minutes of gut-busting laughter will prime you for even the most tedious conference call. Your co-workers and customers all have tough lives like everybody else, so brighten their day by pre-brightening your own.

23. No ragrets.

Tattoo it on your neck. Most people play it far too safe. Instead: optimize your life for the least number of regrets and the most amount of selfless contribution.

24. There are better ways to vote.

I’ve manned several local voting stations, and I’ve also hob-nobbed with politicians in Canada, America, and the UK. The reality is that they don’t work for us. They work for their corporate sponsors and private interests.
Democracy isn’t dead. It just hasn’t happened yet, with all attempts to date being stillborn or aborted. Democracy = one voice one vote. Athens wasn’t a democracy — women, slaves, and tenants had zero say. America isn’t a democracy either — no representative system is, because it’s far too easy for private interests to buy politicians. The charade of voting is illusory. All elections are sham elections.
So what to do? Vote with your money and time and attention. One sham vote every four years versus tens of thousands of dollar-votes each year? It’s a no-brainer. My wife and I haven’t stepped foot in a Walmart in more than a decade because thousands of its suppliers are based in China, the billionaire heirs are anti-democratic tax-avoiders, and they treat their employees like indentured servants. Vote for pro-democracy third-party candidates if you must — just understand the game, and also vote in the ways that actually matter.

25. Everything easy has already been done.

So run a little further. And if it hasn’t been done, it won’t be as easy as it appears. The question to ask is: what’s been standing in the way this whole time? Achievement is all about knocking down obstacles. Just make sure what’s on the other side is rightly worth the effort.

26. Broccoli still tastes terrible.

But you’re not a child anymore. Adults do hard things.

27. Fixed-order scheduling > fixed-hour scheduling.

Discipline is great, but it’s also subject to the law of diminishing returns. Life is just too dynamic to schedule with military precision. Free yourself from the tyranny of “only people who wake up at 5 AM are successful.”
All hours are not created equal. It depends on your sleep drive and chronotype. Know yourself. Unapologetically get some sleep, then do your best work at your best time in your best state.

28. “Freedom” isn’t freedom.

America wasn’t founded on freedom. America was founded on violent autonomy.
The ancient Greeks had an entirely different definition of freedom: it was the ability to choose the right regardless of circumstance.

“We talk about freedom all the time, but we’ve stopped talking about freedom a long time ago. Now we’re talking about autonomy. Freedom is different than autonomy. Freedom has boundaries. Truth is one of those boundaries. And morality is one of those boundaries. Autonomy is the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want in whatever way you want. The problem is this: If I’m autonomous and another person is autonomous, and I have preferences and those matter more than the truth, and that person has preferences and their preferences matter more than the truth, when two autonomous preference-seeking beings come together and their preferences don’t match, who is going to win? If truth is on the bottom shelf, truth won’t decide. What will decide will be power. And isn’t it ironic that in our quest for “freedom”, someone gets enslaved?” — Abdu Murray

29. Grandma didn’t use toilet paper.

She used pages from the Sears catalog. Splinter-free wasn’t available until 1935. The Romans used sponges. The Greeks used clay. Francois Rabelais recommended using “the neck of a goose.” Arabians used their left hand.
Never assume our extremely unique cultural moment is “normal.”

30. The quest for wealth is destroying life.

We need a shared global vision. My invented word for it is benevitae: the sustainable flourishing of all creation. Our collective goal should be socioenviroeconomic sustainability. Where to start? We’d do well to let biology determine ecological sustainability and real democracy to determine economic fairness. Our current trajectory is worse than the Space Shuttle Challenger.

31. Ninety-nine isn’t enough.

Water boils at 100 degrees Celcius. The difference between 99 and 100 is the difference between zero and one. Not-boiling, boiling.
Corollary: 101 doesn’t make it any more boiling.

32. Divide-and-conquer is a business model.

Near the end of high school, dozen friends and I binge-watched multiple seasons of LOST in our friend Mike’s basement. It was one of the most hilarious, riotous, enjoyable experiences we had as a group.
And it was the last show we ever watched together.
People used to go to restaurants in large numbers, to the movies by the dozen, climbing over each other for one of the limited video game controllers, packing out our churches, cheering on our sports teams by the busload. We were almost never alone, and we were far happier. Now we order in, watch Netflix, stream Minecraft, catch the highlights, watch porn, and go to bed. It’s killing us.
Resist the urge to be alone. It’s too easy, and it’s the exact opposite of what we really need. The #1 thing that’s correlated to human happiness is human togetherness.

33. Self-improvement won’t save us.

The great lie of individualist-consumerist culture is that we can improve our way to personal perfection and communal utopia. But it’s incrementalism at best.
It’s just chasing infinity.

34. We know nothing +/-.

On the scale of all that is known, and all that is knowable, our individual understanding is essentially mathematically zero. The entirety of human knowledge is a rounding error.
This is the beginning of humility.

35. The sun is not on fire

This whole list began in Texas. I was at an observatory in the Davis Mountains and it was the first time I’d paid attention to astronomy since grade school. For three decades, I’d wrongly assumed the sun was a giant ball of flames.
But there’s no fire in space because there’s no oxygen in space. It just looks like fire because of how our eyes perceive light through the atmosphere and prism.
As I stared at the real-time image of the sun on the observatory wall, I nearly wept. The sun actually looks like a giant, boiling, grey brain. And then it hit me: I have so many assumptions to set aside and so much left to learn.
So pay attention. Don’t worship the “question everything” mantra, but instead spend your life seeking truth, and wisdom, and understanding.
You know what you need to do to get where you want to be.

Welcome to Lost in the Sauce, keeping you caught up on political and legal news that often gets buried in distractions and theater… or a global health crisis.
Housekeeping:

• HOW TO SUPPORT: I know we are all facing unprecedented financial hardships right now. If you are in the position to support my work, I have a patreon, venmo, and a paypal set up. No pressure though, I will keep posting these pieces publicly no matter what - paywalls suck.
  
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Russia

Russian government hackers breached numerous U.S. agencies, including the Treasury, Commerce, and Homeland Security Departments, in a campaign that began as early as Spring 2020. CISA and the FBI are investigating, but officials say it is “too soon to tell how damaging the attacks were and how much material was lost.”

The global campaign, investigators now believe, involved the hackers inserting their code into periodic updates of software used to manage networks by a company called SolarWinds. Its products are widely used in corporate and federal networks, and the malware was carefully minimized to avoid detection.

Though the initial intrusion occurred earlier this year, Trump has decimated the cybersecurity arm of the federal government and failed to nominate confirmable leaders of Homeland Security. Last month, Trump fired the Director of the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency, Christopher Krebs, for refusing to undermine the election. Around the same time, Assistant Director for Cybersecurity at DHS Bryan Ware and Deputy Director of CISA Matt Travis were also forced out.

• DHS does not have a Senate-confirmed Secretary, Deputy Secretary, General Counsel, or Undersecretary for Management.
  
• Additionally, there is no White House cybersecurity coordinator, no State Dept. cybersecurity coordinator, the National Security Agency Director is leaving on a romantic vacation in Europe, and the NSA general counsel is former Devin Nunes staffer Michael Ellis.
  

Finally, note that Russia has been behind hacks that knocked major U.S. hospitals offline during the pandemic and targeted vaccine makers across the world. In the lead up to the election last month, Russian hackers focused their attacks on American hospitals, often demanding a ransom to restore their systems. According to Microsoft, Russia and North Korea targeted "seven prominent companies directly involved in researching vaccines and treatments for COVID-19" around the world.
Russia’s FSB toxins team poisoned the opposition activist Alexei Navalny in August, after secretly following him on multiple previous trips. The squad shadowed him to more than 30 destinations on overlapping flights in an operation that began in 2017.

items recovered from Room 239 at the Xander Hotel were taken to Germany on the same medevac plane as Navalny. At least two subsequently tested positive for traces of Novichok, including a water bottle from the hotel room.

Appointees and nominees

The Senate voted on Wednesday to confirm three members to the Federal Election Commission, fully staffing the agency for the first time in nearly four years. It is also the first time the commission has had a voting quorum - enough to conduct business - since July, when it had four members for just 29 days.
The new commissioners are Shana Broussard (D), current FEC attorney and the first Black commissioner; Sean Cooksey (R), general counsel for GOP Sen. Josh Hawley of Missouri; and Allen Dickerson (R), legal director of the Institute for Free Speech, which opposes campaign finance restrictions.

• They join Ellen Weintraub (D) and Steven Walther (I), both appointed by George W. Bush, and James Trainor III (R), appointed by Trump. The FEC is designed to contain three Democrats and three Republicans. No party is permitted to have more than three members.

Carl Tobias, a professor at the University of Richmond School of Law: "These are last-minute kind of pushes by the outgoing administration and the Republican Senate majority," he said, meant to ensure that "the commission [will] not be very effective heading into Biden's presidency… It does seem like there is likely to be gridlock and the commission is not likely to do very much that's substantive."

Michael Pack removed the acting director of Voice of America on Tuesday, installing a controversial ally in his place. Pack, CEO of parent organization U.S. Agency for Global Media, replaced VOA director Elez Biberaj with George W. Bush-era director Robert Reilly. The move immediately garnered criticism as Reilly has an extensive history of homophobic and anti-Islamic writing.

NPR: Reilly's 2014 book, "Making Gay Okay: How Rationalizing Homosexual Behavior Is Changing Everything," argues strongly against gay marriage. In public remarks, he said at least a murderer or a consumer of pornography ultimately regrets what he or she does, but asked, "What if you organize your life around something that is wrong?"
NYT: President-elect Joseph R. Biden Jr. is likely to replace Mr. Pack once he assumes office, agency officials said. But Mr. Reilly may be harder to remove if language in the National Defense Authorization Act, a defense spending bill passed by the House, is signed into law that requires the U.S. Agency for Global Media’s chief executive to gain approval from an advisory board before replacing the head of a media network under their purview.

An investigation by the Veterans Affairs inspector general found that Secretary Robert Wilkie worked to discredit a congressional aide who said she was sexually assaulted in a VA hospital. According to the IG, Wilkie “obtained potentially damaging information about the veteran’s past,” leading his staff to pressure VA police to scrutinize her and try to discredit her in the media. The report (PDF) states Wilkie received this information from Rep. Dan Crenshaw (R-TX), a former Navy SEAL, who served in the same unit as the female veteran, Andrea Goldstein. Crenshaw refused to cooperate with the investigation.
Further reading on appointees:

• State Department acting Inspector General Matthew Klimow found that the majority of trips by Susan Pompeo over a two-year period had taken place without written approval from the State Department, despite the fact that her trips were considered official travel and paid for by US taxpayers.
  
• Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has spent at least $43,000 in taxpayer funds to host a series of intimate dinners called the “Madison Dinners.” The guest lists for about two dozen of the dinners, held between 2018 and 2020, included American business leaders and conservative political officials.
  
• On his way out of office, Trump rewards some supporters and like-minded allies with the perks and prestige that come with serving on federal advisory boards and commissions. He has appointed Kellyanne Conway to the board of visitors of the U.S. Air Force Academy; Elaine Chao, Lynn Friess (the wife of Republican megadonor Foster Friess, and Pamella DeVos (Education Secretary Betsy DeVos’ sister-in-law) as members of the board of trustees of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts; Matt Schlapp, chairman of the American Conservative Union and husband of former White House Communications Director Mercedes Schlapp, to the Library of Congress Trust Fund Board.
  
• Retired Army Col. Douglas Macgregor - a senior adviser at the Pentagon with a history of disparaging refugees and immigrants, spreading conspiracies, and other controversial rhetoric - was nominated by Trump for a spot on West Point's advisory board.
  
• The Pentagon appointed China-hawk Michael Pillsbury to serve as the Chair of the Defense Policy Board, after purging members. In October, the Financial Times revealed that Pillsbury helped funnel dirt on Hunter Biden from China to the Trump administration.
  
• The Office of Special Counsel issued a report finding that White House trade adviser Peter Navarro repeatedly violated the Hatch Act by using his official authority for campaign purposes.
  

Congress

The Senate approved the $740 billion bill National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) with a veto-proof majority, sending it to the president’s desk on Friday. Trump has threatened to veto the bill because it doesn't include a repeal of Section 230, but there are other rebukes of Trump’s policies including provisions to limit how much money Trump can move around for his border wall and another that would require the military to rename bases that were named after figures from the Confederacy.
Crucially, the NDAA also contains provisions that require anonymous shell companies to disclose their true owners, an aspect that may make it harder for Trump and his associates to move or hide money without scrutiny. The law requires anyone registering a new company to disclose the name, address, and date of birth of the real owners, and an identification number for each owner, such as a driver’s license or passport number. The law also applies to corporations and LLCs that already exist.
Sen. Ron Johnson, Chairman of the Senate Homeland Security Committee, has scheduled a hearing on Wednesday to examine alleged election “irregularities.” The meeting, two days after electors cast their votes, will feature former independent counsel Ken Starr and attorneys in key battleground states. Johnson says the hearings will help him decide whether to join House Republicans to challenge the electoral results on the floor in January.

"The election's not over," Johnson said when asked if he would run again, referring to the November election that Biden won. Asked when he would make a decision, Johnson said: "Once the election is over."

At a hearing on the pandemic last week, Sen. Ron Johnson invited a vaccine skeptic, a critic of masks, and two doctors who have promoted hydroxychloroquine to treat the coronavirus. Democrats boycotted the hearing and numerous Republicans opted not to ask questions; only Sens. Johnson, Rand Paul, and Josh Hawley took part.

“The panelists have been selected for their political, not their medical views. And for that reason the composition of the panel creates a false and terribly harmful impression of the scientific and medical consensus,” said ranking Democratic Sen. Gary Peters, in his opening statement before leaving the hearing.

As an example of the unfounded claims presented at the hearing, Dr. Jane Orient said “Maybe instead of putting masks on everybody, we should be putting lids on the toilet or pouring Clorox into it before you flush it.” Dr. Ramin Oskoui told the committee that wearing masks, social distancing, and quarantining do not work.
Further reading on Congress:

• Sens. Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) and Mark Kelly (D-AZ) voted with Republicans against two resolutions aiming to block the Trump White House's sale of $23 billion worth of F-35s, Reaper drones, and missiles to the United Arab Emirates.
  
• On her way out of Congress, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) joined Rep. Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) to introduce an anti-transgender bill. According to the two representatives, the bill - called the “Protect Women’s Sports Act” - seeks to clarify that Title IX protections for female athletes are based on “biological sex as determined at birth by a physician.”
  
• Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) blocked legislation to establish a National Museum of the American Latino and American Women's History Museum as part of the Smithsonian Institution. Lee asserted the bill, which had bipartisan support, would “further divide an already divided nation with an array of segregated, separate-but-equal museums for hyphenated identity groups” (clip).
  
• Self-dealing and stock trades: “While Kelly Loeffler Opposed New COVID Aid, Her Husband’s Firm Sought to Profit Off the Pandemic,” “How Kelly Loeffler’s Firm Facilitated an Enron-Like Scandal,” “Sen. David Perdue Sold His Home to a Finance Industry Official Whose Organization Was Lobbying the Senate,” “Perdue diverted military money to Trump's wall — while profiting from his own Pentagon bill.”
  

Miscellaneous

The FBI has subpoenaed Republican Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton after his senior staff reported him for alleged corruption, bribery, and abuse of office. All seven whistleblowers have since been fired by Paxton. Four sued Paxton last month in Travis County District Court, claiming they were fired in retaliation, threatened, intimidated and falsely smeared by Paxton.

• Some believe that Paxton filed his failed election lawsuit as a way to gain Trump’s favor and obtain a pardon before he leaves office. Remember, Paxton was already under indictment on felony securities fraud charges before the most recent subpoena.

Former CISA Director Christopher Krebs sued the Trump campaign and one of its lawyers, Joseph diGenova, for defamation. “He should be drawn and quartered, taken out at dawn and shot,” diGenova said of Krebs.
A three-judge panel of the 11th Circuit (two Trump appointees and an Obama appointee) denied the appeal of whistleblower Reality Winner, ruling she will remain in federal prison despite having pre-existing medical conditions and contracting Covid-19.
Other court cases: “Supreme Court Says Muslim Men Can Sue FBI Agents In No-Fly List Case,” NPR. “A Michigan judge rules companies don't have to serve gay customers. The attorney general says she'll appeal,” CNN. “Abortion medication restrictions remain blocked during pandemic, judge rules,” WaPo.
Two whistle-blowers have accused contractors building Trump’s border wall of smuggling armed Mexican security teams into the United States to guard construction sites. The complaint also states that the company submitted fraudulent invoices to the federal government, including for diesel fuel and overstating their costs.
U.S. border officials have expelled at least 66 unaccompanied migrant children without a court hearing or asylum interview since a federal judge ordered them to stop the practice.
Federal regulators and West Virginia agencies are rewriting environmental rules again to pave the way for construction of a major natural gas pipeline across Appalachia, even after an appeals court blocked the pipeline for the second time.
The Trump administration finalized a rule that could make it more difficult to enact public health protections, by changing the way the Environmental Protection Agency calculates the costs and benefits of new limits on air pollution.
World: “Trump administration helped GOP donors get Syria oil deal” and “The Israel-Morocco peace deal Donald Trump has brokered is risky: His recognition of Morocco’s sovereignty over Western Sahara could lead to war.”

So I'm a Korean American male (19 years old) looking to enlist. The only thing I'm worried about is if a stupid law might affect my ability to pass a security clearance or even enlist. I'm sure there are others out there with a similar situation and I just wanted to get some thoughts.
As some of you may know, because of ongoing tensions with North Korea all South Korean male citizens must serve two years in the military. Now, I'm an American citizen by birth (born in the USA=citizenship). However, at the time of my birth, my parents were not yet American citizens. Under South Korean law, anyone born to South Korean nationals outside of South Korean territory is automatically "granted" South Korean citizenship (me). I put granted in quotations only because in the case of many Korean American dudes like me, South Korea does not know that I exist, i.e. my parents did not register my birth to the South Korean govt. So in this case I "technically" have SK citizenship, but it's not official.
Why is this a problem? Well, since I "technically" have SK citizenship, I "technically" have to serve my two years in the ROK (Republic of Korea) Armed Forces.
But there's a catch.
The South Korean govt knew that a lot of Korean Americans would not want to have to serve in the armed forces of a country that they didn't grow up in. In fact, a lot of people in general don't want to serve. So what do they do: the SK govt created a rule that any SK male born outside of South Korea to Korean nationals who do not want to serve in the SK military (me), must register their citizenship and then renounce it before their 18th birthday. Simply speaking, they want guys like me to make my citizenship official, and then renounce it, therefore getting rid of the lingering question as to whether or not I have to serve.
Unfortunately, as you probably read in the beginning, I'm 19 and it's too late to do so. I know many others who are in the same position as me and fortunately, the SK govt came up with somewhat of a solution to this.
Since we are "technically" draft dodging, the SK govt says that we cannot stay in South Korea for more than 6 months, which is the grace period for staying without being subject to serving in the ROK. As long as we follow this rule, we do not have to complete our 2 years.
So here are my questions:
Could this complicate my hopes of enlisting? I mean potentially being deployed to South Korea leaves open the possibility of my overstaying my grace period? Is there some sort of waiver I can fill out for this situation?
If it doesn't affect my ability to enlist, will I even be able to pass a security clearance, let alone a top secret one?

Yes, it is that time again. Not much is news worthy, except that I have finished the planning on this series. Currently its looking to come in at 23 parts total (including the finale), although that may grow depending on if I get any new ideas in between now and then, but for certain I do not expect that number to shrink.
This installment has both characters engaged in battle, although the Tergelyx battle segment is a lot more in depth. Not much more, from now on is when the story really kicks into high gear IMO, bcos from now on its got plenty of action. Up until now I've kinda short changed you, so hopefully this will make up for it, especially since it's the longest so far, at 5.4k words.
Leave your questions/comments/complaints below if you have them, I do read them all and do indeed appreciate them. If you want to support me, you can use my ko-fi link, although, as I've said before, don't do that unless you absolutely can, and you absolutely want to.
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Conowingo, Maryland
“Kill him.” The Lt said, exasperation in his voice.
“No! He surrendered!” Tergelyx replied, outraged.
“And? He won’t tell us where their base is. So he’s useless to us.”
“It’s not right! They surrender under the idea that we respect their own rules of war, which means we have to treat them well. If we don’t, they’ll all fight to the death!”
“Tergelyx, as a soldier of the Imperium, you have been given an order. So follow through with it.”
“No.”
“Fine.” Lt Altuv withdrew his plasma pistol from his pocket, pointing it at the prisoner. The man grimaced, making an obscene gesture with his fingers.
“Up yours, arseho-“ Altuv shot the man in the head, a high power plasma lance killing him instantly.
“You’re out of line, Tergelyx. You’re going to frontline duty, no more playing nice with the Humans. They’re our enemy, no time to be friendly.” Tergelyx pulled a disgusted gesture on his face, his visor keeping it from being seen by the Lieutenant. He walked out of the door, as two soldiers walked in to drag the body out.
Except the door didn’t lead to the rest of the prison. Instead, it opened over an empty sky, and Tergelyx fell right through into it. He kept falling, the ground below never getting any closer, but the pit in his stomach growing and growing, until-
Wait.
Why is this bed so hard?
“Tergelyx, get up. We need to move.”
Oh. Yeah. That's why.
Tergelyx opened his eyes, finding Corporal Heppell standing over him. Glancing past Heppell, Tergelyx could already see Curtis pulling his uniform on, and Forrester running into the shower. Haven’t had that dream in months. Thought I was past it.
The platoon had billeted itself inside a swimming centre, which meant either sleeping on the cold hard floor, or the hard, room temperature, bench. Still, it was better than being outside. According to Lcpl Bainbridge, they were allegedly breaking some sort of very important American law, some Third Amendment or something, by billeting themselves in an American town, although, as Cooper had pointed out in response, there wasn’t exactly anyone around to enforce it, since the residents had cleared out upon seeing a load of soldiers rolling through.
“What? Wh-why?” Tergelyx turned his attention back to the Corporal, who was still watching Tergelyx writhe around in his sleeping bag.
“Hekatian advance elements are just over 2 hours away. Someone has to stop them crossing the dam.”
“Are we holding this side?”
“If possible, but grab all your gear and find a truck that's going across, in case we have to retreat.”
Tergelyx pulled himself up, off of the bench, and began rummaging around for his equipment. He pulled a tight black jumpsuit out of a nearby locker, putting it on quickly and fastening it. Then, he laid his armour out on the floor. Putting on battle armour was a relatively simple process, and could be done on any flat surface, although special wall mountings, found on proper warships and in military bases were preferable.
Tergelyx simply laid back on the floor, cold as it was, shuffling to get himself aligned properly. He stuck his arms inside each gauntlet. Then, by tapping his foot against the suit’s boots, it curled up around him, fitting as perfectly as if it were still new. The armour was completely sealed, albeit the air supply was not, requiring Hekatian soldiers to procure a gas mask should they need it. However, the Humans had thoughtfully added one to his helmet, enabling Tergelyx to switch back and forth between unfiltered air, filtered, and a brief internal air supply.
Heading out of the door, with his rifle and helmet in one hand, and rucksack in the other, Tergelyx found the car park abuzz with activity. Vehicles were passing along the road in front, both lanes packed with cars heading north. Army personnel ran left and right, preparing positions or attempting to work out the traffic jam up ahead. Closer to him, Cooper and Lcpl Bainbridge were sat on a bench, applying camouflage paint to their faces.
“Morning Tergelyx, didn’t expect you to be second out, after Cooper.” Bainbridge said, smiling as he applied some more green onto his nose, using a mirror to double check. The pattern was already pretty complex, a completely random mix of browns and greens, yet it seemed Bainbridge thought there was more he could do. No wonder they ran rings around us, if this is the amount of work they put in to something as minor as face paint.
“Well, I don’t have to spend as much time putting my gear on as you all do.”
“Fair point. Here, good chance to get something quick down you now. We’ll do breakfast once everything is on the way over.”
“Got it.” Tergelyx set his rifle and helmet down on the concrete, opening the rucksack up and pulling out some rations. He grabbed a snack bar, and some cookable things too, putting the rest back inside. As he went through the snack bar, the other Hekatians of the platoon trickled out, followed by a few soldiers from 2 section.
“Hi, you’re Tergelyx right? I’m Jasaly, I work with 2 section, and over here is Nadishanpurm.” Jasaly extended his hands, grasping at Tergelyx’s forearms, in the traditional greeting back home.
“Hello.” Nadishanpurm waved slightly.
“He doesn’t talk much, as you can see.” Tergelyx noticed several American military vehicles enter the car park. A Bradley with plasma scorch marks on it’s sides, and several of the big Oshkosh lorries. An American officer jumped out, jogging in to go talk to Captain Lloyd. “Good to have you around. Obviously it would have been better if we still had Kuytnu, but I’m sure you’ll do well with us.”
“Was Kuytnu my-”
“Yes. Got in an accident back in London the day before this all happened, awful timing. Lucky you were around, or we’d still be waiting for a reassignment.”
“Hazing the new guy, are we, Jasaly?” Someone new came over towards Tergelyx, and judging by their rank slide, it was Lt Bower. They were kitted out like most of their soldiers, with one notable exception: a small wrist mounted device, which looked almost like a phone screen.
“No Lt, don’t worry. We were being polite.”
“I’d hope. Morning Tergelyx, nice to finally meet you. You ready to kick some arse?”
“Yes Lt.”
“Good, good. Anything important before we head off?”
“Well, I don’t know about important, but… what’s that, and why does no one else have it?” Tergelyx pointed to the device.
“This? Oh, not much. Just a little map thingy, helps me manage stuff better. Here, take a look.”
Tergelyx got a little closer, peering over Bower’s shoulder. The device was kept on by a thick strap, tightly bound around their arm. Various ports for flash drives, and a few buttons, surrounded the edges. On the actual face of the device, was a series of 5 little lights, some coloured green, some off. The screen itself displayed a map of Foster's current location, and then several symbols of varying colours clustered relatively close.
“You see that little green dot there, that’s me. That little diamond over there, that’s Captain Lloyd, and so on. From this, I can tell where each section is, where the other platoons are, and so on. They can mark points on for Hekatian positions, which then get passed on to everyone else on the network. If they want to call artillery, they just put a special marker down and then the artillery people can use it, same for air support.”
“Who gets them?” The rest of 1 section flooded out of the billet, followed by the American. He ran over to the cabs of the trucks, conversing with their drivers.
“Corporals and above, which is why mine has 5 lights. Tells me the status of each corporal, Sgt Fletcher, and Captain Lloyd. We don’t give out any more because they’re expensive, and it’s too much of a risk. Standing orders are that, if a user is killed and retreat is impossible, we’re to thoroughly smash this gear, otherwise Hekatians might get a hold of it. You can imagine the nightmare that would cause.”
One of the drivers of the American supply trucks came over towards Lt Bower, something clearly on his mind.
“Are you all preparing to fight them?”
“Yeah, soon as the rest of our platoon is out.”
“Ok, that's good. Look, I’ve got a load of gear in the back of here that’d be useful. Some new 5.56 ammo, special design, they call it High Velocity Armour Piercing. Goes faster, made of stronger stuff that pens their armour better. We used a lot to cover our retreat, but our Captain has ordered us to offload the rest to you, then we’ll take your gear over for you.”
“You heard him, folks. Get up there and start grabbing rounds, offload your bags.” Lt Bower pointed the platoon over, and they sprung into action, climbing up and getting everything they could. “You have anything else useful in there?”
“Nothing more I’m allowed to give you. But if a private were to sneak away an AT-4 without me noticing…”
“Gotcha, thanks for everything. It’s really appreciated.” It seemed as if the soldiers hadn’t really needed to be told that, given that a pile of launchers had already started to develop on the concrete.
“I’ll say. We did what we could, and did it better than we expected, given the confusion. We held their attention off the proving ground, long enough for them to evac everything that wasn’t nailed down, and blow up everything that was, but… you’ve got guts, to be heading towards it all."
Koksan, North Korea
Staff Sergeant Foster lowered himself into his tank turret carefully, the words from his previous briefing rattling around his head. Support North Korean infantry, as they liberate one of their cities from Hekatian control. That was a sentence he’d never expected to hear out of a US Army Captain’s mouth.
“Translator is plugged in now. Say something in a different language.” Nicholson’s voice came over the headset.
“Veni, vedi, vici.” Foster spoke into his microphone, saying just the first thing that came to mind.
“I came, I saw, I conquered.” A monotonous, machine translated voice came back an instant later. Due to the problem of the language barrier, tank crews had been issued with a portable version of the same translator Hekatians used to understand Human languages. Therefore, the crew of Better Not Run had rigged it up to their tank’s intercom system, enabling them to communicate with their allies easily.
“Yep, it worked. Might get a little annoying with overlap if they speak for longer, but I can tweak the volumes a little to get it to work.”
“Excellent. Let's get this on the road then.” Mullins complied, driving the tank away from it’s position. Lt Stephens had already set off, with SFC Johnson following behind. Due to the current circumstances, they were unable to find a replacement for Staff Torres, leaving them just a 3 tank platoon. Foster had rather liked Torres, he’d not necessarily been a friend but certainly someone he could talk with and not hate the experience. And now he was gone, his tank obliterated in a moment by a lucky blast from a Hekatian tank.
Behind them, several VTT-323’s followed, carrying the infantry force in this rather odd operation. The Hekatians here had simply gotten lucky, landing two pods close together and deploying fast enough to establish their position before the KPA could crush them. They’d pounded the landing sites with artillery ever since, and stopped it’s expansion, but now it was time to destroy it. A few Shilka self-propelled guns joined the procession, then some extra BMPs, just for good measure.
The convoy rumbled past several trench lines, where Foster could see Korean soldiers watching him pass by. Several of them waved, and he waved back, before looking back towards their destination. The town loomed up ahead, surprisingly intact all things considered. Then again, they had been told to expect the residents to do their own part when the infantry went in, so maybe that’s why they’d held off on firing artillery at them.
“I can see a target already, staff. Looks like a dug in infantry position. Possible anti-tank team.” Weber commented, bringing the gun to bear upon it. Foster checked the same direction, finding exactly what he was talking about. It was a small pit with a building just a little bit behind it.
“I see it too. Load HEAT and don’t you dare miss.”
“Up.” The 120mm thumped almost immediately after, the shell speeding off towards it’s target. It was a perfect hit, vapourising the Hekatians before they even knew what was going on.
“Well done, glad the first shot we fired up here didn’t immediately cause a diplomatic crisis.” Lt Stephens’ tank fired just a moment later, clearly having spotted something Foster couldn’t at this angle. Foster looked around, to see if there was anything else he’d missed, spotting 4 distinctive shapes unfolding themselves and raising upwards. “Oh shit, Termite platoon, just off to our left! Load HEAT and kill them.”
Weber immediately rotated the turret around, focusing on the lead walker. Termites were awful things, 10 metre tall AI-controlled tripods that could tear Humans apart, and shove tanks out of the way like they were nothing. But on the plus side, they were very flimsy, killable with just small arms fire if you had enough guns.
“Up.” Another thump, and one of them exploded, before 2 of it’s fellows were blown apart by the rest of Foster’s platoon. Then the BMPs, coming to a brief halt for maximum accuracy, destroyed the remaining one, resuming their push shortly after.
“Right, this is our assigned position, stop us.” Mullins followed Foster’s order immediately, bringing the tank to a stop where it had a line of sight over the town approach, and was within machine gun range of the buildings. The other two Abrams carried on, positioning themselves for maximum coverage of the town. A Shilka rolled up next to Better Not Run, as well as a single VTT, whose troops disembarked and set themselves up around it.
The rest of the infantry transports carried on, dropping their infantry around midway between Foster and the town. Together they pushed forwards, beginning to come under plasma fire a few moments later, from multiple angles. The infantry dropped to the ground, and began crawling forwards, while their transports set to work. Glancing around, Foster saw one of the Korean soldiers, from the vehicle next to him, approach the tank telephone and open it up.
“They need a shot on one of those Hekatian positions, the one in the centre. Can you do it?” The machine voice came through nice and clear on the intercom. Foster had no way of communicating back with the soldier, something he realised was a critical flaw in the way they’d set up the translator. So he just stuck one of his thumbs up from his position sat in the turret, then gestured as if he was covering his ears. The soldier nodded back, and put their fingers in their ears.
Weber fired the gun, and the Hekatian fire ceased abruptly, as they realised that their friends were gone. The Koreans used this to push on, charging forwards under the covering fire of their transports. Within a few seconds, they were busting through doors, and working their way up to the surviving positions.
The soldiers around Foster began shouting and pointing, and for a moment he thought they were celebrating the destruction of the Hekatian position. Then the Shilka opened up, a rapid fire burst aimed at something in the sky. Several others joined in with bursts of their own, all converging on a single target, a Hekatian fighter speeding towards Foster, which they tracked excellently. Mullins started reversing out of position as fast as possible, which was fortunate timing, as Hekatian micro-missiles impacted the ground around it’s former position. Then the Shilka fired again, and the Hekatian fighter exploded, crashing to the ground a few hundred metres behind Foster in a spectacular display. Foster watched it’s wreckage burn, and a few soldiers cautiously approach it, before they relaxed and cheered. The Shilka crew cheered too, happy with their success.
Yeah, I can get used to working with these guys.
Conowingo Dam, Maryland
“Recon have picked up the first of them on approach. Everyone get ready. Remember, we kicked their arses back home, so we can do it here too.” Lt Bower spoke over the radio, giving the platoon their final heads up.
Currently, Tergelyx was lying in wait, next to Corporal Heppell, both overlooking the road that led up to the dam. The rest of his company were similarly laid out, ready to try and keep back the advance, even just for a minute or two.
Tergelyx watched as Heppell looked over his gun. At first glance, his weapon looked like a regular old L85 rifle. But then when you looked again, there was something… unique under the barrel: a plasma rifle. You see, since Britain had been the battlefield for the Contact War, they had a large wealth of technology to exploit, which they used to upgrade rather than replace their own weapons, making the combination unmatched by any regular Human weapon.
First, they’d built a new handguard around the main barrel, which kept the plasma-producing elements of the weapon tucked away, safe from dirt and damage, and left only the actual barrel and trigger attached below, reducing the bulk. The barrel itself was cut in length to keep the bullpup as short as ever. Power cells had been moved inside the pistol grip for space-saving and ease of access. It was fired the same way you’d fire a grenade launcher, and could be fired simultaneously with the main rifle.
Sure, the design had plenty of problems. It was more weight, more stuff to maintain, less comfortable to hold than a regular foregrip, and so on. But, as far as it’s users were concerned, those tradeoffs were fine for something that could reliably cut through body armour. If they had the resources, they’d happily roll them out to every UNCO military, but there were only so many Hekatian rifles to strip for the vital components, that simply couldn’t be built on Earth. Yet.
A tank came speeding along the road, breaking Tergelyx out of his thoughts. He instantly recognised it as an Aghntsir, named for a deity of some pre-Imperium faith. It’s shields were up, but the commander was looking out of the top, in the kind of way you did when you had absolutely no fear of attack. Behind it came a dozen IFVs, then another Aghntsir, then yet more IFVs, in a pattern that kept repeating.
The Humans had anticipated this, and planned for it. They’d acquired as many cars as possible, usually via convincing the fleeing civilians to share transports, and then pushed them together, blocking up much of the road. Then, they’d left a small gap, making it look like the retreating American soldiers had pushed the cars out of the way. They’d even gone through the effort of opening up car doors, and shearing them off, as if something had just rammed straight through without stopping. It was exactly the sort of trap that had been so successful in the Contact War, and it worked again, as the Aghntsir slowed it’s speed and went down that small channel.
The Aghntsir made it about halfway down the channel before hitting a mine, instantly knocking out most of the underside shield emitters, and damaging many of the wheels. The Aghntsir still had plenty of momentum though, and so it carried on, until it drove right over a load of plastic explosive. This detonated on it’s left flank, tipping it up into the air where it landed on it’s side, probably crushing the commander against a nearby car.
The IFVs immediately halted, their back ramps dropping and soldiers pouring out, taking cover amongst the cars. They began scanning the treelines with their rifles, prepared to unleash a barrage of fire from cover. This, of course, the Humans had also accounted for placing claymores in the seats of the cars. Before a single shot had actually been fired by either side, the claymores detonated, wiping out the massed infantry. There was a brief pause, as both sides gazed upon what had just happened: the Hekatians in disbelief, the Humans in surprise it had worked so well. Then they began firing upon each other.
The second load of dismounts were far better positioned than their fellows, this time being able to shelter themselves behind their IFVs. The air rapidly filled up with bullets and plasma lances, the occasional recoilless rifle being fired off to obliterate a particularly hapless IFV. Tergelyx sighted in on a platoon commander, firing a series of lances that punched through his armour in a second. Then he switched, aiming for a soldier who was putting suppressive rounds down against Cooper. Before he could fire, the target exploded, the result of a well-placed 40mm grenade.
The second Aghntsir drove up, its commander safely ensconced inside the turret unlike the previous one. The main gun turned onto a machine gun nest, the laser presumably incinerating the soldiers inside if they hadn’t moved yet. Tergelyx watched an AT-4 rocket impact the shield, yet it persisted. Several 40mm grenades similarly detonated, albeit the last one made the shield shimmer and disappear.
“Fall back, line two! Line two!” Lt Bower ordered, crawling backwards and out of their firing position. Tergelyx copied, pulling a smoke grenade and dropping it behind him as he ran towards the new position. All down the line, this same pattern emerged, a great sheet of smoke suddenly enveloping the treeline. Now, the Hekatians would be assuming the Humans were giving up, and would probably follow along. Right into the next stage of the trap.
Tergelyx ran as fast as he could, heading towards his new position, an abandoned visitor centre. A machine gun began opening up nearby to cover him and the Humans, followed by several more rifles. Tergelyx ducked behind a small brick wall by the front door, as the regular soldiers of his unit ran inside the building for cover. He flipped on his armour’s thermal vision, firing at the Hekatians, who were beginning to come over the hill and through the smoke. Cooper lay down next to him, setting up her machine gun bipod on the ground and beginning to fire in short bursts, mostly randomly aimed though. Another machine gunner, from 2 section, took up a standing position, their bipod resting on a higher section of wall to his left.
“We’re gonna need some action on that tank soon.” Camp fired a grenade, knocking a Hekatian soldier to the ground. Hekatian plasma artillery began impacting along the hill line, clearly having been called in before the Humans had evacuated. Hekatian artillery was notoriously slow to catch up, fire control not being their strongest suit.
Several Hekatians, clearly having figured out that the hill line was a bust, instead took the small road that lead into the car park, using the Aghntsir as mobile cover. Unfortunately for them, that brought the Aghntsir straight into view of a Javelin team. One Javelin burst out of it’s launcher, shooting up into the air, before coming straight down on top of the Aghntsir and annihilating it. The infantry dived for cover, now exposed in the flat empty car park.
“2 down, 2 more to go.” Cooper dryly commented, firing another burst, cutting down a Hekatian who seemed to think getting closer might actually provide some safety. The artillery slackened, and Hekatians began appearing over the hill once more, coincidentally as the smoke began to dissipate. A single IFV traversed up the hill, before immediately being blown apart by a rocket to it’s underside. Several more followed, accelerating up the hill before quickly slowing down to a walking pace, advancing menacingly with infantry upon Tergelyx. Plasma lances spat from it’s main gun, forcing him to duck down behind the wall.
“Inside, now!” Lt Bower shouted down the radio. Tergelyx didn’t need any further encouragement, running in with Cooper following closely behind. Corporal Heppell waved them in, pointing to a small side room with an open door.
“Get over there, hide behind that doorway. Hold fire until they come through.” Tergelyx nodded, running over and resting his plasma rifle against the door frame. Outside he heard the sounds of plasma fire getting closer and closer, as well as the IFV itself. Several more loud booms occurred, suggesting yet another Aghntsir had gotten itself destroyed.
Then an IFV crashed through the building’s wall, and kept going. It’s armoured bulk pushed and pushed, before it withdrew, creating a large gap for the infantry. They poured through, expecting a battered platoon that didn’t know what was coming.
What they got was a hail of fire, from a dozen different angles and with more than enough accuracy to make it count. Tergelyx had no idea how many times he’d fired his rifle in those few seconds, but he could feel the rifle becoming hot to the touch from sheer overuse. He ducked back behind the wall, waiting for the heat to vent away. When he looked back to the gap, a pile of bodies had formed, and the IFV was rapidly reversing away. Then a recoilless rifle hit it in the side, and it exploded dramatically.
Tergelyx felt a brief moment of relaxation, before he heard a familiar sound, drawing closer and closer. Plasma artillery, inbound.
“They’re shelling us!” He yelled over the comms, as a plasma blast hit the front of the building. If anyone had survived that failed charge just now, the plasma artillery would have ended their suffering.
“Everyone out, emergency exits! Go go go!” Bower ordered, and everyone quickly complied, not wanting to spend a minute longer in the building than necessary. 2 more blasts hit, the building shaking under the weight of the blows. Humans poured out, rapidly abandoning the building. Cooper got ahead of Tergelyx easily, running through the nearby fire escape. Before Tergelyx could make it, another blast hit the building, knocking him down to the ground. His rifle fell out of his grip, before he heard a horrific crack above him, and the roof came down on his head.
Tergelyx struggled to move, the roof pinning him in place. He worked one piece off him, freeing his right arm, but his left arm remained stuck under a solid piece of wall, which he simply couldn’t move himself. He noted that the blasts had stopped, which was some mercy but now Hekatian infantry were pouring over the rubble. Tergelyx went limp, trying to feign being dead in order to evade their attention.
“Hostiles, in the rubble!” Corporal Heppell shouted over the radio, quickly followed by several rifles opening up. The Hekatians returned fire, many of them diving onto the rubble pile, or against one of the surviving pieces of wall. One Hekatian threw themselves perilously close to Tergelyx, unclipping a grenade and throwing it outside.
“Calling mortars on them, everyone get the fuck back!” Lt Bower shouted. That’ll come in right on my head. The Hekatian currently lying next to Tergelyx began searching for another grenade to use.
“Lt, I think Tergelyx is trapped in there!” Cooper yelled.Tergelyx desperately wanted to reply, but his helmet wasn’t totally soundproof. If he spoke, that was a more certain death than the mortars.
“Fuck! Is he still alive?”
“I don’t know!”
The Hekatian found another grenade, pulling it and setting a custom timer. They then threw it out of the window, but considering there were no shouts of “grenade” from the Humans, there was a good chance that it had been a miss too. The Hekatian paused, waiting for the blast, before they then began getting up from the floor. Without thinking, they put their hands down to push up… landing on Tergelyx’s own arm. Tergelyx reflexively pulled his hand away, and the Hekatian felt the movement. They looked straight at Tergelyx’s visor, pausing for a moment.
“Found a traitor!” The Hekatian yelled, reaching for their rifle. Tergelyx punched them in the face with his right arm, stunning them and buying himself more time to try and free himself. Unfortunately, this attempt failed, Tergelyx knocking his radio in the process, and the Hekatian quickly regained their composure. Another Hekatian, clearly a commander by their helmet, changed their focus, levelling a rifle straight at Tergelyx.
“Yubnm, get on the doorway, suppress the Humans!” The Hekatian commander barked, and ‘Yubnm’ nodded, getting up and running over to a wall, firing several shots into the treeline. The sounds of yet more plasma blasts raining down came screeching in. The commander came closer towards Tergelyx, pulling out a knife. “I’m not missing a chance to get 1000 credits for a traitor!”
“Not gonna take me prisoner?” Outside, Tergelyx heard the rumbling of motor engines, drawing closer and closer, but the commander didn’t seem bothered by it.
“No need. Should have thought about what we’d do, before you betrayed the oath.” The commander poised the knife above Tergelyx’s throat, their other hand pushing Tergelyx down so he could find the right weak spot in the neck. Yubnm began firing his plasma rifle rapidly, at some target nearby.
Then a Warrior crashed into the ruined wall behind Tergelyx. The commander looked up, only to be hit by a hail of 7.62 from it’s coaxial. Yubnm attemped to make a break for it, only for Sergeant Yates to appear out of the turret and open fire with his personal rifle, cutting him down instantly. It’s 40mm main gun began thumping away, providing covering fire for 1 section to charge in and surround Tergelyx.
“Tergelyx! You need any help mate?” Curtis got down onto a knee, his rifle at the ready. Tergelyx propped himself up slightly, just enough to see a Hekatian run through the shattered front doorway and be blown apart by the 40mm.
“My left arm, it’s stuck. I can’t get free.”
“Camp, Forrester, get that shit off him. Cooper, on that wall, pronto.” Corporal Heppell’s voice became audible, stood beside Tergelyx.
“Ay, Corporal.” Camp grabbed the piece of wall that had caused so much trouble for Tergelyx, Forrester on the other end. Cooper began firing short bursts from her machine gun, gun swinging left and right to keep the Hekatians suppressed. “Tergelyx, on the count of three, I want you to try and push this shit off. Got it? 1, 2, 3!”
Tergelyx strained his arm, levering the debris upwards a tiny bit. Camp and Forrester heaved, dragging it away and off of Tergelyx’s arm. Tergelyx immediately pulled himself out, grasping around for his rifle.
“Here you go.” Bainbridge held it out to him, and Tergelyx immediately took it, feeling relieved to have his weapon back in his arms again. Before he forgot, he quickly fixed his radio, getting back onto the team’s communications.
“Value of slings, folks. Alright, lets get out, come on!” Corporal Heppell patted Tergelyx on the back, and Tergelyx ran through where the emergency exit had been, followed swiftly by the rest of the section. The Warrior’s back door was open, and everyone began to pile through. “We got him back, Lt. And in one piece too.”
“Fantastic work, all of you. Everyone, get the hell across that bridge before I have to drag you myself.” Lt Bower replied near instantly. Tergelyx was last in, hitting the power switch as he sat down. The Warrior reversed, it’s 40mm still pumping shells out.
“You all left that way too late.” Sergeant Yates closed his turret hatch, sitting down in his seat now.
“Couldn’t leave the new guy alone like that, you know us. Not fair to mess up our first field trip in a while.” The turret rotated, pointing backwards as the Warrior cut onto the road. Tergelyx looked out of the back window, seeing plasma lances flashing past the warrior. An IFV attempted to pursue, only to be hit with a hail of 40mm rounds. That seemed to stop the pursuit, as the other Hekatians paused and waited for the Humans to leave weapons range.
“Alright, that’s good work, people.” Lt Bower’s voice came over the radio. “Couldn’t have asked for a better job from all of you, no KIAs or MIAs. If the whole war goes like this, we’ve got this in the bag. So get over there, start digging trenches, and for christ’s sake get a shower, before I start needing a gas mask to enter your billets."
[Buy me a coffee] [Wiki page for more stories]

Authors Note: after my first story had been so grim with its descriptions of mass genocide, I wanted to write something light hearted and fun but which actually asked the question-‘what COULD humans actually do to compete in the universe; what do we do have that IS actually possibly a unique weapon?’ So I wrote this. Still ended up with mass genocide but we can laugh about it...
Transcript of broadcast; SNN News Hour; Special report; Broadcast Live 8:03pm EST June 19th 2089; SNN Host Meredith Walker presenting Transcript begins 6 seconds in:
Meredith Walker: ...thank you for joining us here as we continue our coverage of the first annual Victory Day celebrations with SNN’s exclusive interview with all three ‘Heroes of the Liberation’. They have not been seen in public since Victory Day itself and we are very honoured to have them all here.
SNN News Hour Ident; return to studio
Meredith Walker: So on my right is Dr Li Huning, Head of Xenobiology at the University of Beijing, former member of the U.N.A.L.C. and recently appointed member of the Standing Committee of the Politburo of the People’s Republic of China...
Dr Li Huning: Hello Ms. Walker
Meredith Walker: Of course we have Admiral Sir William Patterson, of the British Royal Navy, named by Time Magazine ‘the greatest military genius in human history’ and newly appointed Commander in Chief of the Allied Earth Interstellar Fleet...
Sir William Patterson: Thank You Meredith. Good evening everyone.
Meredith Walker: And finally we have Yolanda Yaltzer, writer, director, producer, fashion designer, social media influencer and author of the best selling book ‘Don’t you screw with me alien boi’
Yolanda Yaltzer: I am like stoked to be here right now. Like we are actually talking to like the ENTIRE world? That’s wild!
Meredith Walker: Thank you Miss Yaltzer
Yolanda Yaltzer: Call me Yo-Yo as in the Haus of Yo-Yo. That’s my new fashion range name by the way.
Meredith Walker: Indeed. Thank you. Now before we start a brief reminder of the achievements of the Three Heroes and our glorious victory...
(Video segment; 6 minutes long; video ends; commercial; end of commercial Meredith Walker reintroduced the three)
Meredith Walker: So, I have to ask- 26 years ago- 2063; where were you when the invasion took place?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Like OhMYGawd, I was in bed. So, I was at High School but was at home that day cos I had mono. My family lived in San Fernando and I remember seeing those spaceships on TV and was all ‘Am I tripping balls?’ cos I was like worried the mono was making me all freaky...
Sir William Patterson: I was at also at my parents home when they arrived. We lived in Wiltshire. I’d just graduated from Queens Cambridge.
Meredith Walker: So you were not a member of the military back then Sir William?
Sir William Patterson: Far from it. I was a newly minted holder of a masters in 18th Century European Literature. I joined the Royal Navy a week after our surrender. Many people joined their militaries after that back then.
Yolanda Yaltzer: You know what’s weird? I’ve liked watched EVERY single Hollywood movie ever made about aliens invading Earth and like they ALWAYS show space ships over America and shiz. But when it happened? They all freaking appeared over China! Like China! No offence Doc. But I think we were not prepared for the reality of an alien invasion.
Sir William Patterson: Well, they targeted the top 24 largest cities on Earth as you know and only New York made that list; China ended up with six ships hovering above them and India had five, with Lahore being close but...
Dr Li Huning: I was in Shanghai when they arrived
Yolanda Yaltzer: No! Freaking! Way! You never told me that Doc! Gee, you think you know a guy...
Dr Li Huning: I remember the panic. The vast leviathan above us. Its immensity. I knew then, I think we all knew then, that there would be little fighting. Their sheer size. The absolute power of them.
Meredith Walker: Indeed Doctor. And three weeks later Prime Minister Akoshi of Japan surrendered on behalf of the human species. Some feel that he acted hastily, unilaterally, that we should have at least tried...
Sir William Patterson: No, I’m sorry Meredith, but that’s revisionism. We had then, as now, no weapons capable of combatting the Vorton. I’ve seen what their ships can do. We would have been annihilated.
Dr Li Huning: Akoshi was Prime Minister of Japan and Tokyo was the largest city in Earth. The Vorton believed it was the main centre of human life. They insisted upon him representing all humans. My government, all governments, agreed.
Meredith Walker: The North Koreans didn’t.
Sir William Patterson: And that’s why there is no North Korea anymore Meredith.
Dr Li Huning: What happened there convinced us all. All governments. It was pointless fighting them. Akoshi was just unlucky to be the man who had to kowtow.
Meredith Walker: And with that, as we all know, the occupation began...
Dr Li Huning: It was hardly an occupation Miss Walker. Only a handful of Vorton ever came to Earth.
Meredith Walker: You met with the Vorton very early on didn’t you Dr Li?
Dr Li Huning: Yes. My position then was Head of Astrobiology at University of Shanghai. My government felt this would give me some insight into the creatures. So I was asked to join the United Nations Alien Liaison Committee in Geneva. We alone would meet with the Exarch and it’s three advisors.
Yolanda Yaltzer: And Vorton were like SO freaky. First time I actually met one? Half of me wanted to scream and half of me wanted to hurl. Like super-chunks. They were so large and weirdly shaped. Kinda like some kinky dildo.
Meredith Walker: The first nine years then of the occupation...
Dr Li Huning: Again. Not an occupation. We humans had submitted. We were a client planet for the Vorton Ascendency. One of a dozen such planets. They demand we provide whatever they wished for and in return for allowing them take it we would be left alone.
Meredith Walker: But members of the race would travel to earth to destroy large parts of the planet, the operations they carried out...
Dr Li Huning: When they stripped mined Alberta? Only five Vorton operated those machines. They sought the shale gas, informed us of their intention, landed, and took it. Five Vorton, two machines. Not an occupation.
Meredith Walker: But they destroyed over 43 million hectors of virgin wilderness...
Dr Li Huning: I do not justify what they did. Nor try to present it in a way other than what it was. We had encountered an alien species many times more powerful than us. They could have destroyed the human race in a moment. We just complied because we had no choice.
Meredith Walker: And yet critics maintain an active resistance would have dissuaded them from doing such things.
Sir William Patterson: Those critics are idiots.
Meredith Walker: Harsh words Sir William.
Sir William Patterson: Yes they only had a handful of Vorton on Earth but they only NEEDED a handful. They were a hive mind. What one saw they all saw.
Dr Li Huning: Many, even today, say we should have killed isolated Vorton as a sign of resistance. This would have been foolish. If we killed one the whole race would know.
Meredith Walker: But those critics insist that had we acted fast enough...
Dr Li Huning: They do not understand quantum biology Ms Walker. Those critics brandish ideas around like ‘a bomb acts quicker than the speed of thought’. These ideas are foolish. Vorton minds were linked in a much more complex way. Complex Quantum entanglement captured in biological form. If we killed one the entire species would know of its death. Instant communication over a dozen planets.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Like, can you IMAGINE taking a dump and EVERYONE knows your dropping? Like GAWD!
Sir William Patterson: I must echo Dr Li’s words here Meredith. The Vorton species was, until recently, the most formidable race in the galaxy. A collective hive mind, driven by a single purpose. I dedicated my life to fighting them as you know, and have been told I helped defeat them. Well then, with those credentials allow me say- Those critics who wish we had done more those first ten years or so, they do not know what they are talking about.
Dr Li Huning: The Vorton didn’t occupy us. They took what they wanted and left us alone. They desired all subject races be useful for them is all. We were not and until we could be, our planet was judged useful. This was why they took the shale and the copper and the zinc...
Meredith Walker: Useful. Interesting choice of words Dr Li. You refer, of course, to the Paris experiments?
Dr Li Huning: I was not involved in those projects.
Meredith Walker: But you knew off them?
Dr Li Huning: The Liaison Committee approved of the attempt to see if humans could connect to the Vorton hive mind.
Meredith Walker: Even at the cost...
Dr Li Huning: All those who died were volunteers.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Ohhhhhh the brain melting? Oh that was SUPER gnarly. I saw pictures of that stuff after I got security clearance. Like we are talking Mr Bufu! I mean Lord-God-King-Bufu. It was as grim as balls.
Dr Li Huning: Human brains could not merge with Vorton. We had the base structure but in their words their brains were a million times more complex. We were not as useful to them as our planet was. We would not be seen as useful until after the creation of the films.
Meredith Walker: Now that leads us onto a subject many are curious about. The Human-Vorton film industry. Dr Li- how did it all start?
Dr Li Huning: I would ask Miss Yeltzer, she was the most successful exponent of it.
Meredith Walker: Yes but who was it who brought her in- whose idea it in the first place?
Dr Li Huning: You misunderstand. We did not bring Miss Yeltzer into this. She brought us into it.
Meredith Walker: Miss Yeltzer?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Hel-Lo! Yeah. Oh I know this one. So it’s likes SUPER convoluted. But like really if you gotta pick a day when the whole thing started it’s when those cops in India like raided that call centre...
Meredith Walker: India?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Yah. There was this guy, some minor dweeb working there, real sweaty cubical meerkat, and he was making memes about the Vortons in his work time. Like super weird stuff, little animated films of Vortons screwing elephants. Cos like they were SO large.
Dr Li Huning: This part of the story has not been declassified yet Miss Yaltzer.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oops. My bad.
Dr Li Huning: Miss Yeltzer refers to a raid carried out by the Mumbai police force on a warrant issued by the Liaison Committee in Setember 2072. A series of short animations about the Vortons had began appearing on the internet, each growing in extreme content. We worried that if even one of the Vortons saw them they would all know and we would face an overreaction so we ordered the creator arrested.
Meredith Walker: Sir William? You were not involved in this at the time?
Sir William Patterson: No, I was simply a junior officer in Whitehall at the time. It’s all Yolanda.
Yolanda Yaltzer: So like I was there yar? I was freakin Ground Zero. Like not in the raid in India, obviously BUT... well I was working at a SPFX company in LA at the time. I’d graduated from the animation department at UCLA by then and like EVERYONE went there to work for Pixar and I was like ‘no way I’m gonna work for the damned mouse’. So I ended up at this little place that specialised in high end late stage rendering of CGI. And like someone sent us a copy of the Indian meme animations. And immediately I was like ‘WHOAH DUDE!’ Cos I could see there was something special.
Meredith Walker: What drew you to it?
Yolanda Yaltzer: The detail. Like whomever rendered the image- he’d SEEN a Vorton up close. Not on TV but in the flesh. They rendered it really well. Like, maybe cos of the nature of their bodies but it was easier to cross the uncanny valley with Vorton than with humans.
Meredith Walker: Cross the uncanny valley?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh yar. So when we do computer generated people on screen there is always that little thing that makes them look off. It isn’t much but we can usually always tell- that’s not a fricken human yeah? But Vorton have much more simplistic facial features. They like are easier to render on screen and make look real. To then anyway.
Meredith Walker: So what led you to make that first film?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Well, I’d JUST dumped this guy, he was like a yoga instructor from San Diego, and he was super into Tantra, but like, not willing to BE in the moment. And so I was like ‘no way is it worth trying to get him to actualise his feelings’ so I’d dumped his ass and I went on this super big creative trip and so was all up in my desire to make something. So I used those animations and improved on them. Improved on them a LOT.
Meredith Walker: What inspired you to make a film with an all Vorton cast?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Like it was easy. I could use the template from the Mumbai animation and just adjusted it. Did a short film about two Vorton encountering an automated food vendor. You KNOW how fustrating those things are- you have to be SO precise. So I did this short film about two Vorton trying to get it to work.
Meredith Walker: Entirely computer generated?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Obviously. Its not like I could like ASK a Vorton to show up.
Meredith Walker: And the language barrier?
Yolanda Yaltzer: I used a standard translation matrix. Their language was pretty basic.
Meredith Walker: Professor- why was Miss Irwins animation accepted and the previous ones not?
Dr Li Huning: Miss Irwin’s short film was not mocking Vorton. If anything it mocked the weakness of human AI. It was satire on our technology. The Vorton came across as very realistic, disdainfully trying to work out how to fathom something even we humans had issues with.
Meredith Walker: Is this why you decided to show the Vorton delegation the film?
Dr Li Huning: Partly. Also we were desperate. We wanted to distract them. They were talking about a new quota. 186 million tonnes of hardwood. They were after the Indonesian rainforests. All the Indonesian rainforests. Everyone was trying to find a way for us to be ‘useful’ for them. Any idea was being considered. I saw a copy of Miss Yeltzer’s short film and decided to show it to them.
Meredith Walker: And their reaction?
Dr Li Huning: They enjoyed it.
Meredith Walker: The Exarch and his advisors?
Dr Li Huning: No, all of them. The entire species. The Vorton hive mind. Four watched it, 23 billion enjoyed it. They wanted more.
Yolanda Yaltzer: And hey presto- 2074, the Human Vorton Entertainment industry was born. You’re welcome humanity.
Meredith Walker: Which leads us to the question that many have asked over the years- why DO you think they enjoyed our movies so much?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh GAWD so many reasons. Partly it was like you know, we had been making films for SO long. Like Hollywood was SO good at it..
Dr Li Huning: The Vorton had never needed visual portrayals of themselves Ms Walker. They communicated with themselves instantly after all. So seeing themselves on a screen was a novelty for them.
Sir William Patterson: And our film industry was merely a continuation of a long tradition of story telling, humans have been creating stories for centuries, thousands of years, after all.
Yolanda Yaltzer: TOTALLY! I mean like we forget- we watch some Hollywood movie and are all like ‘its derivative and commercial’ blah blah. We forget like movies are just an extension of the human need to create narratives so as to find a sense of the freakin’ numinous. To get a small hit of what the Vorton got on a daily. Since the first ever dramatists, Kālidāsa in India, Aristophanes in Ancient Greece, narrative tales had been man’s attempt to create meaning.
Meredith Walker: Er...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Humans seek desperatly to connect with one another. That dude Huxley said we are all ‘island universes’ you know? Each consciousness profoundly trapped within our own minds, desperately seeking commonality of experience. It’s why we are drawn to fictional tales. We want to find a sense of empathy, of connection with one another. Movies and books and all our stories were like the Vorton hive mind. But basic you know. Like super basic. Yet even the most crude low budget film is an attempt to unite us as a species. Take porn.
Meredith Walker: Porn?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh yar. Perfect example. Everyone who clicks on porn? Bottom line their need is to see something that makes them go ‘I want that to be me’ or ‘I want to make that happen’ yar? So like porn is just like reading something weird like Lord of the Rings but without the need to imagine yourself with pointy ears.
Meredith Walker: I had not...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Ultimately, we had been making films and doing books, hell just telling stories for aeons and it was all a low-key attempt to replicate the advanced central intelligence and experiences of the Vorton. We humans are alone and through stories and narratives seek to create constructs that allow us unite as a species. So given we had been doing that for freakin CENTURIES it meant we had such a head start when it came to translating such ideas into a moving visual medium that we were easily able to adapt to facilitate complex, nuanced and sophistication empathic responses within an alien audience.
Meredith Walker: Well. I don’t think our viewers have ever heard such an explanation... Er...
Sir William Patterson: You know, despite how Yolanda is portrayed in the media, she does have an IQ of 163.
Dr Li Huning: Yes. She would have a doctorate now if she would only maintain her studies.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Please Doc. Academia is like super boring.
Meredith Walker: Moving on, Professor? So Yolanda’s theory that human films replicated Vorton hive thinking was the reason they liked them?
Dr Li Huning: Partly. There was also a fascination with moving images of them. Vorton had a mixed sense of self. They do not exist as individuals. They are Collective. So seeing a Vorton always meant knowing a Vorton. ‘They’ and ‘me’ are one. Until they saw images of Vorton on screen. These high resolution computer images looked like them highly accurately but they could not connect to them telepathically. It intrigued them. They would focus on the images with all their attention.
Sir William Patterson: And this is where language became crucial.
Meredith Walker: How so Sir William?
Sir William Patterson: The Vorton had never developed a native language. They had not needed to. Since the species evolution they had communicated telepathically. This had allowed them evolve into apex predators on their home world. Had facilitated their technological ascendency. They only created the spoken Vorton language to communicate with the dozen client Worlds they conquered. They invented language so as to talk to non telepaths.
Dr Li Huning: Yes and the language was, by their standards, simplistic and crude. After all, all other species were crude by their standards. Yet in this simplicity lay the potential for vast amounts of systemic resonance.
Meredith Walker: Systemic resonance?
Sir William Patterson: Consider it this way Meredith. Suppose I say the word ‘blue’ to you. What comes into your mind?
Meredith Walker: The colour blue.
Sir William Patterson: Right. But someone else may think automatically of the sky. Or the ocean. Or the wallpaper in their nursery.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Totally. It’s dependent upon the individual. Like I hear ‘blue’ and I think of the music of Robert Johnson and BB King and the blues...
Sir William Patterson: Someone may think of the uniforms of Union soldiers in the American civil war. Others will think of cold. Or sadness.
Dr Li Huning: A person from China would hear the word and think of wood or immortality or spring...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Exactly, or be like ‘oh GAWD that blue dress Shawna was wearing last week made her ass look SO fat’...
Sir William Patterson: But each link, each connection we can infer from the word is kept within our minds, these ‘island universes’ as Yolanda said.
Dr Li Huning: But the Vorton shared all these connections with one another in real time. You say blue to a Vorton and they would instantaneously have all these thoughts and connections at once, even divergent ones and be able to reconcile these divergent reactions all within moments.
Sir William Patterson: By using their simplistic language we could communicate vast amounts of meaning.
Yolanda Yaltzer: It made writing scripts SUPER easy you know? Who needs careful dialogue to show a growing attraction between two Vorton? Just have one say ‘Meal. Tomorrow. Together?’ and they would fill in the blanks with like a billion variations and ideas and so forth. Not that they understood romance.
Dr Li Huning: This was why for the next 12 years we humans provided films and entertainments for the Vortons. Which they rewarded with payments. Usually in the form of gold.
Meredith Walker: And the Vorton just accepted these films without reservations?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Have you SEEN the size of my mansion?
Dr Li Huning: There were suspicions at first. But Miss Yolanda and a few others could produce movies showing Vortons doing things and saying things which they would watch with utter fascination. Their collective minds would fill simplistic plot and narrative with vast amounts of context, subtext and culture detail we could never guess at. Our films entertained them. And we would make sure they fit within world views the Vorton approved. We earned trust and became useful.
Meredith Walker: And on that note we need a word from our sponsors. We will be right back...
(Cut to advertisements; upon return video segment of clips of films targeted at Vorton audiences between 2077 and 2087 including ‘Destemper’ (YoYoFilms 2078); ‘Encounter on Farjo’ (UniversalWarner 2080); ‘The Enral Connundrum’ (YoYoFilms 2083; Winner Best Visual Effects; Best Sound Editing Academy Awards) and ‘Isolation’ (YoYoFilms 2086; Winner Best Adapted Screenplay; Best Director; Best Film Academy Awards)
Meredith Walker: Isolation was your biggest hit wasn’t it?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh MY Gawd. They adored it. The story of one of their own cut off from the hive mind by mysterious alien tech and battling his way back to connect to his own people? They fricken LOVED that. So did the Academy Awards! But like I didn’t have to blow anyone to get liked by the Vortons!
Meredith Walker: Sir William when did the military become involved?
Sir William Patterson: We were monitoring the growth of the entertainment industry from the earliest days but we only seriously became involved in 2083.
Meredith Walker: And you led that involvement?
Sir William Patterson: Eventually, yes. I had developed a theory at the time that the film industry would be useful to us. British Intelligence put me in contact with someone in America and this was how I became involved in Yolanda’s productions.
Meredith Walker: And your first joint project?
Sir William Patterson: ‘Twen’.
(Cut to clip of the film ‘Twen’ (YoYoFilms 2087) The fictional account of the famed warleader of the Vorton species who led their first three subjugations; the clip shows the image of Twen stood before his Legions during the Battle of Nebebabn Station; the image of Twen turns to his soldiers and begins speaking- human subtitles reveal the dialogue; ‘Forward again. Forward siblings. Or neglect the dead. Before now, harmonious being was purpose. Now war. Reject briefly harmonious. Be like a feral Braan....’ clip ends)
Meredith Walker: The Vorton enjoyed Twen?
Yolanda Yaltzer: A fricken understatement lady!
Dr Li Huning: It wasn’t that they enjoyed it. It was that we made it knowing they were about to invade the Gasteibians. It was basically a war movie made just before they went to war. And it actually aided them.
Meredith Walker: Aided them?
Dr Li Huning: The Vorton Exarch informed us that the species watched Twen three times before the attack on Gasteibian. It drove them to a heightened almost fanatical sense of combat readiness. Indeed by all accounts they felt Twen helped them ruthlessly destroy all Gasteiban resistance.
Meredith Walker: And Sir William was involved in making Twen?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Are you kidding me? He wrote the damn script.
Meredith Walker: You wrote the script Admiral?
Sir William Patterson: Not really. Its Shakespeare. Henry V. ‘Once More onto the breach dear friends once more...’. Just simplified it to fit the Vorton language and allowed the words and images inspire their collective mind. They did the rest.
Meredith Walker: But Twen was what convinced your superiors about your theory?
Sir William Patterson: Convinced them? No. But my superiors took my idea to NATO high command and they submitted it to the U.N. Liason Committee.
Dr Li Huning: And I saw the merits in his idea. Yes. I approved the plan. Invited William and Miss Yaltzer to join me in Geneva.
Meredith Walker: And that was how you all started working together then?
Dr Li Huning: On the Werther project? Yes.
Meredith Walker: What made this special?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Well like firstly, the basic set up I gave them was TOTALLY killer. So the opening sequence was gonna be a magnatar crashing into a black hole and there is this massive disruption of spacetime but also at a quantum level and BOOM! The Vortons in our story suddenly found themselves unable to talk with their minds.
Dr Li Huning: The basis for the movie wasn’t scientifically accurate...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh PLEASE Doc. It was a disaster movie. No disaster movie is EVER scientifically accurate. It’s all about narrative. Disaster happens. Hero copes. Standard template. Blah blah. And cos we hadn’t like ever made a disaster movie for em before we could use like EVERY trope like cos they hadn’t seen the tropes before. It was ideal.
Meredith Walker: But there was more to the film than that?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh yar! That was where sailor boy came in. He insisted we base what followed on some old book.
Meredith Walker: Sir William?
Sir William Patterson: Yes it was imperative we use a novel called ‘The Sorrows of Young Werther’ by Johann Von Goethe. This is the book that established Von Goethe as one of the greats of German literature when it was published in 1774. I tried to tell Yolanda it was imperative we used this book as the basis of the story we were telling...
Yolanda Yaltzer: And I was like NO way. Like sure, I could see that we needed a narrative structure about individuals ‘Cos like all disaster movies do the big ‘arrrgghhhh im dying I’m dying’ routine but always make the story about basically boy meet girl and they get together while everything is blowing up, like ALL disaster movies you know, but this book? Oh GAWD!
Sir William Patterson: It’s one of the greats of European literature.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Its super boring Sailor Boy! Like the protagonist, Young Werther, he is SUCH a fricken Mary Sue. He is SO what the Goethe guy wanted to be. Super super intelligent and super super sensitive. Oh so goddamn sensitive. Like BARF!
Sir William Patterson: The book was chosen for a reason Yolanda...
Meredith Walker: Rumour has it, it was you who solved the creative arguments Dr Li?
Dr Li Huning: Yes. I saw the dilemma- where had two vehicles designed to tell two very differing stories. On the one hand Miss Yeltzer’s desire to use a disaster movie, which we could see would work at providing an exciting narrative structure. But on the other hand we had Williams need to use the novel by Goethe. Which we needed, to fit within his overall plan. At the same time I also saw a need to include narrative elements showing the Vorton coping with their loss of telepathic abilities and wanted images showing them coming together to overcome this as a way of reinforcing Vorton belief systems.
Meredith Walker: So how did you solve these conflicting ideas Dr Li?
Dr Li Huning: I suggested we scrap making a film and turn it into a mini series.
Yolanda Yaltzer: A freakin MINI SERIES. Screw Hollywood- do Netflix. It was great. We could take our time, work in somehow all we wanted.
Meredith Walker: And the Vorton enjoyed it?
Dr Li Huning: They could not get enough of it. The series introduced concepts they had never encountered before. Ideas they had never conceptualised. They would spend days engaged in complex debates based upon the themes we raised. And for the Vorton? Debates that last that long were unprecedented.
Meredith Walker: And they didn’t suspect any ulterior purpose?
Dr Li Huning: They saw us react truthfully. They would invite myself and Miss Yeltzer to their mothercraft in orbit above Earth to answer questions directly from their exarch after each episode on behalf of their species.
Yolanda Yaltzer: It was like a SUPER intense Q and A. Sailor boy came along with us as our bodyguard each time.
Dr Li Huning: And we appeared as what we were. Humans eager to entertain them and engage them.
Meredith Walker: Did you know the show would have the effect it did?
Dr Li Huning: Of course the possibility had been raised by Sir William.
Sir William Patterson: I didn’t KNOW at all. There was a small chance it could happen. That was all.
Meredith Walker: So what was it about that book that made it so important? Its a classic of literature as you said Sir William...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh please. Its a crap book. Don’t look at me like that sailor boy. It is. The Sorrows of Young Werther. Gimme a break. It’s all boring exposition. And the central story? So you have this guy Werther and he falls for this hottie but he never says anything cos he is as wet as it comes. And the hottie gets together with this older gentlemen- which is creepy but there it is. And Werther is always hanging around the couple in a super cringe way to ‘win her back’ or some crap like that.
Sir William Patterson: There is a little more to it than that Yolander...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Really? Where? Its insipid. He realises that the chicks Sugar Daddy? He’s ok. The girl he loves? She’s happy. So guess what? He decides it’s in everyone’s best interest to...kill himself.
Sir William Patterson: Seriously, there is a lot more to it, it was part of the Strum und Drang poetic movement and...
Yolanda Yaltzer: What a TOTAL incel! I mean Jebus! But guess what? Uber Incel can’t even kill himself right. He puts some old pistol to his head, pulls the trigger but doesn’t die. So lies there, like his brain’s bleeding out and it’s all woe is me and afterwards this girl and her Sugar Daddy are all sad...
Sir William Patterson: Honestly, it...
Dr Li Huning: There is a degree of accuracy here Sir William.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Thank you Doc. Anyway there THEN follows this huge over the top reaction apparently. Young men all over fricken Europe read this book and start dressing as this character. Like a whole new fashion craze all based on this Werther Incel Guy. Let’s face it- Goethe invented fanboys!
Sir William Patterson: Goethe did NOT invent fanboys.
Dr Li Huning: It could be argued that ‘Werther Fever’ was the first manifestation of what is today called ‘fangirl syndrome’ yes.
Yolanda Yaltzer: ANYWAY- that’s what we had to work into our disaster flick. That! How the hell do we work in that?
Meredith Walker: But you all clearly did?
Dr Li Huning: We were able to harmonise the themes in the novel into conventions the Vorton’s could conceptualise. Human romanticism became Vorton desires for unity; connotations of desire were made into a longing to be re-connect as a species; crucially we showed the Vortons they were not weakened by this horrendous situation but retained agency. It was important they became invested in the story.
Meredith Walker: Because of the Werther Fever Effect?
Dr Li Huning: Because of that, yes.
Meredith Walker: Sir William, you insisted upon the story being used because you of this after effect. Did you hope somehow using the book by Goethe that the Vorton’s would change their minds about us. Sway our conquerors with a good story?
Dr Li Huning: The original made Napoleon a huge fan I have noticed.
Sir William Patterson: Well not quite. Werther Fever erupted across Europe as translations of the novel came out, as Yolanda described, but there was an additional side effect to this. Across Europe there began a series of copycat suicides as these impressionable young men would emulate their hero...
Meredith Walker: So the book inspired suicide?
Sir William Patterson: Not quite. The link between the novel and the spate of suicides that erupted across Europe is still hotly debated within academic circles...
Yolanda Yaltzer: There was a fricken wave of 18th century Incel fanboys blowing their brains out after reading this book I swear!
Sir William Patterson: I felt that perhaps this effect could be replicated to a degree; given the complexity of Vorton psychology, I didn’t expect a simple replication of the impact upon 18th century readers but that was the gist of the plan. I simply weaponised our ability to tell stories.
Meredith Walker: And Professor the hope within the liason committee was that this miniseries would cause some suicides amidst the Vorton race?
Dr Li Huning: No. Given they had once said we humans were but a millionth of them, we earnestly hoped for a much stronger reaction. And we all know the results.
Meredith Walker: The entire Vorton species.
Dr Li Huning: Every last one of them. We imagine it was a cascade effect. The climax of the series, the Vorton version of Werther discovering that the race had lost its telepathic abilities forever and that his furious determination to regain this skill was in fact holding back his species from evolving to maintain their position as dominant was crucial. They had to see him rationalise that he was hurting the species by his continued existence
Sir William Patterson: The aim was to introduce the very human idea of noble sacrifice to the Vorton... you know ‘it’s a Far far better thing that I do now...’
Yolanda Yaltzer: BUT punch it home with a 28 hour lead up designed to get the entire race to identify with one fricken over-sensitive milkbaby. The results? Splat!
Meredith Walker: Splat?
Dr Li Huning: Quantum biological effect. Autopsies reveal the Vorton suffered cerebral implosions as we imagine a cascade effect of the desire to self destruct took over.
Meredith Walker: They willed themselves to death?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Hey- you ever stood on the edge of a drop and gazed down and had that brief urge to just like jump!? Imagine that but that urge amplified by 23 billion people, your entire species thinking it at the exact same time and now imagine just how powerful that urge would become. Splat!
Meredith Walker: None of you seem bothered by the fact you annihilated an entire species?
Yolanda Yaltzer: They had wanted to wipe out the Orangutans. I’d take Orangutans over the aliens who screwed Canada any time.
Dr Li Huning: Ultimately it was about survival. Either we destroyed them or we remained slaves. I have no issue with that.
Sir William Patterson: They were the enemy. And this was the only weapon we could use. We won. They lost. Its war.
Meredith Walker: And Admiral you were able to take control of their ship instantly?
Sir William Patterson: We had spent 18 months carefully studying how they piloted their ships and in the weeks during the serialisation of the show I had familerised myself with the controls yes.
Meredith Walker: Now there are some who feel that there was a degree of calculation in what came next...
Sir William Patterson: The entire Vorton Ascendency was gone. The species was no more. But the 13 subservient planets didn’t know we had just wiped them out. What followed was a strategic decision.
Dr Li Huning: Presidents Lu of China, McKindrick of the United States, and Prime Ministers of Israel, Great Britain, Japan and Indonesia all agree upon us travelling to the Vorton homeworld and taking control of its resources.
Yolanda Yaltzer: I am SO gonna turn that trip into a film...
Dr Li Huning: Miss Yaltzer, much of the operation and the aftermath is still classified...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Doc, PLEASE! Like anyone needs accuracy to make a good movie... of course I’d need to make me and sailor boy have a romance to make it work...
Sir William Patterson: A romance Yolanda? Well I hardly think...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Hey sailor boy. Chill. Its a movie not real life. We both agreed on the way back to remain as sex buddies...
Meredith Walker: And coming up- the new Human Space Empire; one year on- are we ready to rule the galaxy? I’d like to thank my guests for their time...
(Transcripts end)
I could tear open my bosom with vexation to think how little we are capable of influencing the feelings of each other
No one can communicate to me those sensations of love, joy, rapture, and delight which I do not naturally possess; and though my heart may glow with the most lively affection, I cannot make the happiness of one in whom the same warmth is not inherent
The Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe